Life Is Just So Daily

Friday, July 24, 2009

Two Years.



It's hard to believe that two years ago today, we found out that our unexpected, pleasant surprise baby was not going to be. It's amazing how much you can fall in love with someone in such a short amount of time. How you can fill your heart and mind with hopes & dreams for a little one, and then it's just...not going to be.
Some days, I think about how old she'd be right now (yes, I've convinced myself that Masyn is a girl. It's hard to explain why I think that way---it's just a feeling that I've had the whole time.) I imagine how different my life would be right now with two children instead of one.

But, it's been two years now. Two WHOLE years. And I can hardly wrap my brain around it. Two years ago, I cried my eyes out at Dr.B's office. I knew she was gone before the sonographer ever opened her mouth. She just had this "I'm sorry" look in her eyes, and then she told us. And the wave of disappointment and sadness that just seemed to start from the center of my body took over.

My mom came into town the night before because we were called in by the OB's office. She spent the night so she could go with us to the appointment first thing in the morning. I wanted to believe that I didn't need her---that everything would be okay, false alarms, and all that. In the end---she was right. She knew I'd need her. She was so right.

I cried until I was cried out. My baby was dead, but my body was still pregnant, and I was starving. So, we went to lunch, and thought about what to do with the day ahead of us. We talked about going to the movies, but the only thing out at the time that I had even been remotely interested in seeing was "Knocked Up," and just the thought of going to that movie brought the tears back.

We spent the day crying off & on because that's how it goes, right?

And then two years ago tonight,I cried myself to sleep knowing that it would be my last night to spend with Masyn tucked away inside me. We already knew that she was no longer alive, but it was my last night to have her there---with me---in me. I just cried my little eyes out while my husband held me. And there was nothing he could do to change the situation. We felt sad & helpless.

And now it's been 2 years.
It's hard to believe.

Masyn, I miss you. I miss everything we lost when we lost you. I missed your laugh. I missed your smile. Your fingers patting my mouth or twiddling my hair as you nursed. Your eye color, your hair color, your temperament. I missed it all.
But---I got to be your Mommy. Of all the women in the world, I got to be your Mommy, even if it was only for a very little while. I hardly knew you were there, and then you were gone. I didn't get to appreciate it the way I wanted to, and then it was over. And I'm sorry.

Now, if nothing else, I have faith that there is a plan for us as a family.
God has a plan for us. I'm not yet sure what it is---but I have faith that there is a plan. And maybe the family he planned for us is this: A mommy, a daddy, a son, and an angel. No more, no less. I don't know yet, but that may be his plan. And some day I hope to find peace with whatever plan he has for us.

"I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…"
~Glory Baby by WaterMark

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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

For Alissa...

Alissa asked to see pics from our maternity session....way back when....Summer 2005, when I was 25 weeks pregnant with Gage....







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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Unpregnant. (Maybe too graphic for some)

We had the D&C this morning.
Last night was rough.

I'll be fine for a while, and then just cry for a while.
And for some reason....I was tired last night, but just didn't want to go to sleep. When I finally got in bed....I just cried. For I don't know how long.
Maybe my thoughts are morbid & weird, and not normal...but I don't know. I just kept thinking, this is it; this is the last night with my "new baby". I will never hold this baby anymore. Tomorrow this baby will be taken out of me, and it will be gone. It will become something that just happened once.

And my family & friends call & that's wonderful. But for some reason, I just haven't wanted to talk. I just want to sleep off & on, cry off & on, and think about other stuff off & on. So, for all of my family & friends reading this---I'm sorry. I just don't know what to say or do. And, it's like when someone dies---when new people show up at the funeral home, or at the house, the crying starts over. It's crying with new people. It's a weird little pattern....but it happens. My sister-in-law & her husband came over yesterday afternoon when we got the news....we were in the living room...I hadn't cried in at least an hour, but they get here to drop off some dinner for us, and suddenly the crying starts again. Just crying with new people.

Today. woke up. had to get Gage out to the Mother in law's...so, my mom volunteered for that.
I brushed my teeth right before we left the house. Started puking. Was it the hormonal imbalance/morning sickness? Was it nerves? Was it all of it? I dunno.
Then we left for the dr, and Mom was going to meet us there after taking Gage out to Rockwall.

Got there early (that's a first...)
Had the procedure done in the surgical suite of the OB's office. (How awesome is that? They have a surgical suite that is just for their practice...it's very nice, and you don't have to check into the surgical unit of the hospital & do all of that hospital paperwork & just deal with all that crap.)
Everyone at Dr.B's office was sooooooooooo nice, and wonderful, and respectful and supportive. I mean, yesterday we got the news in the sonographer's room....and I just KNEW she was going to keep her mouth shut & not tell us a thing & make me wait to meet with Dr.B. She did not. She was honest, and understanding, and straightforward about the results. Within seconds of me changing clothes, we were taken to Dr.B's office at the end of the hall (a place where nobody gets good news...being in his personal office @ his office just sucks). We were in there for all of a minute before he came in & met with us....after that, his nurse hugged me in the hall & told me how sorry she was & how excited she knew we were....We set up the surgery...Kacie at the front desk said she'll just bill my insurance, and whatever portion or office copays we owe, she'll let us know by mail...told us not to worry about all of that today. (how often does that happen nowadays???) Anyway...they were all just soooo understanding. Or....I was an ugly--been-crying-for-a-while mess that they didn't want to deal with for long, and damn sure didn't want their other patients seeing! Whatever the case...they were super. And, in such a just horrible situation, they could not have been any better to me.

