My Masyn-iversary, 5 years.

Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown

I can't believe it's been 5 years....and yet, I can.
It may be terrible to be thankful for time, but I'm glad its been 5 years.
I'm glad I've had time to smooth the edges of that kind of hurt....and the Lord knows I've had so many other things weighing my shoulders my down.
I certainly wish that pregnancy had ended differently....but since it didn't...I'm at least thankful that time has passed since then. It hurts a little less now.

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Missing you, Masyn.
Thinking of you today.
...I visited your tree...
We had our candle lighting ceremony,
& it always catches me off guard
the wave of sadness that comes over me...
...and I just wish it were different.
I'm so sorry.

My Snowdrop Baby....

Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown

Today's my Miss-You-Masyn day.
I don't need a special day to miss all that Masyn would have been. It's just, an anniversary. A date. You know it's coming, and then it's here. You go about your day trying to put it in the back of your mind, but you write down the date, and you know what it means. You can't stop your mind from travelling back in time, and remembering every moment.

Now, while I hate to taint anything relating to Masyn, I feel the need to complain today.
A male coworker entered work today, and announced that his wife is pregnant.
And then he began to b*tch about it.
Really?
And to refer to this child as "The Nuva-Ring Baby" and somewhere in the midst of his bitch-fest he said, "I don't want another baby."
I was rather shocked by my own reaction.
I said nothing.
My eyes did not well up with tears.
Rather, my face {probably red} began to just burn. I felt like I was on fire. I just wanted to scream and tell him that he doesn't deserve a baby!
....and yet, somehow, the next thing that came over me was this weird awareness and self-advice that I wasn't expecting... "This isn't about me. This has nothing to do with me. He has no idea what today is. Getting mad won't bring my baby back." I have no idea how many times I mentally repeated that to myself while I just stared at the computer screen with my back to the gathered "congratulatory" crowd. Finally I snapped to, and got back to work.

I kept busy all day and just avoided the anniversary part of the day. And here I sit, now, blogging about all this. Why? Because I feel compelled to. I feel compelled to somehow acknowledge the day because deep down I feel guilty for my real feelings this year: I just wanted today to come & go. Come & pass quickly. And I feel guilty about that. I know that it's probably a healthy part of the grieving process. I know that it likely means progress in that arena of my life. But, it feels like it should be wrong.

October 15th Candle-Light Ceremony....

Well, we attended our first October 15th Candle-light Ceremony on...well, October 15th. There were a few speeches, the planting of the Memory Tree, and a candle-lighting circle at 7. It was nice.

Here are a few pics from the evening....









And, my mom came too!
Why, oh why don't I have a pic of us together!?
I dunno....
But she came, and that was wonderful.
What else was wonderful? The fact that I started my day with flowers. Thank you, Rikki!
:)

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

"What we have once
enjoyed and deeply loved
we can never lose,
for all that we love deeply
becomes a part of us."
~Helen Keller

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and we will be attending our first candle-light ceremony tonight in memory of Masyn, and all of the other pregnancies and babies lost.
Light your candle....7pm.

Thanks, Mom.

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day.


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Former President Ronald Reagan in 1988. Officially recognized in the United States in 2006, October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss and Remembrance Day, a special day to honor and acknowledge babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, prematurity complications, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome-SIDS, illness, accidents, and other tragic causes. Pink and Light Blue are the awareness colors.

We lost our little Masyn July 25, 2007. Well, technically, we lost her sometime before that, but that was the day. That was...the day.

I don't need a special day to miss Masyn, but it's nice to have a special day for families to know that they are not alone. Miscarriage...fetal demise...stillbirth...all things that are not pleasant to think about, not easily talked about, and yet are very very real. Sad, tragic realities that families are forced to face/endure/experience...whatever word you want to put there.

So...I've been there. If I could turn back time & relive my days of being pregnant and excited about Masyn, I would. If I could change the outcome, I definitely would. We've missed out on so much that just wasn't to be...

And I know that there are others out there who have faced this, are facing this, or will face this in the future.

So....today's a day dedicated to this...and dedicated to the family's who have been there. We're not alone.

I miss my "what might have been" baby.

Two Years.

It's hard to believe that two years ago today, we found out that our unexpected, pleasant surprise baby was not going to be. It's amazing how much you can fall in love with someone in such a short amount of time. How you can fill your heart and mind with hopes & dreams for a little one, and then it's just...not going to be.
Some days, I think about how old she'd be right now (yes, I've convinced myself that Masyn is a girl. It's hard to explain why I think that way---it's just a feeling that I've had the whole time.) I imagine how different my life would be right now with two children instead of one.

But, it's been two years now. Two WHOLE years. And I can hardly wrap my brain around it. Two years ago, I cried my eyes out at Dr.B's office. I knew she was gone before the sonographer ever opened her mouth. She just had this "I'm sorry" look in her eyes, and then she told us. And the wave of disappointment and sadness that just seemed to start from the center of my body took over.

