Life Is Just So Daily

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Unpregnant. (Maybe too graphic for some)

We had the D&C this morning.
Last night was rough.

I'll be fine for a while, and then just cry for a while.
And for some reason....I was tired last night, but just didn't want to go to sleep. When I finally got in bed....I just cried. For I don't know how long.
Maybe my thoughts are morbid & weird, and not normal...but I don't know. I just kept thinking, this is it; this is the last night with my "new baby". I will never hold this baby anymore. Tomorrow this baby will be taken out of me, and it will be gone. It will become something that just happened once.

And my family & friends call & that's wonderful. But for some reason, I just haven't wanted to talk. I just want to sleep off & on, cry off & on, and think about other stuff off & on. So, for all of my family & friends reading this---I'm sorry. I just don't know what to say or do. And, it's like when someone dies---when new people show up at the funeral home, or at the house, the crying starts over. It's crying with new people. It's a weird little pattern....but it happens. My sister-in-law & her husband came over yesterday afternoon when we got the news....we were in the living room...I hadn't cried in at least an hour, but they get here to drop off some dinner for us, and suddenly the crying starts again. Just crying with new people.

Today. woke up. had to get Gage out to the Mother in law's...so, my mom volunteered for that.
I brushed my teeth right before we left the house. Started puking. Was it the hormonal imbalance/morning sickness? Was it nerves? Was it all of it? I dunno.
Then we left for the dr, and Mom was going to meet us there after taking Gage out to Rockwall.

Got there early (that's a first...)
Had the procedure done in the surgical suite of the OB's office. (How awesome is that? They have a surgical suite that is just for their practice...it's very nice, and you don't have to check into the surgical unit of the hospital & do all of that hospital paperwork & just deal with all that crap.)
Everyone at Dr.B's office was sooooooooooo nice, and wonderful, and respectful and supportive. I mean, yesterday we got the news in the sonographer's room....and I just KNEW she was going to keep her mouth shut & not tell us a thing & make me wait to meet with Dr.B. She did not. She was honest, and understanding, and straightforward about the results. Within seconds of me changing clothes, we were taken to Dr.B's office at the end of the hall (a place where nobody gets good news...being in his personal office @ his office just sucks). We were in there for all of a minute before he came in & met with us....after that, his nurse hugged me in the hall & told me how sorry she was & how excited she knew we were....We set up the surgery...Kacie at the front desk said she'll just bill my insurance, and whatever portion or office copays we owe, she'll let us know by mail...told us not to worry about all of that today. (how often does that happen nowadays???) Anyway...they were all just soooo understanding. Or....I was an ugly--been-crying-for-a-while mess that they didn't want to deal with for long, and damn sure didn't want their other patients seeing! Whatever the case...they were super. And, in such a just horrible situation, they could not have been any better to me.

Anyway...today, I had this D&C. Under the influence of drugs, I'm sure I said this...but this is how I felt....I felt like I was having an abortion that I didn't want to have. Perhaps, in a way I was. The procedure suite is cold, but very nice. Well...that describes the waiting area & recovery area. The procedure room itself is....just as I imagined an abortion clinic. Freaky ass stirrups that look like they could each support the weight of a Buick. Now luckily....the anesthesiologist knocks you out, and you are asleep before your legs ever go up, and when you wake up---you're in the recovery area. It's bizarre. I'd love to believe that my legs were never placed in those god-awful things....but, if I can't have that, at least I have no memory of the events. When the procedure begins...you walk into this room, and lay down on this freaky ass stirrup table, and the anesthesiologist begins. His IV placement was AWESOME compared to every single IV I've ever had ever. And then come the drugs. It was kind of weird because here are the people in the room: me, the nurse, Dr.B, & Dr.G (anesthesiologist). Obviously Dr.G is busy doing my IV & giving me drugs. The rest of us were just kind of there, waiting for me to fall asleep, making small talk. The small talk was led by me....of course. And, I have no idea when I fell asleep.

I barely remember waking up.
Apparently everything went very well, according to Dr.B. No problems, no complications. Just perfect. Mom said that the whole time I was in there, she & Damon just sat in the waiting room & cried.

I had to get a Rhogam shot.
I am now a G2P1. That's medical terminology for 2 pregnancies, one living child.
G2P1. That's weird.