Anyway...today, I had this D&C. Under the influence of drugs, I'm sure I said this...but this is how I felt....I felt like I was having an abortion that I didn't want to have. Perhaps, in a way I was. The procedure suite is cold, but very nice. Well...that describes the waiting area & recovery area. The procedure room itself is....just as I imagined an abortion clinic. Freaky ass stirrups that look like they could each support the weight of a Buick. Now luckily....the anesthesiologist knocks you out, and you are asleep before your legs ever go up, and when you wake up---you're in the recovery area. It's bizarre. I'd love to believe that my legs were never placed in those god-awful things....but, if I can't have that, at least I have no memory of the events. When the procedure begins...you walk into this room, and lay down on this freaky ass stirrup table, and the anesthesiologist begins. His IV placement was AWESOME compared to every single IV I've ever had ever. And then come the drugs. It was kind of weird because here are the people in the room: me, the nurse, Dr.B, & Dr.G (anesthesiologist). Obviously Dr.G is busy doing my IV & giving me drugs. The rest of us were just kind of there, waiting for me to fall asleep, making small talk. The small talk was led by me....of course. And, I have no idea when I fell asleep.

I barely remember waking up.
Apparently everything went very well, according to Dr.B. No problems, no complications. Just perfect. Mom said that the whole time I was in there, she & Damon just sat in the waiting room & cried.

I had to get a Rhogam shot.
I am now a G2P1. That's medical terminology for 2 pregnancies, one living child.
G2P1. That's weird.

There was nothing to see. I, of course, just HAD to see. Morbid curiosity? Maybe. I just needed it. So, the nurse took me & showed me the "products of conception" from my D&C. Products of conception. It was basically my pregnancy in a jug. In a canister. In a plastic medical container...there were all my products of conception. The baby was somewhere in there, too small to be identified among all of the endometrial lining where my body was preparing a place for the baby to grow.
Did I see a baby? No. Somehow...not seeing a baby helped me...I think.
So, what happens now? The canister is taken to pathology & examined...and then incinerated with medical waste....which, if I had seen a baby AT ALL would not have happened. If I had seen any tiny little little being, we'd have had the remains cremated...just because I would have wanted that. But...not in this case. It was just too tiny to find.

And, I'm sorry if all of this is too graphic to read. Don't read it.
But, it's my world right now.

So...last night/yesterday before all of the events of today...I knew that I wouldn't be able to lift Gage for a few days, and I wanted to take him to do something fun. So, we went to Chuck E. Cheese pizza. The pizza was actually better this time than it was the last time we went. And oh, the fun Gage had. Just so everyone knows: 4pm is a weird time to eat, but it's a great time to go to Chuck E. Cheese because it is NOT crowded. Before, we went on Friday or Saturday night. Won't do that again if I can help it.
Anyway...I think he had a great time. He was so upset when it was time to leave. He just wanted to stay.


So... that post chronicles events over the past couple of days. Certainly it is not in chronological order of the activities...but, I'm on pain meds & not particularly clear right now.

I'm just very....unpregnant.

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Sad News.

We lost the baby.
The sonogram today did not go well. Dr. B thinks that the baby probably died before I ever even knew that I was pregnant. I was probably between 8 & 10 weeks, but my uterine growth was retarded to 7w1d. Dr.B says that in cases like this, it is most likely severe chromosomal defects that cause the malformation or sudden stop in formation of the embryo/fetus. But, your body is still technically pregnant, since there was the initial union of the sperm & egg into an embryo...so you still get all of the symptoms of pregnancy, but you get no baby to carry to term, to take home, etc.

We'll have a D&C tomorrow.

Thanks for all of the well wishes & support.

We're just sad. It's been a whirlwind of unexpected joy & now heartache.

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Monday, July 23, 2007

Problems....Sono tomorrow.

Well....I'm pretty much all cried out.
The dr's office called.
My beta has not doubled in the 48 hour period. apparently, they usually "at least double" in 48 hours. My test was a period of 47 hours, and it went from 39,000 to just over 47,000. My progesterone level is apparently "not high enough to maintain a pregnancy." They want to see me "first thing in the morning, to see if the baby has a heartbeat, and is growing in the right place. Dr.B is just concerned" (to quote Kim, the nurse today).

So....there's that.
It's just amazing to me that I found out about the existence of this baby 1 week ago. One week. I've been so excited & in love for one week. Is there a baby? Is there something wrong with the baby? Did I cause this b/c I didn't know I was pregnant? It's just....awful feeling.

On the flip side: what if we get there & the baby looks great. Can I take progesterone (shots, pills, patches, whatever...hand 'em over & I'll take 'em!) Or should I? Is this nature's way of telling me, "not this one....something's wrong." ?????

Does my baby have a heartbeat? Did it ever?

I just feel hot & cold & nauseated & horrible.
And, of course I've been sooooo excited, so I've told everyone & their mom about my new baby. I've been looking at maternity clothes & strollers, and we went out & bought some new non-gender-specific baby clothes.

So....just pray for my baby, and pray that no matter what is to be, that we are all able to find peace about this.
We're just scared.

Damon will be with me at the appt. in the morning, but he's got people coming in from out of state to meet with him about a project. Considering the fact that they are already in route, it's not like he can reschedule. So, since he probably won't be able to stay the whole time, my mom is coming up too.

Will it be horrible news?
Will it be be fine news: you have a baby, it has a heartbeat, it's in the right place, & your hormones are just funy. Here take the pills, y'all will all be fine.
I don't know what will happen. Like I said...we're just scared.

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Call Me Already......

SHEEEEEEEEEEESH.

Let's see...Friday's Beta was to be reported today & I can't wait for the OB's office to call.

So...I called them. Left a message at 10:30.

It's almost noon....and still no word yet.


Enquiring Minds Want to Know!
I wanna know!

Call Me Already!

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Sunday, July 22, 2007

It's a girl!

...I think!

(okay, to my Mom: I am sorry. I know the blog post title must have had you sooooo excited. But, hear me out---I have almost convinced myself that this is a girl.)

