Cleaning....

So....today's cleaning tip & product review....brought to you by Lainey-Paney.

Easy Off oven cleaner... bought a can of this. We have a KitchenAid Self-Cleaning Convection Oven. My husband loves it. I barely know how to use it, and for the life of me have still not figured out the steps to use the digital timer without setting the damn thing to cook for hours & hours.
Anyway....so the self-cleaning feature....yeah, I tried that. I don't know, but it was probaby human error for whatever reason it did not work properly. So, it just seemed to me that it would be easier to get a can of Easy Off & clean the darn thing.
Get my can, get it home, take the lid off....read the directions.
WARNING: NOT FOR USE ON CONVECTION OVENS.
Ugh.

So....here's where a good use for Easy Off comes in...
If you cook in pyrex baking dishes...you know how they can get all caked-on-baked-on gross? Spray it with Easy Off---let it sit in the sink for a little bit---and the cruddy gunk will just wipe right off & you'll have brand new looking sparkly clean Pyrex again.

And now for the big product review...
Disposer Cleaner packets...
Got them at Target. You run the disposal to make sure it's empty. You run hot water in the sink & then turn the flow down to a trickle. You put one of the little yellow "biodegradable" packets in your disposal & turn it on. Blue bubbles filled both sinks (we have a double sink). It smelled all lemony & good....and afterward, my sinks looked all sparkly new. So that was good.
:)
My only questions...which I don't know the answer to---what's in it/how bad are the chemicals for the environment, and is it any more effective than lemon peel & baking soda? I don't know.

But, it was quick & easy, and made me feel like I was doing something around the house, you know???

:)
Look at me! I'm suddenly a domestic diva!

Question of the Day:

Remember those Quizno commercials. What were those little...rat looking things?
They looked like rats to me. Because of that, I have never eaten at a Quiznos.

Hey marketing department: GREAT WORK, you idiots.
sure, you have me talking about Quiznos...but I'm not spending any money in your establishments....

Music...

Today's Musical Selections....



And....



..."I said, 'No. No. No.'"

I'll have mine with SPRINKLES !

So...Gage came to me, new Pull Up in hand.
Gage: "Bobo Change"
Mommy: "Okay....come on."
We go to the changing table.
Mommy: "Is it wet?"
Gage: "No."
Mommy: "Did you poo-poo?"
Gage: "mmmm-hmmmm."
We change the Pull Up.
As I start to refasten the sides of the new Pull Up...
Gage: "NO! SPRINKLES!"
Mommy: "What?"
Gage, pointing to the baby powder: "SPRINKLES!"

So....there you have it. A diaper change...with sprinkles.
Once I powdered him (which we do less & less of since he's in Pull Ups now...), he was fine. He's been missing the "sprinkles."

MOMMY HEARTS BABY GAGE!

Okay....it's Sunday.

It's....almost 9 in the morning. Gage is driving cars on the window sill in the living room....Arthur is playing on TV (a cartoon that I had no idea that my child had ever seen or liked....) Daddy is sleeping in this morning.

So, back to our date night on Friday. We went to the Cheesecake Factory by Northpark. If you've just had a miscarriage, might I point out that it is 2 store-fronts down from the maternity store. Yes, I noticed as we crossed the parking lot to go into the restaurant. No biggie.... So we sit outside on the patio b/c the weather was nice. Well, not thinking---I am facing the bulk of the parking lot, and more specifically, the direct path one would take to enter the maternity store.
Okay....I did not want to be what I called "that girl"...."that girl" had a miscarriage, and now cannot look at another pregnant woman...gets jealous...can't seem to move on, etc. So, we're there at the table....kind of people watching....looking around....and then it's like my body had a physical response to these pregnant women who seem to be intentionally parading their visibly pregnant bellies in front of me out of spite. Now---I realize that all of that is not true. They are not intentionally trying to make me feel bad--they don't know me--it's not like they can really hide their bellies---they are just going to a specialty shop to buy clothes for their expanding bodies. They are all probably excited about their baby, and they have every right to feel that way. So, my thoughts were completely irrational, but I just kept looking at their round baby-filled bellies thinking, "it's not fair. why are they still pregnant, & I'm not? Statistically speaking, it had to happen somewhere, but why here? why to me? why to my baby? it's just not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!" ...and then I was crying.
And then----I didn't want to be "that girl."
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did toward the other pregnant women, b/c every baby deserves to be excited about, and although I wasn't directly wishing their baby harm---I felt guilty for thinking "why me instead of them."
And I felt weird for crying in public.
And I felt bad for crying on our date-nite.
I just felt bad.
So, it was weird & very very very unexpected, and then it was over.
And it makes me think about my cousin Jason & his wife...they are due in January. Our baby probably would have been due in January or February. So of course, on the day I found out---I called her to tell her that we are pregnant together, and we were both soooooo excited. So now I think---she'll have her baby, and I won't have mine. But, I don't find myself being jealous of her at all. I just find myself feeling weird when I see pregnant strangers.

I don't know....maybe I'm weird.

I just figure that in time, this too will fade. It won't be so new & fresh.


So....we came home from the date. And on the way home---"dammit! We should have gotten Megan a piece of cheesecake." That's strike #1 against us. I'm cashing in on a babysitting promise that Megan (& others!) made back when I was pregnant with Gage & then Gage was first born. So, the least I could have done was bring her cheesecake. We totally suck as "people to babysit for." And, that's not the only reason why. The whole plan for us to go out really came about late afternoon/early evening on Friday, and then she was here by 7....so, upon review the next morning, I realized that we didn't have good babysitter snack foods. Megan heated up a mini-quiche for dinner, and I'm sure it was fine---I mean, I purchased it b/c clearly I was interested in eating it at some point, so it's not like she only had crappy food to eat....but, I'm just saying. I think when we have a babysitter come---the pantry & fridge should be stocked with a wide variety of fun snacks....some healthy options, and some totally junk-food options...

We're new at this. The next time....we'll make sure that we either order a pizza, or stock the pantry with a better snack selection. It just seems to be good babysit-situation-etiquette. We fell short. We'll do better next time.

