Unpregnant. (Maybe too graphic for some)

We had the D&C this morning.
Last night was rough.

I'll be fine for a while, and then just cry for a while.
And for some reason....I was tired last night, but just didn't want to go to sleep. When I finally got in bed....I just cried. For I don't know how long.
Maybe my thoughts are morbid & weird, and not normal...but I don't know. I just kept thinking, this is it; this is the last night with my "new baby". I will never hold this baby anymore. Tomorrow this baby will be taken out of me, and it will be gone. It will become something that just happened once.

And my family & friends call & that's wonderful. But for some reason, I just haven't wanted to talk. I just want to sleep off & on, cry off & on, and think about other stuff off & on. So, for all of my family & friends reading this---I'm sorry. I just don't know what to say or do. And, it's like when someone dies---when new people show up at the funeral home, or at the house, the crying starts over. It's crying with new people. It's a weird little pattern....but it happens. My sister-in-law & her husband came over yesterday afternoon when we got the news....we were in the living room...I hadn't cried in at least an hour, but they get here to drop off some dinner for us, and suddenly the crying starts again. Just crying with new people.

Today. woke up. had to get Gage out to the Mother in law's...so, my mom volunteered for that.
I brushed my teeth right before we left the house. Started puking. Was it the hormonal imbalance/morning sickness? Was it nerves? Was it all of it? I dunno.
Then we left for the dr, and Mom was going to meet us there after taking Gage out to Rockwall.

Got there early (that's a first...)
Had the procedure done in the surgical suite of the OB's office. (How awesome is that? They have a surgical suite that is just for their practice...it's very nice, and you don't have to check into the surgical unit of the hospital & do all of that hospital paperwork & just deal with all that crap.)
Everyone at Dr.B's office was sooooooooooo nice, and wonderful, and respectful and supportive. I mean, yesterday we got the news in the sonographer's room....and I just KNEW she was going to keep her mouth shut & not tell us a thing & make me wait to meet with Dr.B. She did not. She was honest, and understanding, and straightforward about the results. Within seconds of me changing clothes, we were taken to Dr.B's office at the end of the hall (a place where nobody gets good news...being in his personal office @ his office just sucks). We were in there for all of a minute before he came in & met with us....after that, his nurse hugged me in the hall & told me how sorry she was & how excited she knew we were....We set up the surgery...Kacie at the front desk said she'll just bill my insurance, and whatever portion or office copays we owe, she'll let us know by mail...told us not to worry about all of that today. (how often does that happen nowadays???) Anyway...they were all just soooo understanding. Or....I was an ugly--been-crying-for-a-while mess that they didn't want to deal with for long, and damn sure didn't want their other patients seeing! Whatever the case...they were super. And, in such a just horrible situation, they could not have been any better to me.

Anyway...today, I had this D&C. Under the influence of drugs, I'm sure I said this...but this is how I felt....I felt like I was having an abortion that I didn't want to have. Perhaps, in a way I was. The procedure suite is cold, but very nice. Well...that describes the waiting area & recovery area. The procedure room itself is....just as I imagined an abortion clinic. Freaky ass stirrups that look like they could each support the weight of a Buick. Now luckily....the anesthesiologist knocks you out, and you are asleep before your legs ever go up, and when you wake up---you're in the recovery area. It's bizarre. I'd love to believe that my legs were never placed in those god-awful things....but, if I can't have that, at least I have no memory of the events. When the procedure begins...you walk into this room, and lay down on this freaky ass stirrup table, and the anesthesiologist begins. His IV placement was AWESOME compared to every single IV I've ever had ever. And then come the drugs. It was kind of weird because here are the people in the room: me, the nurse, Dr.B, & Dr.G (anesthesiologist). Obviously Dr.G is busy doing my IV & giving me drugs. The rest of us were just kind of there, waiting for me to fall asleep, making small talk. The small talk was led by me....of course. And, I have no idea when I fell asleep.

I barely remember waking up.
Apparently everything went very well, according to Dr.B. No problems, no complications. Just perfect. Mom said that the whole time I was in there, she & Damon just sat in the waiting room & cried.

I had to get a Rhogam shot.
I am now a G2P1. That's medical terminology for 2 pregnancies, one living child.
G2P1. That's weird.

There was nothing to see. I, of course, just HAD to see. Morbid curiosity? Maybe. I just needed it. So, the nurse took me & showed me the "products of conception" from my D&C. Products of conception. It was basically my pregnancy in a jug. In a canister. In a plastic medical container...there were all my products of conception. The baby was somewhere in there, too small to be identified among all of the endometrial lining where my body was preparing a place for the baby to grow.
Did I see a baby? No. Somehow...not seeing a baby helped me...I think.
So, what happens now? The canister is taken to pathology & examined...and then incinerated with medical waste....which, if I had seen a baby AT ALL would not have happened. If I had seen any tiny little little being, we'd have had the remains cremated...just because I would have wanted that. But...not in this case. It was just too tiny to find.

And, I'm sorry if all of this is too graphic to read. Don't read it.
But, it's my world right now.

So...last night/yesterday before all of the events of today...I knew that I wouldn't be able to lift Gage for a few days, and I wanted to take him to do something fun. So, we went to Chuck E. Cheese pizza. The pizza was actually better this time than it was the last time we went. And oh, the fun Gage had. Just so everyone knows: 4pm is a weird time to eat, but it's a great time to go to Chuck E. Cheese because it is NOT crowded. Before, we went on Friday or Saturday night. Won't do that again if I can help it.
Anyway...I think he had a great time. He was so upset when it was time to leave. He just wanted to stay.


So... that post chronicles events over the past couple of days. Certainly it is not in chronological order of the activities...but, I'm on pain meds & not particularly clear right now.

I'm just very....unpregnant.