Morning sickness: Each day is 24 hours long, right? Let's subtract 8 hours for sleeping. That leaves 16 hours for awake time. So, I'm nauseated for about 15 of those hours all day every day. This has been going on for a few days now. I remember Dr.Brough saying that morning sickness peaks at 8-10 weeks, so I think I may be in that little time frame...or, it's a girl. Why do I think that? Because I don't EVER remember being this queasy all day every day when I was pregnant with Gage.

Pre-PG Weight: 112. pounds
Pre-queasiness weight: 115. pounds
Today's weight, after queasy for days & not wanting to eat hardly anything: 113.8 pounds.

What else makes me think it's a girl??? Well, they say if you are pregnant with a boy then you are radiant & glow. If you are pregnant with a girl then you...well, you don't look so hot because the baby girl steals all of your beauty. Well, I don't feel well, and I look gross, and this baby is stealing my beauty & my hair! (1) Found another spot (we knew that would happen since I cut my hair short...it was bound to happen...), & (2) I've been shedding like crazy. I had great hair when I was pregnant with Gage. It followed the classic "you shed less when you're pregnant" pattern. Not this time.

So...I'm 99% convinced that it's a girl!
...or, it's just that every pregnancy is different, and I am taking the differences & assuming that it means I am carrying a different gender child than my last pregnancy...

....hmmmm....only time will tell.

The good news: now that I've chopped my hair off, it won't get in my way when I'm puking my guts up.
Always nice to look on the bright side, right?

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Saturday, July 21, 2007

Warning: The Following Images May Be Disturbing.

What the hell happened to maternity clothes since the last time I was pregnant?

I mean, I remember finding some decent looking stuff....
and I remember living in tank tops (I was hot all the time!)....

Anyway...while looking online, I found the following:


So...for that special occassion....is the baby the gift? are you the gift? I'm waaaaay confused. I'd never wear a bow that big on any part of my body.

And then there's this:

Hypnosis central.
That top is hideous.

But hey...at least the underwear are attractive...

Damon & I call undies like these "grill covers."

Why? Well....little story there.
Way back when I was pregnant the first time...I had some Old Navy low rise maternity undies & t-backs....etc. They were fine. But they weren't just super-comfortable-hang-around-the-house kind of comfy. So, we're at WalMart one day, and I tell himt hat I just want to breeze through the undies section & get a package of Hanes or Fruit of the Loom---regular cotton panties, in a size bigger than my normal size. Well, being the big helper that he is, flags down the nearest person in a blue vest for assistance. She then takes us to the maternity underwear section & shows us our choice between...maybe 2 or 3 different packages. Thought #1: you can't see the panties, b/c they are in a package...pick at random & hope for the best, #2: how long has it been since I bought my damn underwear in a package? Sheeeeesh. Years. Years. So, we grab a pack of maternity, and a pack of larger-than-my-normal-size Hanes & head to the house.
GEEEEEEEEZ LOUISE. When I got those maternity undies out...they were big enough to cover the damn grill. They were HUGE.
Man, we laughed...and laughed.... called 'em "grill covers."

And then....as I kept getting BIGGER & BIGGER.... suddenly those grill covers started to fit.
And then...they became the only undies that fit. (No, not really...but they did become the most comfy of all the panties I owned at the time!)

Oh...good times with the grill covers....

Hope I made ya laugh.
:)

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Friday, July 20, 2007

Newest News......

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

BECAUSE....I AM....



We found out 7/16/7 when I got home from work.

Had a beta drawn 7/18 & again today.
7/18's beta was 39,000
I don't know today's results yet.
So...the OB Coordinator at the OB/Gyn's office says that she will call me on Monday or Tuesday to let me know just how pregnant they think I am.
Needless to say, we weren't marking any calendars....

:)
So, we expect Baby #2 sometime in the Spring...

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Friday, September 22, 2006

One year ago...

One year ago today, I was going to the hospital to have my son.

I would never return home the same.
I would never ever be the same!

Here's my post from a year ago telling Gage's birth story....



On Thursday, 9/22/5, I was scheduled to go into the hospital for my induction. I was told to call L&D first to make sure they were still able to induce me that day. Damon called around 7, as we were supposed to go in at 8. They said that I had to be delayed, and that they could take me at 9.

So, we leave the house to head to the hospital...oh, about 8:30 in the morning. As we are backing out of the driveway--it seems to hit Damon that we wont be returning to our home as 2 people ever again...when we come back, there will be a 3rd person with us!!! We'll be parents!!! As he was verbalizing all this to me--you could see the little beads of sweat developing on his forehead. Damon FINALLY had his little "overwhelmed" moment. Lord knows I had a few throughout the whole pregnancy...

So, we hop on the highway heading to the hospital. Damon was so excited that he was on the phone nonstop with various people. I tried a couple of times to suggest that we not take the highway, but he was quite occupied on the phone. Well...the highways were packed with all of the Gulf-coast people fleeing Hurricane Rita. (Hello...45 turns into 75, and the hospital is off 75....) So, there we were...running late.

Finally, we get to the hospital. Some of Damon's family was there. (His sister, Kim, even beat us to the hospital!...obviously she didnt take 75...) After the necessary paperwork they took me back to my laboring room & got me started. As it turned out, I was actually contracting on my own--every 5-7 minutes. They didnt hurt. And,I guess I had just gotten used to the slight discomfort, b/c I didnt realize anything was out of the norm...

First IV infiltrated. Thought I was going to die.
2nd one was better...and they got the pitocin going.

I was there laboring for over 15 hours. They kept increasing the amount of pitocin...I never dilated past a 3. Finally, around 1 in the morning, the doctor came in & broke my water. Oh my...that's a lot of "water"! So, from that point, there was no turning back!!!

Before that---we were so afraid that they were going to send me home as a "failed induction" since I wasnt making any progress. At 1 in the morning, the doctor explained that was an option, or we could just break the water & get on with things.

So...the doctor came back at 3 in the morning. I was STILL only dilated to a 3. Gage was showing no signs of distress, but I was not progressing at all. Dr.B said that it looked like I wasnt dilating because Gage's head wasnt properly engaged in my pelvis, possibly because his head was just too large for my pelvis. So, a c-section was our safest option then.