Gage totally loves Megan. I need to google "toddler tees"+"I LOVE MEGAN"....just to see if there is one for sale in cyberspace somewhere before I take to making my own.
Gage & Megan danced & played "twucks" for 2 hours while we were gone. He got to stay up late, and I don't think Megan ever ran out of energy for him. Megan learned that Gage does NOT like to wear pants when he's at home. Out in public he tolerates them & doesn't seem to comment on wanting to take them off...so maybe he realizes that it's not socially acceptable to fraternize without pants while in a public place.... But at home...he's just not having it. So, when we left the house, he was wearing a t-shirt, shorts, socks & shoes. When we got home, the outfit was gone, minus the t-shirt. Instead of his pull-up, he had his night-night diaper on b/c Megan said he was starting to slow down & she thought bedtime would be around the corner (she was right....) So....I noticed that the diaper was on backwards! I just laughed & laughed. She has no children. It was soooo funny to me, b/c you just don't realize what type of details you should provide to another when they watch your kiddos.
So, I didn't tell her which part of the diaper is the front, and which is the back.
That made me think: how did she cook her quiche? I didn't tell her how to work the oven. (which to me---it's all digital & you have to tell it to do what you want it to do, and then push start for it to execute the operation...which is really way too much button pushing...) Did she use the microwave...which is very self-explanatory (I think), but goodness....I haven't cleaned out the inside of the microwave in 2 weeks! I hope she figured out the oven. I think it's cleaner.

Anyway....I think Friday night was a success.
:)

So, Susan & David called on Saturday interested in babysitting Saturday night...which was also soooooo sweet. Told her we'd take a rain-check b/c we'd had a pretty good family day involving washing the dog outside & Gage playing in the sprinklers....and Scooby Doo! So, we were just going to hang in last night.
Besides...she's leaving town today for her Board Reviews, and I just don't think she really wants to spend her last night in town for a week babysitting for me. (Although I think David was perhaps secretly looking forward to Chuck E. Cheese if it could be worked out at all... David, I promise: we'll invite you next time.)

Alas, I must get off this laptop of mine.
Gage is begging to play foot-base-ball. (picture this: green plastic baseball bat, but he's lost the baseball, so he wants us to throw the football while he swings at it. It's fun.)
:)

We're sooooo lame...

...you probably thought this post was about us...
....we're sooooo laaaaaaaaaaaaame.
...you probably thought this post was about us....

well it is.

I'm not going to post much right now, but here's the deal.

Megan came over & babysat for us so that we could have a date night.

date night.

what to do?
dinner?
a movie? [no movie, i'll post why later.....]
So...we went to dinner. We probably left the house at 7:45...7:30 at the earliest.
Our date was over at 9:10.
After dinner....we didn't know what to do!
A movie would put us at getting home waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past our bedtime.
We were too full to go out for ice cream...
After my encounter with coffee this morning, that wasn't really an option...
Go to a bar? Um...no thanks. Not tonight.
Shopping? The stores closed at 9. We breezed past The Container Store & did a little window shopping...and headed home.

We don't know what to do on a date anymore. We're so lame.
But....we still had a really good time.

Okay....it's 11 pm....way past our bedtime already....and this is cutting into date-nite.

Megan---Thank you sooooooooooooo much.
We needed this.

Caught off guard...

Well...so my thoughts this morning, "Since I'm no longer pregnant, and I've generally really enjoyed drinking my coffee in the morning...let's reintroduce my body to that."
Right before I found out that I was pregnant this time, the smell of coffee just made me want to hurl...so I haven't had coffee in about 2 weeks. This morning, I tried it again.

Not sure if that is what caused my puking spell this morning or not.
Whatever the reason---I was huggin' the porcelein god for a while.

That of course was completely traumatic for Gage, who follows me everywhere I go, and unfortunately had to witness "Mommy sick". So Damon got him calmed down & I'm now laying on the couch eating a few crackers & watching some show on the History channel about oceanography & rogue waves.

We were caught off guard...night before last with something that Gage said. Now in the grand scheme of things, I only knew that I was pregnant with this baby for a little over a week before we found out that it had died. During that time, we talked to Gage about the baby, and we just assumed that he didn't grasp the concept or was just not interested.... Anyway...one night, when we didn't know anything bad about this pregnancy....we were on the couch & I asked Gage, "Do you love Mommy?" "mmmm hmmm." "do you love Daddy?" "mmm-hhhmmmm." "Do you love Eddie?" (the dog) "mmmm-hmmm." "do you love the baby?" "mmmm-hmmmm." Somehow the cat got left out of the mix...

But night before last, I asked Gage, "Do you love Mommy?" And he said, "mmm hmmm. and daddy and eddie and baby."
Oh, it just caught us off guard, you know?

But...I just know that he's too young to understand the whole situation...and eventually he'll just forget about the new baby. I mean, he's not even 2 yet...

Today....more bleeding, but less cramping. Puking. No fever...i don't think. I was not sure that the Darvocet was working...until I stopped taking it. Today really is not bad pain-wise, which is surprising to me because the bleeding has increased. But, the cramping really has not been bad today.
I have to take antibiotics to make sure I don't get an infection. That's no biggie. My throat hurts from puking. And I might be getting just a bit snippy from being couped up at home. I doubt I'll be able to convince Mr.Lainey-Paney to go anywhere---and I don't want to take the Darvocet b/c that will eliminate my chances of operating heavy machinery. (damn---no driving the Zambone today....or the lawn mower...yeah, like I planned on pushing that shit...ever. Hide your forklifts ladies & gentlemen---Lainey-Paney's on drugs & she's looking for something to drive!)

My little smile finder...

Gage has worked wonders for me...he just makes me smile.

Lately, he's been saying some funny stuff....and is so very talkative!

"Popagalloon." = Pop a balloon = Mommy accidentally popped a balloon.

"Arm Knee" = elbow. How cute is that? He knows he has a knee on his leg, so he thinks his elbows are knees for his arms... Oh, it's just funny to me.

"Hose yoooo" = Hold you = Will you pick me up & hold me?

"Suckie purse" = I want a sucker, and you keep them in your purse. (So, to all of my female family & friends---if you come over, & Gage points to your purse & says "suckie purse", I'm pretty sure he's not dissing your bag. He just wants candy. Unless of course your purse sucks---then he may just be telling the truth...)

Oh, what else? There really are so many things that he says throughout the day that just make me smile...

And, I said "crap" yesterday. Of course, he repeated it...repeatedly. So, while I should have been pissed at myself....(1) it was soooo funny & cute to hear that come out of his mouth, and (2) it could have been any other word, and worse!

The ultimate smile finder....after the fact, of course. Picture Gage & I sitting in the living room at his little table---coloring. Picture the florist coming to the door. We go, we answer the door, "thank you for the flowers..." etc. Gage did not want me to shut the front door, so I left it open. The glass door was shut though.
So, there I am reading the card, showing Damon, & just looking at the flowers. Then I realize---Gage is coloring all over the damn door! So, I tell him to stop, and I attempt to take the colors out of his hands. So, picture my almost 2 year old in his little pajamas, running from me---clenching crayons, and his arms just spread out as far as he can get them. As he runs from me---he's trying to color on any and all surfaces that he passes before I pry the colors from his little white clenched fists.
UGH.
Draining in the moment....but funny looking back on it.