There was nothing to see. I, of course, just HAD to see. Morbid curiosity? Maybe. I just needed it. So, the nurse took me & showed me the "products of conception" from my D&C. Products of conception. It was basically my pregnancy in a jug. In a canister. In a plastic medical container...there were all my products of conception. The baby was somewhere in there, too small to be identified among all of the endometrial lining where my body was preparing a place for the baby to grow.
Did I see a baby? No. Somehow...not seeing a baby helped me...I think.
So, what happens now? The canister is taken to pathology & examined...and then incinerated with medical waste....which, if I had seen a baby AT ALL would not have happened. If I had seen any tiny little little being, we'd have had the remains cremated...just because I would have wanted that. But...not in this case. It was just too tiny to find.

And, I'm sorry if all of this is too graphic to read. Don't read it.
But, it's my world right now.

So...last night/yesterday before all of the events of today...I knew that I wouldn't be able to lift Gage for a few days, and I wanted to take him to do something fun. So, we went to Chuck E. Cheese pizza. The pizza was actually better this time than it was the last time we went. And oh, the fun Gage had. Just so everyone knows: 4pm is a weird time to eat, but it's a great time to go to Chuck E. Cheese because it is NOT crowded. Before, we went on Friday or Saturday night. Won't do that again if I can help it.
Anyway...I think he had a great time. He was so upset when it was time to leave. He just wanted to stay.


So... that post chronicles events over the past couple of days. Certainly it is not in chronological order of the activities...but, I'm on pain meds & not particularly clear right now.

I'm just very....unpregnant.

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28 Comments:

At 2:39 PM , Blogger Misguided Mommy said...

not graphic, interesting. you answered so many of the questions i was afraid to ask. i'm thinking of you.

 
At 3:26 PM , Blogger Stephanie said...

Very interesting and not graphic at all. I think if I were in your position I would have wanted to see too. I am sorry for all you and your family is going through.

 
At 3:32 PM , Blogger Mimi said...

I cant begin to tell you how your post has affected me, I was just going along my usual routine of looking at crafty blogs and then I rand across yours. The title of the post Unpregnant caught me so I started to read and then I became sad for you and felt kinda like crying, I just had my sixth and final son 9 weeks ago and Icant imagine having lost any of them, im sorry and I hope you will feel better soon. All babies go to heaven, take care and I will think of you.

Mimi
www.domestichaven.wordpress.com

 
At 3:32 PM , Blogger Misguided Mommy said...

yup totally still on bed rest. i'm wearing jammie pants and a relaxed shirt. believe it or not i considered this dressed up for dropping off my son. i'll find out tomorrow if i'm off bed rest. still wont dress any nicer

 
At 4:07 PM , Blogger Kate said...

Thank you for sharing all of that. It wasn't too graphic and I think it will help others who unfortunately have to go through something similar.

You and your family remain in my prayers.

 
At 4:24 PM , Blogger Jeninacide said...

Sniff sniff... snuffle.. sniff... waaaaaaahhh... Oh you so made me cry! Geeze I just read you a few days ago and I guess I can miss a LOT in a couple of days...

I feel for you, I really do!... I am so tearing up here at work in my stupid stained pants.. Hang in there. Oh and for the love of gob have a glass of wine or two for the both of us, will ya??

Hugs!! OOOOOOOOOOOOO

 
At 4:31 PM , Blogger Beenzzz said...

I am so deeply sorry this happened. I think you are very brave. I wish you all the best and hang in there, ok.

 
At 4:59 PM , Blogger Alissa said...

I'm glad you shared. But I'm sorry you had this story to share. Feel better. ((hugs))

 
At 5:02 PM , Blogger Pokey Puppy said...

You know what.. if its to graphic for anyone then can turn away and not look. I think it is GREAT that you are using this blog. Its a great form of therapy. And everyhting you are feeling EVERYTHING you are feeling and everything you are saying is COMPLETLY normal....

Try to keep busy.. it will help.. for now.... it will never go away.. the pain and the memory will always be there. but i promise.. it will get easier to deal with.

 
At 5:12 PM , Blogger Judy said...

Hang in there, girl. Hug Gage tight and enjoy him a little more.

Been thinking of you.

 
At 5:27 PM , Blogger S said...

I'm very sorry for you loss. Thinking of you and hope you feel better soon.

 
At 5:42 PM , Blogger Beth said...

Oh, sweetie, I feel so badly for you. Crying is good - it's normal. You need to grieve.
I'm glad you shared your story - I hope doing so helped just a little bit.
Still thinking of you - take care.

 
At 6:08 PM , Blogger Pregnantly Plump said...

I am so sorry. There are no other words that I know to type. It's awful that you and your family have to go through this. You are in my prayers.