Got my epidural...Damon got his scrubs to wear. By this point---Megan, Susan, Damon's Mom & Dad, & My mom were still there. My sister & brother in law had to leave, and Damon's sister had to leave. (who can blame them??? it was 3 in the morning!!!)

The epidural....well, it didnt take so easily on my left side. Apparently it was leaking out all over the bed behind me. So, that had to be resolved. Going in, it didnt hurt as much as I thought it would...but it made a sound...it was just a weird gross sound... But then, boom--it was over & the epidural was in! Easy. Anyway...before going into the OR, they had to keep giving me more & more medicine to get my left side numb. So, by the time they were wheeling me to the OR, I could barely feel my face! Everything just felt so heavy. But, as I was being wheeled by the nurse's station, I remember saying to all of the people there, "I'm going to have a baby now." They all said things like, "Congratulations" & "Good Luck" & they were all laughing & smiling at me. I'm sure I sounded half drunk!!!

So, we go into the OR...and there are nurses all around...my doctor's there...and they're counting things...and hooking me up to things...and asking me if I want to listen to music (I could barely feel my ears!...and besides, all I cared about hearing was my baby cry!) Then some other dr came in to assist. I'd never met him before. They put my arms flat out to my sides...I always thought they strapped them down, but Damon told me that my arms werent strapped down. It wouldnt have mattered anyway...I couldnt feel them!

So, they started prepping my lower tummy for the surgery. In the big light overhead, I could see what they were doing in the reflection. I was hoping that they would leave the light just like that so that I could watch the whole thing...they didnt. They put the big "tarp" up so that Damon & I couldnt watch. I guess it probably is too much for some people....

Then Damon came in....they said that I would feel pressure, but not pain...tugging or pulling but not cutting. No. I didnt feel anything. The next thing I know---Gage was here! The nurse took our camera & got pictures of his very first breath. He cried exactly 3 big wails, and then across the room--you could hear him sucking.

Dr.Brough said that Gage was trying to come out face up, and he had the cord wrapped around his neck. He said that it also looked like he never would have fit through my pelvis. So, my healthy little man never even showed any signs of distress through all of that! What a trooper!









Gage was born at 3:59 am on Friday, 9/23/05.
He weighed 7 lb 10.4 oz.
He was 19 3/4 inches long.

He was born on a Friday, my very favorite day of the week. Damon & I also got married on a Friday...

But anyway...back to his birth story!

Damon went w/ the nurses to watch Gage get cleaned up & weighed...and he came back over to me & I asked if he had any hair. I think I asked if it was dark too. Damon said he had a ton of dark hair. Well--I was picturing a big huge mop of black hair. No, he had medium-brown or even light brown fine baby hair. Not very much at all. To Damon, that was a lot of hair...



I remember Damon bringing Gage over to me to see him for the very first time. Gage was all swaddled up in blankets & had a hat on his head. It wasnt enough!!! I wanted him to be immediately unwrapped so that I could see his whole little body! I didnt ask for that though, b/c I knew Gage would get cold! But I tell you--I wasnt satisfied until I saw his whole little body...fingers, toes, tooshy...all of it!





After that...they must have stitched me up...& wheeled me back to my room...I barely remember that... I dont remember saying Goodbye to Dr.Brough...

During this time Damon went out to the waiting room to tell everyone the good news. I've seen this on the video camera, obviously..I wasnt there... You truly could not have peeled the smile off Damon's face. And, being that we're in the age of digital cameras, everyone got to see the pictures of Gage immediately. What a treat!

I remember being back in my L&D room, and they brought Gage into my room in an isolette (spelling???). He was near the foot of my bed. I still hadnt held him yet...and I was so nervous about my arms & hands being unsteady from the epidural. But, I just couldnt stand it, so either Damon or a nurse handed him to me, and I got to hold him for the very first time. It was wonderful. But, I was still nervous about my arms, so I only held him for a minute.



After that, Family came in & Megan & Susan...they all got to hold him.



I just enjoyed looking at him & watching him....

Shortly afterward, they took me upstairs to my postpartum room, and Gage to the nursery for his first bath, & tests, & let me rest.

I remember opening my eyes a little while later, and all I wanted to see was that sweet face a little more!



And even still...I never get tired of looking at him!!!



Now...it's a year later.
He's grown SSSSOOOOOO much.
He's looking more like a little boy everyday, instead of a baby....

9/23/6
Gage,
Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy.
Mommy loves you!

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Friday, October 07, 2005

Gage's birth story...

On Thursday, 9/22/5, I was scheduled to go into the hospital for my induction. I was told to call L&D first to make sure they were still able to induce me that day. Damon called around 7, as we were supposed to go in at 8. They said that I had to be delayed, and that they could take me at 9.

So, we leave the house to head to the hospital...oh, about 8:30 in the morning. As we are backing out of the driveway--it seems to hit Damon that we wont be returning to our home as 2 people ever again...when we come back, there will be a 3rd person with us!!! We'll be parents!!! As he was verbalizing all this to me--you could see the little beads of sweat developing on his forehead. Damon FINALLY had his little "overwhelmed" moment. Lord knows I had a few throughout the whole pregnancy...

So, we hop on the highway heading to the hospital. Damon was so excited that he was on the phone nonstop with various people. I tried a couple of times to suggest that we not take the highway, but he was quite occupied on the phone. Well...the highways were packed with all of the Gulf-coast people fleeing Hurricane Rita. (Hello...45 turns into 75, and the hospital is off 75....) So, there we were...running late.

Finally, we get to the hospital. Some of Damon's family was there. (His sister, Kim, even beat us to the hospital!...obviously she didnt take 75...) After the necessary paperwork they took me back to my laboring room & got me started. As it turned out, I was actually contracting on my own--every 5-7 minutes. They didnt hurt. And,I guess I had just gotten used to the slight discomfort, b/c I didnt realize anything was out of the norm...