He's making me feel better. He keeps us very, very busy.

Unpregnant. (Maybe too graphic for some)

We had the D&C this morning.
Last night was rough.

I'll be fine for a while, and then just cry for a while.
And for some reason....I was tired last night, but just didn't want to go to sleep. When I finally got in bed....I just cried. For I don't know how long.
Maybe my thoughts are morbid & weird, and not normal...but I don't know. I just kept thinking, this is it; this is the last night with my "new baby". I will never hold this baby anymore. Tomorrow this baby will be taken out of me, and it will be gone. It will become something that just happened once.

And my family & friends call & that's wonderful. But for some reason, I just haven't wanted to talk. I just want to sleep off & on, cry off & on, and think about other stuff off & on. So, for all of my family & friends reading this---I'm sorry. I just don't know what to say or do. And, it's like when someone dies---when new people show up at the funeral home, or at the house, the crying starts over. It's crying with new people. It's a weird little pattern....but it happens. My sister-in-law & her husband came over yesterday afternoon when we got the news....we were in the living room...I hadn't cried in at least an hour, but they get here to drop off some dinner for us, and suddenly the crying starts again. Just crying with new people.

Today. woke up. had to get Gage out to the Mother in law's...so, my mom volunteered for that.
I brushed my teeth right before we left the house. Started puking. Was it the hormonal imbalance/morning sickness? Was it nerves? Was it all of it? I dunno.
Then we left for the dr, and Mom was going to meet us there after taking Gage out to Rockwall.

Got there early (that's a first...)
Had the procedure done in the surgical suite of the OB's office. (How awesome is that? They have a surgical suite that is just for their practice...it's very nice, and you don't have to check into the surgical unit of the hospital & do all of that hospital paperwork & just deal with all that crap.)
Everyone at Dr.B's office was sooooooooooo nice, and wonderful, and respectful and supportive. I mean, yesterday we got the news in the sonographer's room....and I just KNEW she was going to keep her mouth shut & not tell us a thing & make me wait to meet with Dr.B. She did not. She was honest, and understanding, and straightforward about the results. Within seconds of me changing clothes, we were taken to Dr.B's office at the end of the hall (a place where nobody gets good news...being in his personal office @ his office just sucks). We were in there for all of a minute before he came in & met with us....after that, his nurse hugged me in the hall & told me how sorry she was & how excited she knew we were....We set up the surgery...Kacie at the front desk said she'll just bill my insurance, and whatever portion or office copays we owe, she'll let us know by mail...told us not to worry about all of that today. (how often does that happen nowadays???) Anyway...they were all just soooo understanding. Or....I was an ugly--been-crying-for-a-while mess that they didn't want to deal with for long, and damn sure didn't want their other patients seeing! Whatever the case...they were super. And, in such a just horrible situation, they could not have been any better to me.

Anyway...today, I had this D&C. Under the influence of drugs, I'm sure I said this...but this is how I felt....I felt like I was having an abortion that I didn't want to have. Perhaps, in a way I was. The procedure suite is cold, but very nice. Well...that describes the waiting area & recovery area. The procedure room itself is....just as I imagined an abortion clinic. Freaky ass stirrups that look like they could each support the weight of a Buick. Now luckily....the anesthesiologist knocks you out, and you are asleep before your legs ever go up, and when you wake up---you're in the recovery area. It's bizarre. I'd love to believe that my legs were never placed in those god-awful things....but, if I can't have that, at least I have no memory of the events. When the procedure begins...you walk into this room, and lay down on this freaky ass stirrup table, and the anesthesiologist begins. His IV placement was AWESOME compared to every single IV I've ever had ever. And then come the drugs. It was kind of weird because here are the people in the room: me, the nurse, Dr.B, & Dr.G (anesthesiologist). Obviously Dr.G is busy doing my IV & giving me drugs. The rest of us were just kind of there, waiting for me to fall asleep, making small talk. The small talk was led by me....of course. And, I have no idea when I fell asleep.

I barely remember waking up.
Apparently everything went very well, according to Dr.B. No problems, no complications. Just perfect. Mom said that the whole time I was in there, she & Damon just sat in the waiting room & cried.

I had to get a Rhogam shot.
I am now a G2P1. That's medical terminology for 2 pregnancies, one living child.
G2P1. That's weird.

There was nothing to see. I, of course, just HAD to see. Morbid curiosity? Maybe. I just needed it. So, the nurse took me & showed me the "products of conception" from my D&C. Products of conception. It was basically my pregnancy in a jug. In a canister. In a plastic medical container...there were all my products of conception. The baby was somewhere in there, too small to be identified among all of the endometrial lining where my body was preparing a place for the baby to grow.
Did I see a baby? No. Somehow...not seeing a baby helped me...I think.
So, what happens now? The canister is taken to pathology & examined...and then incinerated with medical waste....which, if I had seen a baby AT ALL would not have happened. If I had seen any tiny little little being, we'd have had the remains cremated...just because I would have wanted that. But...not in this case. It was just too tiny to find.

And, I'm sorry if all of this is too graphic to read. Don't read it.
But, it's my world right now.

So...last night/yesterday before all of the events of today...I knew that I wouldn't be able to lift Gage for a few days, and I wanted to take him to do something fun. So, we went to Chuck E. Cheese pizza. The pizza was actually better this time than it was the last time we went. And oh, the fun Gage had. Just so everyone knows: 4pm is a weird time to eat, but it's a great time to go to Chuck E. Cheese because it is NOT crowded. Before, we went on Friday or Saturday night. Won't do that again if I can help it.
Anyway...I think he had a great time. He was so upset when it was time to leave. He just wanted to stay.


So... that post chronicles events over the past couple of days. Certainly it is not in chronological order of the activities...but, I'm on pain meds & not particularly clear right now.

I'm just very....unpregnant.

Sad News.

We lost the baby.
The sonogram today did not go well. Dr. B thinks that the baby probably died before I ever even knew that I was pregnant. I was probably between 8 & 10 weeks, but my uterine growth was retarded to 7w1d. Dr.B says that in cases like this, it is most likely severe chromosomal defects that cause the malformation or sudden stop in formation of the embryo/fetus. But, your body is still technically pregnant, since there was the initial union of the sperm & egg into an embryo...so you still get all of the symptoms of pregnancy, but you get no baby to carry to term, to take home, etc.

We'll have a D&C tomorrow.

Thanks for all of the well wishes & support.

