It's hard to believe that two years ago today, we found out that our unexpected, pleasant surprise baby was not going to be. It's amazing how much you can fall in love with someone in such a short amount of time. How you can fill your heart and mind with hopes & dreams for a little one, and then it's just...not going to be.
Some days, I think about how old she'd be right now (yes, I've convinced myself that Masyn is a girl. It's hard to explain why I think that way---it's just a feeling that I've had the whole time.) I imagine how different my life would be right now with two children instead of one.
But, it's been two years now. Two WHOLE years. And I can hardly wrap my brain around it. Two years ago, I cried my eyes out at Dr.B's office. I knew she was gone before the sonographer ever opened her mouth. She just had this "I'm sorry" look in her eyes, and then she told us. And the wave of disappointment and sadness that just seemed to start from the center of my body took over.
My mom came into town the night before because we were called in by the OB's office. She spent the night so she could go with us to the appointment first thing in the morning. I wanted to believe that I didn't need her---that everything would be okay, false alarms, and all that. In the end---she was right. She knew I'd need her. She was so right.
I cried until I was cried out. My baby was dead, but my body was still pregnant, and I was starving. So, we went to lunch, and thought about what to do with the day ahead of us. We talked about going to the movies, but the only thing out at the time that I had even been remotely interested in seeing was "Knocked Up," and just the thought of going to that movie brought the tears back.
We spent the day crying off & on because that's how it goes, right?
And then two years ago tonight,I cried myself to sleep knowing that it would be my last night to spend with Masyn tucked away inside me. We already knew that she was no longer alive, but it was my last night to have her there---with me---in me. I just cried my little eyes out while my husband held me. And there was nothing he could do to change the situation. We felt sad & helpless.
And now it's been 2 years.
It's hard to believe.
Masyn, I miss you. I miss everything we lost when we lost you. I missed your laugh. I missed your smile. Your fingers patting my mouth or twiddling my hair as you nursed. Your eye color, your hair color, your temperament. I missed it all.
But---I got to be your Mommy. Of all the women in the world, I got to be your Mommy, even if it was only for a very little while. I hardly knew you were there, and then you were gone. I didn't get to appreciate it the way I wanted to, and then it was over. And I'm sorry.
Now, if nothing else, I have faith that there is a plan for us as a family.
God has a plan for us. I'm not yet sure what it is---but I have faith that there is a plan. And maybe the family he planned for us is this: A mommy, a daddy, a son, and an angel. No more, no less. I don't know yet, but that may be his plan. And some day I hope to find peace with whatever plan he has for us.
"I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…"
~Glory Baby by WaterMark