First IV infiltrated. Thought I was going to die.
2nd one was better...and they got the pitocin going.

I was there laboring for 15 hours. They kept increasing the amount of pitocin...I never dilated past a 3. Finally, around 1 in the morning, the doctor came in & broke my water. Oh my...that's a lot of "water"! So, from that point, there was no turning back!!!

Before that---we were so afraid that they were going to send me home as a "failed induction" since I wasnt making any progress. At 1 in the morning, the doctor explained that was an option, or we could just break the water & get on with things.

So...the doctor came back at 3 in the morning. I was STILL only dilated to a 3. Gage was showing no signs of distress, but I was not progressing at all. Dr.Brough said that it looked like I wasnt dilating because Gage's head wasnt properly engaged in my pelvis, possibly because his head was just too large for my pelvis. So, a c-section was our safest option then.

Got my epidural...Damon got his scrubs to wear. By this point---Megan, Susan, Damon's Mom & Dad, & My mom were still there. My sister & brother in law had to leave, and Damon's sister had to leave. (who can blame them??? it was 3 in the morning!!!)

The epidural....well, it didnt take so easily on my left side. Apparently it was leaking out all over the bed behind me. So, that had to be resolved. Going in, it didnt hurt as much as I thought it would...but it made a sound...it was just a weird gross sound... But then, boom--it was over & the epidural was in! Easy. Anyway...before going into the OR, they had to keep giving me more & more medicine to get my left side numb. So, by the time they were wheeling me to the OR, I could barely feel my face! Everything just felt so heavy. But, as I was being wheeled by the nurse's station, I remember saying to all of the people there, "I'm going to have a baby now." They all said things like, "Congratulations" & "Good Luck" & they were all laughing & smiling at me. I'm sure I sounded half drunk!!!

So, we go into the OR...and there are nurses all around...my doctor's there...and they're counting things...and hooking me up to things...and asking me if I want to listen to music (I could barely feel my ears!...and besides, all I cared about hearing was my baby cry!) Then some other dr came in to assist. I'd never met him before. They put my arms flat out to my sides...I always thought they strapped them down, but Damon told me that my arms werent strapped down. It wouldnt have mattered anyway...I couldnt feel them!

So, they started prepping my lower tummy for the surgery. In the big light overhead, I could see what they were doing in the reflection. I was hoping that they would leave the light just like that so that I could watch the whole thing...they didnt. They put the big "tarp" up so that Damon & I couldnt watch. I guess it probably is too much for some people....

Then Damon came in....they said that I would feel pressure, but not pain...tugging or pulling but not cutting. No. I didnt feel anything. The next thing I know---Gage was here! The nurse took our camera & got pictures of his very first breath. He cried exactly 3 big wails, and then across the room--you could hear him sucking.

Dr.Brough said that Gage was trying to come out face up, and he had the cord wrapped around his neck. He said that it also looked like he never would have fit through my pelvis. So, my healthy little man never even showed any signs of distress through all of that! What a trooper!

Gage was born at 3:59 am on Friday, 9/23/05.
He weighed 7 lb 10.4 oz.
He was 19 3/4 inches long.

He was born on a Friday, my very favorite day of the week. Damon & I also got married on a Friday...

But anyway...back to his birth story!

Damon went w/ the nurses to watch Gage get cleaned up & weighed...and he came back over to me & I asked if he had any hair. I think I asked if it was dark too. Damon said he had a ton of dark hair. Well--I was picturing a big huge mop of black hair. No, he had medium-brown or even light brown fine baby hair. Not very much at all. To Damon, that was a lot of hair...

I remember Damon bringing Gage over to me to see him for the very first time. Gage was all swaddled up in blankets & had a hat on his head. It wasnt enough!!! I wanted him to be immediately unwrapped so that I could see his whole little body! I didnt ask for that though, b/c I knew Gage would get cold! But I tell you--I wasnt satisfied until I saw his whole little body...fingers, toes, tooshy...all of it!

After that...they must have stitched me up...& wheeled me back to my room...I barely remember that... I dont remember saying Goodbye to Dr.Brough...

During this time Damon went out to the waiting room to tell everyone the good news. I've seen this on the video camera, obviously..I wasnt there... You truly could not have peeled the smile off Damon's face. And, being that we're in the age of digital cameras, everyone got to see the pictures of Gage immediately. What a treat!

I remember being back in my L&D room, and they brought Gage into my room in an isolette (spelling???). He was near the foot of my bed. I still hadnt held him yet...and I was so nervous about my arms & hands being unsteady from the epidural. But, I just couldnt stand it, so either Damon or a nurse handed him to me, and I got to hold him for the very first time. It was wonderful. But, I was still nervous about my arms, so I only held him for a minute. After that, Family came in & Megan & Susan...they all got to hold him.

I just enjoyed looking at him & watching him....

Shortly afterward, they took me upstairs to my postpartum room, and Gage to the nursery for his first bath, & tests, & let me rest.

I remember opening my eyes a little while later, and all I wanted to see was that sweet face a little more!

And even still...I never get tired of looking at him!!!

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

In my 38th week now....

Well, I'm in my 38th week now. Didnt think I'd make it this far. And, I have to admit...I'm a little pissed that I'm still pregnant.

We had Riley's funeral on Sunday. I dont really feel like posting a lot about it right now. It was just really hard, and I hope I never, ever, ever, again have to go to a funeral for a child. It was just awful.