We're just sad. It's been a whirlwind of unexpected joy & now heartache.

Problems....Sono tomorrow.

Well....I'm pretty much all cried out.
The dr's office called.
My beta has not doubled in the 48 hour period. apparently, they usually "at least double" in 48 hours. My test was a period of 47 hours, and it went from 39,000 to just over 47,000. My progesterone level is apparently "not high enough to maintain a pregnancy." They want to see me "first thing in the morning, to see if the baby has a heartbeat, and is growing in the right place. Dr.B is just concerned" (to quote Kim, the nurse today).

So....there's that.
It's just amazing to me that I found out about the existence of this baby 1 week ago. One week. I've been so excited & in love for one week. Is there a baby? Is there something wrong with the baby? Did I cause this b/c I didn't know I was pregnant? It's just....awful feeling.

On the flip side: what if we get there & the baby looks great. Can I take progesterone (shots, pills, patches, whatever...hand 'em over & I'll take 'em!) Or should I? Is this nature's way of telling me, "not this one....something's wrong." ?????

Does my baby have a heartbeat? Did it ever?

I just feel hot & cold & nauseated & horrible.
And, of course I've been sooooo excited, so I've told everyone & their mom about my new baby. I've been looking at maternity clothes & strollers, and we went out & bought some new non-gender-specific baby clothes.

So....just pray for my baby, and pray that no matter what is to be, that we are all able to find peace about this.
We're just scared.

Damon will be with me at the appt. in the morning, but he's got people coming in from out of state to meet with him about a project. Considering the fact that they are already in route, it's not like he can reschedule. So, since he probably won't be able to stay the whole time, my mom is coming up too.

Will it be horrible news?
Will it be be fine news: you have a baby, it has a heartbeat, it's in the right place, & your hormones are just funy. Here take the pills, y'all will all be fine.
I don't know what will happen. Like I said...we're just scared.

Double Strollers.

So....Gage will be about 2 1/2 when the new baby is born.

If I ever want to take the two out & about by myself, I am going to need a double stroller.

Right?

I mean, 2 1/2 years old...he is able to walk on his own...but what if he runs off, or throws a fit, or gets tired, etc. Surely, I'm going to need a double stroller.

So, here are my thoughts on what I've found so far...


This is a Phil & Ted's stroller with an add-on seat.
I would so kick the bottom the child. I just would.
Who goes on bottom? The new baby won't be all that interested in looking around, but Gage will---so Gage gets the top. But...I don't want my brand new baby down near the floor....but, Gage may reach out & drag his hand on the dirty floor....

Clearly, the above stroller has me stressed already. I don't think it's going to work for me.


This one...I can't imagine wheeling this thing through the mall. Sometimes it is hard to get through the aisles with a single-wide stroller....much less a double-wide.
[man, I wish you could hear how I just said that to myself in my head...it was very white-trash-double-wide-like.]
The upside to this arrangement: they both get to face forward.
But...by the time the new baby cares about facing forward, will Gage be out of a stroller???

The Sit & Stand Version...

This stroller...is for a baby & an older child. Seems perfect, right?
But, again I ask....what about when the older child is tired of walking, or isn't being particularly mindful that day.... I don't know about this one...

Well...then there's this:

The seats are movable...and removable too...so, you can have an infant carrier, and a regular stroller seat when you need that. So, that's cool.

Another option that I really like...
The BumbleRide Queen B.
It has an attachable toddler seat...



In that bottom picture...it looks really small....but I've seen a pic of the stroller with a bayb & a toddler.

But then I worry....about Gage growing out of the toddler seat...
But, I also don't want to waste $$ on a double stroller if Gage is not going to be IN a stroller for much longer....

I don't know...I think that's why I like the last one the most. It's not a double wide, and can be used as a single stroller.

Call Me Already......

SHEEEEEEEEEEESH.

Let's see...Friday's Beta was to be reported today & I can't wait for the OB's office to call.

So...I called them. Left a message at 10:30.

It's almost noon....and still no word yet.


Enquiring Minds Want to Know!
I wanna know!

Call Me Already!

It's a girl!

...I think!

(okay, to my Mom: I am sorry. I know the blog post title must have had you sooooo excited. But, hear me out---I have almost convinced myself that this is a girl.)

Morning sickness: Each day is 24 hours long, right? Let's subtract 8 hours for sleeping. That leaves 16 hours for awake time. So, I'm nauseated for about 15 of those hours all day every day. This has been going on for a few days now. I remember Dr.Brough saying that morning sickness peaks at 8-10 weeks, so I think I may be in that little time frame...or, it's a girl. Why do I think that? Because I don't EVER remember being this queasy all day every day when I was pregnant with Gage.

Pre-PG Weight: 112. pounds
Pre-queasiness weight: 115. pounds
Today's weight, after queasy for days & not wanting to eat hardly anything: 113.8 pounds.

What else makes me think it's a girl??? Well, they say if you are pregnant with a boy then you are radiant & glow. If you are pregnant with a girl then you...well, you don't look so hot because the baby girl steals all of your beauty. Well, I don't feel well, and I look gross, and this baby is stealing my beauty & my hair! (1) Found another spot (we knew that would happen since I cut my hair short...it was bound to happen...), & (2) I've been shedding like crazy. I had great hair when I was pregnant with Gage. It followed the classic "you shed less when you're pregnant" pattern. Not this time.

So...I'm 99% convinced that it's a girl!
...or, it's just that every pregnancy is different, and I am taking the differences & assuming that it means I am carrying a different gender child than my last pregnancy...

....hmmmm....only time will tell.

The good news: now that I've chopped my hair off, it won't get in my way when I'm puking my guts up.
Always nice to look on the bright side, right?

Warning: The Following Images May Be Disturbing.

What the hell happened to maternity clothes since the last time I was pregnant?

I mean, I remember finding some decent looking stuff....
and I remember living in tank tops (I was hot all the time!)....

Anyway...while looking online, I found the following:


So...for that special occassion....is the baby the gift? are you the gift? I'm waaaaay confused. I'd never wear a bow that big on any part of my body.

And then there's this:

Hypnosis central.
That top is hideous.

But hey...at least the underwear are attractive...

Damon & I call undies like these "grill covers."