 
At 6:09 PM , Blogger shoeaddict said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I don't think it's weird that you had to look. I had a miscarriage (2 actually) at home and I kept looking for "something". I know that may sound weird. I didn't want to just flush, I dont know...
I'm glad you're blogging and glad you have Gage to love and family who love you.

I'm praying for you

 
At 6:27 PM , Blogger Gigi said...

just remember it's okay to be sad and to feel...the pain eases up in time...i hate that saying so much...time heals all wounds....but it does. I wish i thought to have asked to see the aftermath of it all when i had my d&c....i'm wondering if it would have started the process sooner for me...but that baby will always always live on in my heart as will yours...one year to the day that i had my d&c i had my 3rd son...time.

 
At 7:47 PM , Blogger Bonnie said...

Such a good description, whether you are on pain meds or not. I've been through it twice and it's just like a punch in the stomach emotionally.

You rest up. We're all sending you electronic hugs :)

 
At 5:15 AM , Blogger zirelda said...

(((((you)))))

 
At 5:27 AM , Blogger Patty said...

My dear friend, I was thinking of you all day yesterday and hoping and praying that you were ok. I think you are truly amazing! In all you are going through I was touched that you shared how you met your husband on my post from the other day. XOXO - Patty

 
At 5:36 AM , Blogger ~JJ! said...

No sweetie. I'm so sorry.

I wish I could hug you right now.

Please rest and get better.

(((((hugs))))

 
At 6:00 AM , Blogger Christy said...

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story.

 
At 9:24 AM , Blogger Jenster said...

I'm so very sorry. I haven't been able to blog hop and this was the first I heard about what was going on.

I haven't been through this, but I imagine I would feel and think everything you described. Thank you for putting your feelings into words so the rest of us can have a small idea of what you're going through.

Rest and grieve and do whatever it is you need to do.

Much love to you and your family.

 
At 9:58 AM , Blogger Papa Bradstein said...

Now's not the time to worry about being too graphic or too this or too that. Now's the time to be you, and not worry about what other people want or expect. Your post showed your compassion and love for everyone around you--your mom, Damon, Gage, your baby--which is one of the many reasons we all love you and are here for you (along with your love of all things 80's). We can't do much from here, but we will listen to (OK--read) whatever it is that you want to say. And we're keeping you in our thoughts, sending warm thoughts your way.

 
At 12:08 PM , Blogger Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

I hope that blogging about it was helpful to you. I'm glad you have a good support system (including your health providers!!), but I know you still hurt. Take care.

 
At 2:39 PM , Blogger Reid said...

Oh, Laney--I'm so sorry, I'm crying for you. I was out of town for the last week and just picked up on your recent posts. What a whirlwind. Wishing you peace and so thankful you have little Gage.

 
At 8:55 PM , Blogger CBM said...

It is remarkable to me how similar your feelings have been to the ones I felt last July when we went through this the first time. Right down to taking Gage to Chuck E. Cheese. I had a coupon in hand and was ready to walk out the door when the plan changed, but all I wanted to do was get lost in the fun of my two-year-old.

I, too, cried myself to sleep the night before my surgery, knowing it was the last night I would have with my child.

I, too, insisted on seeing the "products of conception" in the plastic container. I just had to know what was taken from me.

I, too, didn't want to talk about it much, especially when talking to a new person made the feelings flood to the surface again and again, and I was all cried out.

And as you may recall, part of my grieving process was writing it all out on my blog too (last July and last November, if it would help you at all to read again). I think that is a very healthy thing to do. Don't concern yourself with your readers. Just do what you need to do to get through the hardest part.

And allow yourself the freedom to grieve whenever it strikes you again. And that may be at odd times throughout the coming year(s?). I never expected to feel so sad on the anniv. of my D&C last week, when I'm finally having a healthy pregnancy, but I mourned all over again that day. They are our children, right from the beginning. And it's okay to love them, even if they were only the size of a lima bean or whatever.

It's so easy to say the wrong thing. I hope I haven't. Please know that I'm praying for your healing, in every way.

 
At 1:54 PM , Blogger Denver Dad said...

I decided to spend today getting caught up and found this news. I'm so very sorry for you and your family. It's a horrible, terrible thing to go through and I hope you're all able to find some sort of peace as you deal with the aftermath of this all.

My thoughts are definitely with you.

Take care.

 
At 7:30 AM , Anonymous Much More Than A Mom said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, and I thank you for sharing those details that so many women wonder about.

 
At 11:19 PM , Blogger Home - Check said...

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