So...anyway...starting the morning of the 11th...around 4:20am, I had a big contraction. At 6am, they started coming every hour & lasting about 2-2.5 minutes long. That night, after the funeral....around 10 or 11 they were coming every 3-7 minutes. So, Damon called the dr on call. She said to go on in & get checked. Well, they slowed down, and we talked about all the physical & emotional stress that I'd been under...and she said that is likely to bring on false labor. So, then I felt like an idiot. But--just for the record, "false labor" really just means "non-productive labor". Because when she first told me, I was like--"I cant believe this isnt real. The contractions are registering on your little machine, and I know that I can feel them!" She explained that they are real contractions...but they arent leading up to anything. Just creating an uncomfortable situation for me & the baby. Now God, in his infinite wisdom has designed this whole conception, birth thing very well...but false/non-productive labor...that's just one thing I dont understand!!!
The good news: on Sunday night/early Monday morning when they checked me at the hospital--I was dilated to 3 & 70% effaced. That's a little progress...Anyway... they gave me 2 sleeping pills & sent us home. And boy....did I get some sleep! But, poor Damon said that I was snoring like a freight train & he didnt get any sleep.
Sorry!!!!

Yesterday...hung out at the house. Cleaned around here a little bit.
Today...so far I've checked my email, made a pot of coffee (Half Cafe...so it's not fully caffeinated...) & had breakfast w/ Dad. Well, not really breakfast with dad...we chatted on the phone while both having our coffee. He's in Austin & I'm here...so it's the closest thing to having breakfast together!

That's all I know. Still no baby.
Yesterday was Tiff's birthday.
Today is Susie Martin's birthday.
Tomorrow is my Mother-in-Law's birthday.

Signing off for now!

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

Baby Gage...

Well, we had a rough night last night.

Contractions were 5 minutes apart for 40 minutes...then spaced out further...then disappeared.

Gage's horoscope for today (provided he's born before 9/22, he'll be a Virgo):
Quickie:
You're not making much progress, but resist the urge to give up. You're no quitter.

So, I guess that's fitting of last night's behavior....


Then, other than that, I woke up & had a crying spell that started around 4. It started w/ thinking of Riley, and going to the visitation tonight...and then, as a typical woman, I was crying about every little thing that was/is wrong--ever. Poor Damon doesnt know what to do--he seems to think that when I cry, everything will just be better if I'll stop crying. I happen to believe that crying is amazingly cathartic, and I generally feel better afterwards...but it's like I just have to get it all out, you know? So, I felt bad when I woke him up crying...he didnt know what to do...so I just went to the nursery & rocked Gage & myself...which made me cry more because I have this pillow that sits in the rocker...it reads, "A mother holds her child's hand for a little while, but their heart forever"...and immediately I was thinking about my sister & Riley again, which seemed to start the whole thing over again.

So, I took a bath...read a little...and got back in bed around 5:30, although by then, I wasnt the least bit sleepy. All I wanted was for Damon to hold me...but I didnt want to wake him up again.

Today & tomorrow are just going to be really hard.
I've got to find some shoes to wear.

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Sunday, September 04, 2005

37 weeks....

So, here's what Pregnancy Weekly says about 37 weeks:


Your baby is considered a term pregnancy even though the 40-week mark is still 3 weeks away. Your baby is probably about 6 pounds and measures 19 inches in length. Your baby can't wait to meet "Mama" and share with you all the love they have to give.

Here's what Baby Center says about 37 weeks:

Congratulations! Your pregnancy is now considered full term — meaning your baby is developmentally ready to handle life outside the womb. (Babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 weeks are post-term.) Your baby probably weighs a little over 6 pounds at this point and measures between 19 and 20 inches, head to heel.

Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don't be surprised if your baby's hair isn't the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children are born blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.


Here's what I say about 37 weeks:
I'm ready for you to come out. Period. I'd rather hold you in my hands than in my belly!!!!!


Yesterday...Mom came to town w/ Allen & picked me up. Took me over to Baylor Grapevine to meet new baby Nora, my cousin Kory's new daughter. Oh, she's beautiful!!!! We had lunch at a place in Grapevine called Mimi's Cafe. It was very good. Came home just worn out.

Mom got us all kinds of new stuff for baby Gage. And, she got me these BEAUTIFUL white nursing jammies....um--they dont accommodate these nursies of mine. They fit everywhere except the chest...so, she's going to take them back. We got a different pair at Motherhood. They're light blue--satiny. Love 'em.
Oh, and she got me a nursing bra. It's....hideous. I thought huge bras were ugy. Try huge w/ zippers & snaps & all the bells & whistles for nursing. It should just be called "Helga". If it had a name--that's what it would be..."Helga".

Anyway...last night we watched a movie with Robin Williams called "Final Cut". I enjoyed it a lot. It's a sci-fi movie, and I thought it was very interesting.

Damon & I woke up at 5 this morning & ate donuts in bed & watched TV. That was fun!

Now, it's noon...and Damon just made us a 2nd breakfast. He went to Walmart & bought a waffle maker. We're having Belgian Waffles for brunch. Yummy!!!!

Mike & Cat made it home safely...finally. I just got the word! WWWWWHHHHHEEEEWWW!

That's all I know for now. Hopefully a lazy day ahead. Oh, time out...hopefully an active day ahead--PRAYING FOR ACTIVE LABOR!

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

36 week picture...



And...here's a picture of Eddie!


That's about all I know for today.
My computer is mega slow @ uploading pictures...so I just did the two & will do some more tomorrow.

Oh--and the next time I decide that I need to go to Taco Bell @ 10 o'clock at night, Damon has been instructed to remind me that it is a really bad idea. I had heartburn ALL NIGHT LONG! (I really should have expected that....)

I'm still the Yahtzee Queen.
I beat Damon 2 out of 3 times last night, and 3 out of 3 times today.
:)

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Saturday, August 27, 2005

36 weeks today...

So far, it's been a great day!
My house is clean...
I got out of the house today...
Life is good.

Shelley & Jacquie came over & took me out to lunch. We went to a place on Greenville Ave. called Hurricane Grill & I got the crab cakes that I enjoy. And no--we didnt have to park a gazillion miles away & walk. There was an upclose spot, so it was meant to be!