Why? Well....little story there.
Way back when I was pregnant the first time...I had some Old Navy low rise maternity undies & t-backs....etc. They were fine. But they weren't just super-comfortable-hang-around-the-house kind of comfy. So, we're at WalMart one day, and I tell himt hat I just want to breeze through the undies section & get a package of Hanes or Fruit of the Loom---regular cotton panties, in a size bigger than my normal size. Well, being the big helper that he is, flags down the nearest person in a blue vest for assistance. She then takes us to the maternity underwear section & shows us our choice between...maybe 2 or 3 different packages. Thought #1: you can't see the panties, b/c they are in a package...pick at random & hope for the best, #2: how long has it been since I bought my damn underwear in a package? Sheeeeesh. Years. Years. So, we grab a pack of maternity, and a pack of larger-than-my-normal-size Hanes & head to the house.
GEEEEEEEEZ LOUISE. When I got those maternity undies out...they were big enough to cover the damn grill. They were HUGE.
Man, we laughed...and laughed.... called 'em "grill covers."

And then....as I kept getting BIGGER & BIGGER.... suddenly those grill covers started to fit.
And then...they became the only undies that fit. (No, not really...but they did become the most comfy of all the panties I owned at the time!)

Oh...good times with the grill covers....

Hope I made ya laugh.
:)

Newest News......

BECAUSE....I AM....



We found out 7/16/7 when I got home from work.

Had a beta drawn 7/18 & again today.
7/18's beta was 39,000
I don't know today's results yet.
So...the OB Coordinator at the OB/Gyn's office says that she will call me on Monday or Tuesday to let me know just how pregnant they think I am.
Needless to say, we weren't marking any calendars....

:)
So, we expect Baby #2 sometime in the Spring...

Ratings....

Just so you know, this blog has been rated NC-17, based on the frequency of the following words:
crap (4x) suck (3x) fuck (2x) hurt (1x)

["hurt"??? really? you think that word correllates with an NC-17 rating?]

"My thumb will HURT if I smash it with a hammer."
Yeah...that sure is dirty....

Not the posterchild for procreation...

So...I've got internet at home now.
Wooohoooo.

So...this morning I had a dr's appt. Supposed to be there around 8:45-9. Got there at 9:15. Got out of there about 10:20. Gage hated EVERY minute of it.
And, I asked Kaci, one of the girls at the front desk---"So, when are you guys going to have a one?" Perfectly timed question given the fact that Gage was in my arms, kicking, thrashing & screaming.
Her response, "We're NOT!"
me: "What do you mean? THIS doesn't look like fun? Running around chasing a toddler until you're sweating...and frantic to find ANYTHING that will just keep him quiet...Kaci, it doesn't get much better than this!"

yeah...i don't think i had her convinced....

After that...we came home...Gage threw a fit. It started as we were getting out of the car. He laid down on the sidewalk, kicking & screaming. I up-righted him, and he took off running...into the grass---toward the street. So, here I am--purse & keys in hand, in a skirt, running after him. When I reach him---he throws himself to the ground & is kicking & screaming. By now, a neighbor who walks regularly is passing in front of our home. Oh, I'm a proud mama, I am. I pick his little ass up, plant him firmly on my hip & we march up to the front door. He's going in whether he's ready or not. He's screaming, slapping at my hair, thrashing. We're both getting mad.And then......I dropped the keys. Fuck.
After that, I attempted to put him down for a nap. That didn't work out.

We kept our lunch date...which, he was very well-behaved for. I was pretty proud about that. Especially given the fact that he had not napped. Oh, and a little FYI: don't order the kids nugget meal at El Fenix. It totally sucks,and they need to stick with cooking Mexican food.

Then we came home & Gage wanted "yogo". That's yogurt. So, I fixed him some & gave him some "trapes" (b/c you know, his lunch SUCKED) & then we napped on the couch. He woke up disoriented & pissed about 20 minutes ago.
I was just glad that we both had a chance to nap.

Driving Me Crazy...

Gage's fits are driving me crazy.



...perhaps not socially acceptable....but tempting...at times.

"Hey Dallas, Eat This!"

So, on Saturday night, we went to the "Taste of Dallas" festival in the downtown/WestEnd area.
For the life of me, I could NEVER remember the title...I kept calling it "Eat Dallas" or "Dallas, Eat This."
Damon just laughed at me....
But by the end of the night, it became
"Hey Dallas, Eat This!" - by Baby Gage.


So, needless to say, there were a ton of people down there.
Gage loved it.

We went to a restaurant that we thought was Joe's CrabShack.

Um...it wasn't.
We had a good time sitting on the patio, listening to live music...watching Baby Gage tear it up out there (he's a dancing machine).
And then our food came.
The good news: they didn't screw up my garden salad with ranch dressing.
The bad news: the fried catfish that Damon ordered was so horrible. Just thinking about it makes my stomach woooooozy.
I ordered the Mahi Mahi, which was fine. Not GREEEEEAT....but good. Damon's meal seriously brought our whole experience down. That's how bad it was.

But, like I said....Gage had a great time.
And in the following video...not only do I want you to notice Gage jamming to the band....but as the waitresses sail by....watch where his little gaze settles. Yes, my child is....I guess, an ass man.



Anywho.... our restaurant was across from the main entrance to the old West End Marketplace, and this what Gage would stare at when he wasn't checking out the ass end of the ladies:

He would say, "Oh, Monsssser".
Who taught him "monster"?? Or to be afraid of "monsters"?

And then they had this kiddie area with all kinds of inflatable slides & bounce-houses.
Of course, they're run by crooks.
Me: "No, I should be getting $18 in change, because I gave you a twenty, not a ten."
Him: wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.
Me: "Yes, I'm sure."

Whatevah.
Gage had a blast.

Kind of blurry...it was an action shot.

So...we were there until 8:30 or 9. Past that little boy's bedtime, that's for sure. But, he was soooooo good.

And, we were all sticky & hot as we were pulling out of the parking lot. We all thought, "hey, let's ride with the windows open."
Yeah....hindsight is 20/20....
As we tootled around, making our way lazily & happily through the downtown streets...back to the fierce interstate that brought us to the festival...we hear Gage say from his carseat: "Bottle." [he means sippy cup....]
"Bottle [pause] gone-gone."
"Uh-oh bottle. Gone-gone. Byyyyyyyyye."

What do YOU think happened? He chunked that shit out the window! We figure it was somewhere around Cadiz street.... I imagine Gage mentally yelling, "Hey Dallas, Eat This!"
And of course we were shocked & laughing, and then a little miffed because that was one of his favorite kind of little sippies. (although---really...they're super cheap Nuby brand at WalMart....I'll just have to go buy more.)

It's a Messy Messed Up World..

...at our house.

So...last Friday night, the evening was spent...you know, how it's normally spent...all of us hanging out & Gage squeezing toothpaste onto the rug.

"Mom, the rug is not going to clean itself....and CLEARLY you're not going to do it."

What after that? Dinner, "twucks", more living room football...and then we were WORN OUT!


