Life Is Just So Daily

Friday, July 24, 2009

Two Years.



It's hard to believe that two years ago today, we found out that our unexpected, pleasant surprise baby was not going to be. It's amazing how much you can fall in love with someone in such a short amount of time. How you can fill your heart and mind with hopes & dreams for a little one, and then it's just...not going to be.
Some days, I think about how old she'd be right now (yes, I've convinced myself that Masyn is a girl. It's hard to explain why I think that way---it's just a feeling that I've had the whole time.) I imagine how different my life would be right now with two children instead of one.

But, it's been two years now. Two WHOLE years. And I can hardly wrap my brain around it. Two years ago, I cried my eyes out at Dr.B's office. I knew she was gone before the sonographer ever opened her mouth. She just had this "I'm sorry" look in her eyes, and then she told us. And the wave of disappointment and sadness that just seemed to start from the center of my body took over.

My mom came into town the night before because we were called in by the OB's office. She spent the night so she could go with us to the appointment first thing in the morning. I wanted to believe that I didn't need her---that everything would be okay, false alarms, and all that. In the end---she was right. She knew I'd need her. She was so right.

I cried until I was cried out. My baby was dead, but my body was still pregnant, and I was starving. So, we went to lunch, and thought about what to do with the day ahead of us. We talked about going to the movies, but the only thing out at the time that I had even been remotely interested in seeing was "Knocked Up," and just the thought of going to that movie brought the tears back.

We spent the day crying off & on because that's how it goes, right?

And then two years ago tonight,I cried myself to sleep knowing that it would be my last night to spend with Masyn tucked away inside me. We already knew that she was no longer alive, but it was my last night to have her there---with me---in me. I just cried my little eyes out while my husband held me. And there was nothing he could do to change the situation. We felt sad & helpless.

And now it's been 2 years.
It's hard to believe.

Masyn, I miss you. I miss everything we lost when we lost you. I missed your laugh. I missed your smile. Your fingers patting my mouth or twiddling my hair as you nursed. Your eye color, your hair color, your temperament. I missed it all.
But---I got to be your Mommy. Of all the women in the world, I got to be your Mommy, even if it was only for a very little while. I hardly knew you were there, and then you were gone. I didn't get to appreciate it the way I wanted to, and then it was over. And I'm sorry.

Now, if nothing else, I have faith that there is a plan for us as a family.
God has a plan for us. I'm not yet sure what it is---but I have faith that there is a plan. And maybe the family he planned for us is this: A mommy, a daddy, a son, and an angel. No more, no less. I don't know yet, but that may be his plan. And some day I hope to find peace with whatever plan he has for us.

"I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…"
~Glory Baby by WaterMark

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18 Comments:

At 5:56 AM , Blogger Aubs said...

Tears are falling...what a beautiful post! I will pray for you to find that peace with God's plan for your family. Glory Baby by Watermark evokes so much emotion as i came to know that song in such a tragic experience but it is a beautiful song...HUGS

 
At 6:27 AM , Blogger Beth said...

oh Hon....I wish I was there to give you a big ole hug right now. So sad and so heartwrenching...but you are so brave to put those feelings out there.

Love you...and I love the picture...forget-me-nots in the shape of a heart. perfect.

 
At 7:01 AM , Blogger Jiff said...

*HUGS*

 
At 7:31 AM , Blogger These are the days said...

This month 10 years ago, I lost my baby boy. Just like you I was convinced of the sex, and no one could tell me different, it was mother's intuition. I grieve for him still today, and I went through all of the grieving emotions....the anger especially. I was angry at God, because when the technician was frantically searching for my baby's heartbeat, I asked God for the first and only thing for myself in my life, and I felt he failed me. I was angry at my husband, because I couldn't understand at that time, that people grieve differently. While I couldn't get out of bed, he threw himself into work, and to me it looked like he was indifferent to our loss, although I couldn't have been more wrong. I was angry at my aunt who was giving birth to her baby that December, and decided to use the name I had picked out for my baby boy, for her baby boy. Even at one of my best friend's who called to tell me she found out the sex of her baby girl, just a week after my loss. I think about James every night in my prayers, and I find it extremely comforting to think of him in Heaven. The loss subsided slightly when our son Gavin was born, but the hole never completely fills up. I have deep empathy for what you are going through.

 
At 11:29 AM , Blogger lisa said...

I'm so sorry.

 
At 11:38 AM , Blogger Mandy said...

What a beautiful post; thank you for sharing =) Huge hugs and lots of thoughts for you and your famly today!

 
At 6:44 PM , Blogger Christy Ann said...

I went through the exact same thing 5 months ago in February. Also, I had a feeling it was a girl... we've been trying to conceive again since, but with no luck.

Our baby would have been due this September. It's gonna be hard for me when that month rolls around...

Thinking of you...

 
At 7:56 PM , Blogger Carina said...

I wish I could give you a hug, and I don't even know you, really. I look forward to meeting both you and Masyn someday in heaven.

 
At 8:24 PM , Blogger stepfabulous said...

What a beautiful post. Your picture of the heart shaped flowers, was perfect for this post.

 
At 1:45 AM , Blogger Chris H said...

I can't believe it has been two years! Time has a strange way of passing so quickly. {{{HUGS}}}

 
At 8:13 AM , Blogger Shoeaddict said...

I first read this yesterday and I couldn't comment then.

I'm so glad that you are able to share your pain with us. I know how bad this hurts and I'm so sorry. God has awesome things in store for you and your adorable family.

xo

 
At 2:28 PM , Blogger Cristina Mathers said...

beautiful post.

 
At 4:33 PM , Blogger Marni's Organized Mess said...

My miscarriage was August 8th. Every year it comes and every year I remember...

Sending you good thoughts.

 
At 7:58 PM , Blogger Pregnantly Plump said...

What a beautiful tribute. I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss. It's so hard to wait for the plan to be revealed. I understand that.

 
At 6:13 AM , Blogger Rikki said...

Hey, friend. Just want you to know that you are precious! Glad you are in my life. And....God has an AWESOME plan for your family...I promise! =)

 
At 7:22 AM , Blogger Jacki said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, it helps others in more ways than you can imagine.
I am about to reach the one year mark of losing my one and only pregnancy. I've spent many days mourning the loss of my pregnancy and the inability of not being able to conceive again. It's tough, so tough.
I know that God has a plan for my family as well as yours, He always does.
Right now I feel that I'm in a good place emotionally and mentally but I know that may or may not be the same when September 15th comes around. It is through people like yourself that share your heart and my relationship with the Lord that I find comfort. Thank you.

 
At 8:48 PM , Blogger CBM said...

We never forget them. That's just another part of being a mother. Saturday before last was the 3rd anniversary of my first loss. The next one is just around the bend in November. I remember my babes.

A friend of mine had a miscarriage recently and was worried to tell me for fear of stirring up my painful memories. But you know what I realized while she was dealing through her grief? I was grieving FOR her not WITH her. I had peace! After two miscarriages and all the pain and anger you and others have mentioned...I have peace. But make no mistake, I still remember my babies too. I still wish I could have known them. But I believe now that it is possible to have those feelings and yet be at peace simultaneously.

May you find peace amidst your sorrow.

 
At 5:45 AM , Blogger Kate said...

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this.

 

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