Came home from lunch around 2...and I've been resting while Damon's been playing games online. Now it's my turn on the internet, and I dont have much to report...

Talked to Melissa last night. I havent seen her in forever, so I'm ready for her to come down & visit. I know she says she'll come after the baby gets here. So, I look forward to that.

Damon just informed me that BB6 (Big Brother 6) is not coming on tonight. What's that about??? I dont remember the TV execs discussing that w/ me. Who gives a crap about some football game??? I need to see what's going on in the Big Brother House!

For now, that's about all I know.
I'm still BFP: Big Fat Pregnant.

Oh, & Shelley's daughter is pregnant & it's a boy. They are thinking of "R" names.
Rudy
Ralph
Raegan
Raul
Randy (I really hate this one...but hey, it's an R name)
Reese (Lovin' it!)
Rance (hate it...)
Roy
Rock (yes, as in...Rock Hudson)
Raymond
Ramon
Reginald
Reggie
Rory
Randall
Randolph
Rudolph
Richard

Okay...that's all I can think of for now.

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Friday, August 26, 2005

It's Friday...I aint got no job...I aint got sh*t to do!

For anyone who's curious about the title of today's entry...it's an adapted line from the movie, "Friday".

Today has been hard. It's better now...this evening...but it really was a rough day. I dont know if staying @ home is getting to me...or if I'm getting even more hormonal...or what the deal is. I've cried most all day. It's like I cant help it. Every little thing just makes me cry. My back hurts--I cry. I see something on TV, I cry. I think about anything & everything...I cry. I miss work (yes, I did just type that...) & then I cry. Damon leaves the room to go somewhere else in the house--I cry.

We were up last night until...well, the last time I looked @ the clock was 12:10. I took a Tylenol PM to help me sleep...that was @ 10:30. But then of course, I was up in the 2 o'clock hour...in the tub @ 4, out at 5:30 (when the water got cold & I was finished reading 2 magazines), and then I went back to sleep. Slept until 7:30...got my heating pad...and slept again until 9 something.
(I know you guys are all interested in my sleeping patterns!)
Oh, but there was a scary/bizarro dream in there. In my dream, while delivering--Gage broke my ribs & tail bone. (In reality--he was moving around a lot & I woke up w/ pain in my ribs & tail bone...then I got the heating pad...) Can you break bones while giving birth?? If the answer is yes, please dont anyone respond! I really dont want to know!

It's actually been a few days since I've blogged...
What's happened since then??? Well, on Wednesday night, Megan & Susan came over & brought dinner for us. It totally rocked! La Madeleines! I got soup & tea--just like I wanted! And, Susan brought me lots of magazines to read & a puzzle book. I'm just about through all the magazines, and I worked some of the puzzles today in the puzzle book.
We had fun Wednesday night just visiting & talking about girl stuff & Megan's job...and stuff like that. I have some pictures...but, I've got to charge the battery on the digital camera & upload the images...yada, yada, yada...so I'll post them later.

Thursday--dr's appt. Highlights: Dilated to 2, lost 2 pounds, belly's still measuring ahead (my chart reads: "watch fundal height"), & they scheduled an ultrasound for next week to see just how big this baby is measuring. I'd like to be holding him by next week...but if not, then another sonogram is the next best thing. I cant see him enough, you know!?

Friday..today. I mentioned--I've cried. Other than that, I've laid around, checked the mail, played Yahtzee w/ Damon & he even set up the poker table tonight so he & I can play poker. We've played 3 games tonight. I actually won 2 of the 3 times. Now, I'll admit--it's not because I'm a better poker player...heck, he has to tell me most of the time if I won or not...it's just that I am a seriously unpredictable player & he can never decipher if I have a good hand or jack squat b/c my betting is completely random. I guess that in itself could be a strategy...but really, for me, it's not. Sometimes I'll win the pot w/ a pair of 2s because I can get him to fold. HaHaHa! (Mischevious Laugh...)

That's really all I know for now.
Boredom has officially set in...oh wait...that happened a few days ago!

I have some thank you's to write...but I left the thank you notes & address list in my desk drawer. That helps me a lot...

Got some trial sized toiletries to pack in my hospital bag. I'm making progress toward getting it packed at least!

Okay...Damon just came home w/ KFC for dinner. I'm not that hungry...but I want to go have dinner w/ him.
:)

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

I think I overdid it yesterday....

I've been up since 5:45 this morning. My back's killing me.
I think I overdid it yesterday.
Dr's appointment today...
Damon wants me to get something for the back pain (what could I possibly take?) or sleeping pills. He says that I never sleep anymore. ...which is true. If it isnt the backaches, or trips to the bathroom, it's the heartburn. If I dont sleep--he doesnt sleep. He's such a light sleeper too--so even if we dont sleep in the same room, he'll wake up b/c he hears me stirring about.
I'm afraid this baby is NEVER going to get here!!!!

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Wednesday....

Dr's appointment tomorrow.
Am I dilated to 10 yet??????? Or how about just 3 or 4? I heard you can get an epidural at 3 or 4!

Anyway...I'll update tomorrow about the dr's appt. I'm sure NOTHING has changed except this child of mine growing larger.
Which...let me just say--he's not a very good kid. He kicks girls & more specifically, kicks & hits his momma. He & I are going to have to have a little talk when he gets here....His abusive behavior is going to be up there on our list of things to discuss.

Today: toenails got painted. Realty company called & they wanted to show the house @ 2. No problem. Damon came home from work shortly before 2...and that was an excuse for me to get out of this house! Damon took me to eat Cici's pizza. It's been so long since I've had that! No big event or anything...but an outing nonetheless.

Last night we watched "The Ring 2"...which in my opinion was not as good as the first, but still scary. And, being the big weenie that I am, during the night--every time I had to get up, so did Damon. That was the agreement. He's the one that wanted to watch a scary movie @ night--in the dark--right before bed. So, needless to say, he's napping now. He was up all night going to & from the bathroom with me.