Gage & I fell asleep on the floor. Sure, I look like a hateful mega-beast who won't share a blanket...
Gage---if that was the case, sorry 'bout that.

Ketchup....Catsup....

or, rather, "Catch Up".

Yes, that's what we need to do here folks...we need to play "catch up."

So, this past week was week one of the new program.
"Why, Lainey-Paney....whatever do you mean?"
Well, remember when I posted about working part time...and staying home part time?
Well...I'm doin' it.

I'm a part-time-stay-at-home-mom.
I'm a part-time-employee.
I'm not attending grad school this summer, and classes will resume in the Fall. So...that means that I do NOT go to work for 4 days out of the week...and I work 3 days a week.

"Oh my goodness, Lainey-Paney! You must LOVE that!"

Well....I'm not hatin' it; you know what I'm sayin'?
But....it's damn sure not as easy as I thought it would be.

Take for example, the following:

"Oh, Gage, was there some sort of teeny-tiny bomb in your cereal bowl that made the contents explode all over the table? Because...I don't remember my cheerios flying out of my bowl when I ate mine..."

Now that actually happened on Monday night, and the good Lord only knows why I didn't learn from that mess.
Tuesday morning....as I've decided that it is time to phase out the highchair...I gave Gage a bowl of yogurt...set him in his little chair at his little table to watch "ca-toons" as I ignorantly believed I could sneak away into the kitchen to load the dishwasher. [stupid, stupid woman.] A few minutes later, here comes the walking yogurt monster with his yogurt covered jazz hands, whining, "stick-eeeeee. stick-eeeeee."
Yogurt: head to toe.
Okay, not on his toes....but on his legs down to the ankle.
Hair---yogurt.
Cheeks---yogurt.
Chin, neck, chest, tummy, thighs, knees, shins.....yogurt.
Forearms & hands....yeah....yogurt.
So, I didn't even FIND the yogurt bowl until nap time. (it was under the couch if you are wondering.)
The detective in me has decided: it looks like our suspect emptied the contents of the bowl onto the blue table. He then used his hands to coat the entire flat top surface of the table in what appears to be---yogurt. After this, he used his yogurt coated hands to smear the substance on his person. The hand prints in the yogurt are small, and we believe our suspect is about 3 feet tall, has small hands, and is most likely: coated in yogurt. If you see anyone fitting this description, he is armed with yogurt & sticky. He is a threat to non-washable surfaces everywhere. Hide your silk scarves, ladies.

So....moving on....
My child has nobody to play with except me on Day 1 of SAH-Status (stay-at-home-status). So, we play a lot of "twucks" & football in the living room.
I'm about "twucked-out" by nap time, and so ready for a break.
So was he.

So....all in all...it was a very long day.
But, we had fun.
I was tired as hell by the time Damon got home....but it was nice to just not have to go to work.

So, then on Wednesday I had another day off. I had to come up to the hospital for a baby shower...

Gage had a good time helping Sarah with all of the leftover tissue paper...

After the shower, we had to go up to the school to get cleared for registration (mandatory meeting with advisor...yada, yada, yada....)
So, that made for a better stay at home day b/c we both got out & about & saw people, and we weren't just staying at home looking at each other & mentally saying, "So, what do you want to do now?"

It looks like lunches with Jamie are in the near future. She's my "roll-dawg" at work, but she quit & now works in downtown Dallas for Bickel & Brewer. She wants to get together for lunch.
Megan works downtown too....so we can meet her for lunch too!
Susan's got some time off before her new job starts....so we're going to get together for shopping! (Damon & David: don't read that! We're not...."shopping"...we're researching current merchandise & goods that are available for OTHERS to purchase.)

And in OTHER news.... we are 99% done with the painting in the nursery.
Yes, we still have 1% to go, but I need to go get the right brush for the touch-ups.
And, we still have not hung anything on the walls yet....so, I'm going to post some pics, but remember it's still not COMPLETELY done.


(Yes, that is his mobile suspended from the ceiling. We can't hang it on the crib, or he might pull it down....but he loves it & insists on playing the music EVERY time he goes down to sleep.)


You know...I hear some moms say that they never used their changing tables & thought it was a waste of space & money.
That's so not me. I use mine ALL THE TIME. I certainly use it every morning when I get Gage up. I change him there & usually get him dressed there. I just love having it.

Okay....so, it's Friday afternoon. I will be off work until Monday.
Then on Tuesday we're getting internet at home & new TV service (it's a package deal...)
Wednesday, there is a wedding shower for my friend, Hillary....don't know if we'll make it to that or not...but we may try.
Her wedding is August 4th....so that should be fun!
:)

"Don't Make Me Come Through This Phone."

"....because I will fucking do it."



So, I just got off the phone with the lovely institution where I do my banking.
Customer Service.
Ponder that for a moment.
The customer: that would be me. "Hi, I'm calling & I would like you to assist me."
The assistance, help, support....that would be the service part.
The service part should be performed by the employee working for the above mentioned institution, and their job title is most likely---Customer Service Representative.

"Hey Dip-shit that I spoke with: that means that it is your damn job to help me & shit when I call with a problem."

Needless to say, the first person I spoke with was not very supportive....or helpful...or assisting in any way---until he passed the buck to someone who (1) actually knew what they were doing, and (2) seemed to understand their role within the company.

So, what happened?

I logged onto my bank account to check on the balance, what's cleared, what hasn't.... What? What is this charge? I've never even heard of that company.

I call Damon. Hey, did you use my debit card lately?
(this is my personal account, so he does not have a card for it.)
The charge that cleared read to be a "check card purchase".
Um, I would have known if I spent that money.
The charge was for 7/10. I did nothing that day. I went nowhere. WTF?

So, "Sir Dip-shit the unhelpful customer service rep" answers my call.
I explain what happened.
"I want to dispute the charge, and I want my check card closed, cancelled, whatever. I want it deactivated."

The guy proceeds to tell me all about how the best wayyyyyyyyyyyy to yada, yada, dispute the charge. I told him that I want to do that, deactivate my card, and have a new card with new number issued....

He & I get into it about how I think disputing it is not enough, b/c obviously my info is out in cyberspace or in the wrong hands some way. He then proceeds to tell me all about how when it is investigated by the fraud detection...something about, "if you really did have anything to do with this, or you really did make this purchase..."
Did you just call me a liar?
I told you----I have not make a purchase with that company.
I have not set anything up on the internet.
I have not done any of this.

Then he's talking about how I don't need to deactivate my card....
I had to explain to him----"Every second that you waste telling me this, is one more second that fraudulent activity could be taking place on my card!"
I mean---what the crap does he care? It's not his checking account that's been tapped into.

And he said something about after an investigation....getting the $$$ back.
I told him, "Would you just stop? Would you just listen to me? I never said anything about you paying it back.We can get to all of that later. You can explain all of this little stuff to me, after you do what I've asked: What I want RIGHT NOW, is my card turned off!!!!"
What I care about is the information being out there.
So, then, he just wanted to argue, and tell me that I didn't understand that I just need to dispute the charge (AGAIN HE GOES THROUGH THIS....)
So, when I explained that I need to take whatever steps necessary to protect myself financially, and indicated that I would do whatever it took---up to & including closing all my banking business with their company, and moving my funds elsewhere.....suddenly I was placed on hold & he spoke with a supervisor to find out that I had to speak with fraud.

Spoke with them.
They deal with this shit everyday.
Finally....someone who seemed to be able to understand what I want & why I want it.

And now, My HEAD HURTS.

Don't anyone ask me to buy anything for the next few days. I ain't got no caaaaahhhd.

Girl....you better check his pants!



Oh my goodness! What is that?

Well...glad you asked.
That would be my checkbook.
Or...that would be what is LEFT of my checkbook.
I know that *I* did not leave it in my pants pockets b/c *I* never carry it in my pants pockets.
Perhaps I am to blame for doing laundry without checking my husband's pockets. It was sooooo silly of me to treat him like a big boy. Just assuming that he would empty his pockets...removed his belts...etc.
Perhaps somebody is going to be getting a purse in the future to carry small items like this...oh, not a purse...a "man-bag."

EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, JACKA$$!
Love,
The Laundry Lady.

I CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF!

Or, rather, I had it chopped off....

Here's my head...last Friday....


And from the side....


...and it looks cute straight too. (is that terrible for me to say?)
Well, so what. I got my hair cut, and it would be bad if I didn't like it.
I like it a lot, and it takes a lot less time to fix in the morning.
:)

The gal that cuts my hair calls it an "asymmetrical bob."
It's shorter in the back...and then longer in the front.
I think it's fun.
:)
And my Momma likes it too!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

My baby....on a tricycle.
He's not even TWO.

Now, granted...he's not GREAT at riding it.
I just can't believe that he's not even two, and his feet can reach the pedals.
Maybe it's because I'm so short....but,still!
It's only got 3 wheels, so he may turn the wheel just so, shift his weight, and take a header off the front at any given moment....but he's still getting right back up there to try it again.

He's my fearless little wonder.
:)
Besides....his shirt says it all:
"That's How I Roll." [yeah, he's ghetto-fab like that. watchout.]

Old News: Our Tree Broke....

So, we have a ton of trees on our lot. Way more than we want or need. But...mature trees are nice....I could just stand to have a few fewer (how's that for funny wording?)....

Well....one of our trees broke.


Can you believe that?

And the kicker---my car WAS PARKED there about a minute before Damon & Gage heard the crack & saw the tree break in half & fall.
That crap almost landed on my car!

...and given our extraordinary luck lately, I'm sure the car insurance would tell us to file on the home owners....I'm sure the home owners would tell us to file on the car insurance...somehow, I'm sure we'd have gotten screwed!

And sooooo....when the storm was over, Gage & I had fun playing outside while Damon did the Texas Chainsaw Massacre on the tree in the front yard...

Well...I was going to post all about the weekend...
...and last week....
...and just about what all is going on...
...it was going to be cute with pictures & everything...
...but, the techno forces are against me.
Snapfish keeps fucking up, and stupid blogger won't let me enter a title to this very post.

I'll give it another try later.
Maybe.

"Man, he's straight trippin'"

Why, that's the IRS man I'm talkin' bout....you know, the one who's straight trippin'!

So, we had Meeting ONE of our audit yesterday.
Sure, I'll post about 4th of July too...but more important is what happened on the 5th of July.



We met with Dan the IRS Man (as I like to call him...but not to his face).

He was as pleasant as he could possibly be given the job he has to perform on a daily basis. I'm really quite talked out on the details of our audit...but in a nut-shell, my advice to each & every taxpaying citizen out there: you are ultimately financially responsible for your taxes, the preparation of them, the completion of the forms, their timely delivery, and the accuracy of the content ---- whether you know the fucking laws or not. So, be very, very, very sure of who you hire to prepare these documents on your behalf. Why? Because when they make a mistake---basic or complex, makes no difference---when they make that mistake, they could give two shits, they got your $ for preparing the taxes in the first place, and you are left holding the bag...which gets quite heavy after penalties & interests. Although, the IRS will have a sorrowful looking representative assure you that HE does not believe you intentionally or malisciously tried to screw the U.S. Government.

Additional comments from the hotseat: trying to look cute in the tax man's office gets you nowhere. In fact, I think you have a better chance of impressing them if you take a very expensive mechanical pencil and/or anything made by Texas Instruments with some type of incredibly boring codename for a title (seriously---you want me to get you a TI-C4596??? Why don't you just say you want a calculator, man???)
What else??? Oh, be very very very prepared for some research persdon (who you will never meet) to have prepared a "file" on you. Yes, this is what your mother was talking about when she said, "Don't! That'll go on your PERMANENT RECORD!" Seriously, heed my warning---she was right.)Yes, we've got a file. It's thick too. I only saw bits & pieces of what is in there....but, basically it's got every address I've ever lived at....every job I've ever worked....the names of people who MOVED INTO my address after I left there (what the fuck good is that?? I don't know a "Martina Smith"...whatever...) it had every credit card account I'd ever had, even if it wasn't my own account but I was an authorized signer....every car we'd ever owned.... The only thing I think it did NOT include, but again, I can't confirm this b/c I didn't see the whole thing---but I think it may not have included my immunizations & perhaps my last bowel movement...other than that, it was ALL in there.

"So, did you recieve any interest income on any accounts that you had open the year of....." yada yada yada.

"I don't think so."

"Is this your name here? Do you claim ownership of this account?"

"Oh, yeah, that is my account."

"You didn't file a 1099 for that interest, and you now owe..."
Yes, I owe taxes on $48.00 that was paid to me in the form of interest.
And now, b/c the audit is from YEARS ago, I owe taxes on $48.00, penalties & interest Xmultiple years on the taxes owed on the $48.
"He's straight trippin'"

But hey---if we're lucky, he'll waive all the penalties.

Now, that's not the whole story. Just the interesting highlights. Basically every single one of our deductions is being examined & that big whopping $48 in unclaimed interest.