On a brighter note...I slept until 8! woooooo-hooooo!

Megan & Susan are coming over tonight & bringing LaMadeleine's! I cant wait!!!
That's all for now!

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Monday, August 22, 2005

I'm still pregnant.

Yup. I'm still pregnant.

In fact, I'm now "35w2d" pregnant.
whatever.

I'm ready to meet my son. I'm ready to be off bedrest. I'm ready to sleep on my stomach again. Are these things too much to ask? I think not.

Tomorrow will mark one week on bedrest. I'm already bored out of my mind.
The highlights of my day: my trip to the computer room to log-on & check my email, and checking the regular mail.

Oh, Damon did buy me one of those trashy tabloid magazines called "Star" or something like that (mine & Susan's guilty pleasure. We just love reading the juicy gossip about all the famous people!). Anyway, I got to read all about Jessica Simpson's butt. If that isnt news--well, I just dont know what is!

What else??? Oh, on Sunday they showed our house. We had exactly 30 minutes from the time we found out to the time we needed to walk out the door. And so--Damon took me to Chili's for lunch. I wanted to go to this restaurant on Greenville Ave. for crab cakes...but Damon said that was too much walking b/c of the parking situation on Greenville... So, we drove to restaurant row in Mesquite & had Chili's. FYI: mango tea @ LaMadeleine's is AWESOME! Mango tea @ Chili's is AWFUL! Thought I'd warn you all.

Book Reviews:

Citizen Girl by Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus....hard to get into...didnt like it.

BlowFly by Patricia Cornwell...enjoyed it. I enjoy the Patricia Cornwell murder/mystery books.

Still working on my cross-stitching. Running out of supplies...so I'll have to send Damon out to the store one day this week. I wont do it today b/c he's having a hard day (Mondays are busy for him @ work) & he didnt sleep well last night.

Which brings me to this subject: Damon & I have decided to sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms. Our marriage is fine. It's not like we're tired of each other or anything....it's just going to be until the baby comes, and only during the week. See, I get up during the night--every night--& take a warm bath. My back aches so much, that it gets like super-stiff when I sleep, so I have to do this nightly ritual. So, he wakes up when I wake up...he dozes while I soak in the tub...and then he wakes up when I return to bed. He also says that all the lights bother him. Well--I'm 27 years old, and I dont do "dark". So, he's not sleeping so well...and then he has to get up & go to work anyway...regardless of how much or how little sleep he got. So, that's fine...he can sleep in the other room for now. We'll try it out, and if he is getting more sleep this way, then we'll stick to it during the week.

So, last night...well, this morning. It's 3:15 & I wake up...trek into the bathroom, and I'm standing there getting the water running. Well, b/c the water was running--I didnt hear Damon get up out of bed & walk down the hall. When he popped his head into the bathroom & started talking to me....OH MY GOODNESS. I screamed about as loud as I could. I jumped at least a foot in the air. I was sooooo startled. Well, that woke up the dog, the cat, Damon was awake, but that really woke him up. And me--I was on an adrenaline rush until after 5am. I could NOT go back to sleep. Geeeeez.

Then, we were all up & starting our day around 7 or 7:30. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight!

I'm already getting tired of TV. (except for my favorite shows, course!)
My opinions on TV...

Hogan Knows Best...reality series about Hulk Hogan & his family. I'm actually enjoying this series...Kind of like the Osbournes...minus the swearing & screwed up kids.

Being Bobby Brown...are you kidding me? This is a reality series about Bobby Brown & Whitney Houston. I think it's just kind of understood that Bobby Brown's an idiot. This show just proves how trashy Whitney Houston is. I mean, she used to come across as so refined in the media. (Pre-drug stuff....) Now, she's either wacked-out-cracked-out, or just really, really that trashy. And if she really is as trashy as she seems--then whoever used to surround her & keep her from opening her mouth on the red carpet--they probably earned every penny that they were paid! And the saddest thing about the whole series...they probably dont realize how stupid they seem...

Big Brother 6: I'm addicted. I think I already mentioned that... "Hi, My name is BLD, and I'm addicted to BB6". Let's see...I'm disappointed in Janelle's behavior. I think she plays the "dumb blonde" role a lot, but I think she is really a smart girl. Too bad she's being as catty as she's being... Howie's also getting on my nerves. I liked Jennifer/Jenny a lot, and I was sad to see her voted off on Saturday. She only annoyed me once when she started dancing on the back patio.... It says that she's an arena football league dancer....and it says she's from Plano,TX. Well, Erin was over here watching BB6 w/ me, and I didnt even know that we have arena football here. Who knew??? (well, Erin knew...)

Real World Austin: Susan got me hooked on this. Cant wait to find out how it's going to be when Danny comes back. Saw the previews...are things changing between him & Mehlinda??? We'll have to watch & find out!


I'm ready for The Apprentice to start again. And, The Sopranos. And, Desperate Housewives. And, ER.

I'm a TV junkie I guess. I cant help it. Those are my little shows that I like...

I'm so glad that it's almost 2 in the afternoon. I'm 1/2 way through yet another day of glorious bedrest! (note the sarcasm.)

Oh--I needed some ice cream last night. Damon went & got me some Chocolate Decadence by BlueBell. Yummmmmmmy! Anyway--did you know that either Dreyer's or Breyer's has A&M & UT ice cream??? It's called Aggie Blitz & Longhorns Stampede. It has little caramel filled footballs inside the ice cream. How cute is that???

Did I ever post that I made Gage a blanket??? Well, I did. Damon's dad is a huge UT fan, so he's been buying all of this longhorn stuff for Gage. Well, Damon hasnt gotten any A&M stuff for the baby....so I found this A&M fleece. I made Gage a little Aggie fleece blanket. It'll be good for this winter! Damon was so excited when he saw it.

Signing off for now!

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