I don't hate the IRS.
I don't hate the man who did our audit: Dan the IRS Man. He was just doing his job.
But, I can't say that it was a particularly pleasant experience, and it's not over yet (lucky me! lucky me!).
But, I'll say this: from this point forward, for every person who pisses me off---I'm going to start secretly hoping that they get audited!

Happy 4th of July!

Well...happy 4th of July!



We've got plans to go to Rockwall for a parade...
...and who knows what after that.

I hear that SheDaisy is playing at the Star Spangled Fourth in Garland....so who knows. I tell you what--I'm not standing any place in the rain, or in the mud. So, if it's raining on the 4th, we'll be celebrating on the couch.
I know that's right...

Four Years Old.

Today, Riley would have been 4 years old.

For those that know about Riley...I'm sorry if I seem to talk about it a lot...write about it a lot... But, I think about it a lot. I can't help it.

For those that don't know; Riley was my nephew & he died just before Gage was born.

And I'll never stop talking about him, and I'll never stop writing about it, and I'll never forget him.

So.......
Four years ago today, I was at work. It was a Wednesday. It was July 2, 2003.
I got the call from my sister that she was going to have the baby that day. So, I asked my boss, "If I hurry & get all of my documentation done, can I go?" She said, "yes." So, there it was, I was at his delivery. My sister wore a hospital gown; Riley wore his birthday suit; and I wore a black linen dress & wore my hair in a low ponytail (as I often did...). They had a whole crew of people there because they didnt expect Riley to be as big as he was, and thought he may need some help breathing when he got here... The actual delivery went so fast. (this, coming form the gal who was NOT in labor & NOT pushing a baby out...) Anyway, it truly seemed like 2 pushes, and he was here. And, he was great! Breathing fine...doing a lot better than they thought he would be doing! He was just fine! Crying, and wiggling...he really surprised everyone. I remember my sister or the doctor asking me what I thought about seeing my first delivery...and I remember saying that it was "sooooo gross, but sooooo cool!" I was there for his very first breath. I was there at the very moment he entered this world.

After that, I took Trystan home to spend the night with me...and then on Thursday night, I took Trystan to Arizona with me. We flew there, and boy, did I have my hands full! When you aren't used to having a toddler around...suddenly being in a very confined plane row of two seats & trying to wrangle him in & get him to settle down...oh boy! [those memories right there make me reluctant to take Gage anywhere by plane...]

Anyway...I took Trystan with me to Arizona for 4th of July so that my sister & James could have some bonding time with Riley, and not have to keep up with Trystan in the mix. And, I am so glad that I did that for them.
:)

The last time I saw Riley was at his 2nd Birthday. We celebrated at Camp Wanica.
He swam, ran around on the playground, got completely dirty, got his clothes wet, got icing all over his face...just had a great time being a 2 year old boy.


Riley & Memma...


Riley swimming with my sister...


2 months & 4 days later, Riley died.
He died on a Tuesday.
I was at home when I was told...It was around 7pm...I was wearing pajama pants & a t-shirt when I got the news from my aunt. My house was a mess b/c I was on bedrest, and not expecting company. I was 17 days away from having my own son.

Apparently, during naptime that day at my sister's house, Riley climbed out of his bedroom window & locked himself in the car in the driveway. He was found later when my brother-in-law went to wake him & his brother from their nap. He wasnt in his room, and so my brother-in-law went outside and found him in the car, locked in, sitting in his carseat. He was just sitting there--& looked like he was sleeping. My sister said they called 911 around 3 or 3:30 when they found him....but it was too late.

My sister said that they did not take Riley to a hospital & attempt to resusitate him, because paramedics were unable to do anything at the scene. My sister said that there were news crews everywhere. She said that they put Riley in a bassinet & covered him with a blanket before transporting him to the ME's office.

This past February, when I was home with Gage during his super-ugly-stomach bug, I was talking to my sister about Riley, and being sad, and missing him, and all those things. She told me something about his death that I didn't know...and I still struggle with. There were some neighborhood children who saw him in the car. They didn't know about the dangers of kids in cars, and so they didn't knock on the door to tell my sister & brother in law...they didn't tell their parents...they didn't tell anyone. It was the time of day when kids were coming home from school...and they passed the car & saw him in there...crying.
He was crying. And scared. And alone. And it breaks my heart. Over & Over & Over again, it breaks my heart. And, I know that every single time I post about this, or talk about this, I just seem to focus on the fact that he died alone. He was absolutely alone and I can't seem to get past that. "God was there." Yes, I know that. Yes, I have faith in that. But it does NOT negate the fact that I am still just angry about it all.

And then I think about the series of events....the car was unlocked in the driveway when he found it. Even if it had been locked, he still would have been in danger because he got out of the window. What if there had been a better or different lock there? And what about the kids who saw him? What if they had just TOLD someone!???
But then I think...that's not how it happened. We can't change anything about that.
Who would have possibly dreamed that toddlers can open big house windows?
Until this happened to our family---leaving a car unlocked in the driveway of a safe neighborhood would not really be THAT big of a deal. "whoops, left the car unlocked. glad I took my purse in the house." You know--no biggie. I mean, each of these details came together & fell right into place for Riley to die the way he did. But each of them---when taken away from the whole story---you wouldn't think about THAT detail being harmful.

And Lord knows I don't want anyone to read the above thoughts & think that I am blaming anyone, because I'm not. I am soooooo not blaming anyone. It's really just the way my mind works & races about the details.

What if those kids had knocked on the door & told my sister?
Then he'd be 4 years old today.
And we'd be buying him Spider Man things & eating cake.
We'd listen to him & Trystan fight over who gets the next turn on whatever toy was the newest & coolest.
We'd watch them play together & wrestle & climb on each other and build forts in the living room out of blankets & whatever else they could get their hands on. And we'd get to watch him run through a sprinkler.
And he'd give us hugs. And big wet Riley kisses. And he would have gotten to meet "Nana's baby."

So, all morning I've tried very very very hard to just be happy. To just think about how lucky I am to have gotten even one of those hugs or big wet Riley kisses. And how I can tell the whole world about him, but I am one of the few who got to know him, and hold him, and smell his sweaty little head after playing all day.

But typing this...just makes me cry. And makes me angry, when I know that I shouldn't be. I know that life isn't fair. And, God never promised that it would be.

So, in closing of my Riley post...always, always, always lock your cars. Don't underestimate the strength & determination of toddlers...they're inquisitive & mischevious, and we love them for it...or in spite of it (depending on the situation)...& when your kids get older---educate them about the dangers of kids in cars. Tell them to get an adult if they see someone locked in a car.

And say a prayer for my family today because we all miss Riley so much! And I know that today will be particularly hard for Tiffany & James.