My mom came into town the night before because we were called in by the OB's office. She spent the night so she could go with us to the appointment first thing in the morning. I wanted to believe that I didn't need her---that everything would be okay, false alarms, and all that. In the end---she was right. She knew I'd need her. She was so right.

I cried until I was cried out. My baby was dead, but my body was still pregnant, and I was starving. So, we went to lunch, and thought about what to do with the day ahead of us. We talked about going to the movies, but the only thing out at the time that I had even been remotely interested in seeing was "Knocked Up," and just the thought of going to that movie brought the tears back.

We spent the day crying off & on because that's how it goes, right?

And then two years ago tonight,I cried myself to sleep knowing that it would be my last night to spend with Masyn tucked away inside me. We already knew that she was no longer alive, but it was my last night to have her there---with me---in me. I just cried my little eyes out while my husband held me. And there was nothing he could do to change the situation. We felt sad & helpless.

And now it's been 2 years.
It's hard to believe.

Masyn, I miss you. I miss everything we lost when we lost you. I missed your laugh. I missed your smile. Your fingers patting my mouth or twiddling my hair as you nursed. Your eye color, your hair color, your temperament. I missed it all.
But---I got to be your Mommy. Of all the women in the world, I got to be your Mommy, even if it was only for a very little while. I hardly knew you were there, and then you were gone. I didn't get to appreciate it the way I wanted to, and then it was over. And I'm sorry.

Now, if nothing else, I have faith that there is a plan for us as a family.
God has a plan for us. I'm not yet sure what it is---but I have faith that there is a plan. And maybe the family he planned for us is this: A mommy, a daddy, a son, and an angel. No more, no less. I don't know yet, but that may be his plan. And some day I hope to find peace with whatever plan he has for us.

"I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…"
~Glory Baby by WaterMark

"Mommy"

"Mommy". Quite possibly the first word a little boy will say, the beginning of a lifelong conversation with his mother. In between childhood and adulthood many words will pass between a mother and a son, some in love, some in anger, some in sadness, and others in joy. Their bond will forever affect the way he'll view women. But it's in a mother's eyes that a son will remain forever young -- and forever cherished.
~ from a description of the book Mothers & Sons, A Celebration in Memoirs, Stories, and Photographs by Jill Morgan



Today is October 15th, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day. I don't need a special day each year to miss Masyn, but it's nice to have a day just to recognize our situation, because we're not alone. It's been almost 15 months now since our pregnancy ended. Our life as a family has gone on. I trust that there is a plan for us, and that for now---this is the plan. A mommy, a daddy, and a son. For now, this is us. And although at times I still struggle with the understanding of our loss of Masyn & all that we missed out on---today I'm going to try to focus on my blessings, the blessing of my son, and the great privelege it is to just get to be his mom.

Thanks........

Mom & David,
Thanks for our flowers.

It's hard to believe that one year ago today, we found out that our unexpected, pleasant surprise baby was not going to be. It's amazing how much you can fall in love with someone in such a short amount of time. How you can fill your heart and mind with hopes & dreams for a little one, and then it's just...not going to be.

Sometimes I feel like it just happened, and it feels fresh.
And sometimes I feel like it was so long ago.
Some days, I think, she'd be...however old, right now.
I imagine my life being different with two children instead of one.
How would it be different? What would we be doing right now?

But, it's been a year.
A year ago tonight I cried myself to sleep knowing that it would be my last night to spend with Masyn tucked away inside me. Not that the baby was alive, but it was my last night to be pregnant with Masyn. I just cried my little eyes out while my husband held me.

And now it's been a year.
It's hard to believe.

But, I have faith that there is a plan for us.
God has a plan for our family.

One Year Ago....

One year ago on 7/16/7...in the evening time.... I finally took a pregnancy test....and it came back positive.

I didn't immediately know that Masyn would be the chosen name.
Coy kept coming to forefront of my mind.

...and then it just kind of all came together...
Masyn Coy D...

Today....

Gage is just talking so much now. It's wild & crazy & awesome.

Some of my favorite things to hear him say...

"possomas". That's how he says "possom". It's soooo cute.

"I don't like it the ___fill in the blank with whatever he doesn't like___."

"May I can have some please." We're working hard on asking nicely for things.

"May I can go to your bed just for a wittle while? You can set the timer."

"Please I can have..."

There are really so many more things...but those are just on the top of my head right now. Just some of the things I'm thinking about today.

In other news:
I dropped my mom's Mother's Day gift. She's coming in on Saturday, so I intend to give it to her then...but, I dropped it. I dented it. It's not broken, but it is dented. We'll have to see if she can live with it dented, or if I need to replace it. I kind of suck sometimes.

Yesterday, Gage choked on a hot dog. He was in the living room eating "weanie-bites", and Hubby was in the dining room. I was walking from the dining room into the kitchen when Hubby & I heard Gage make this noise like a dying bird. It was odd & made me turn on my heels & head straight for him, although I didn't immediately think, "he's choking". His face was red & he was gagging & making NO NOISE by the time Hubby I reached him. Hubby did the back patting & finger swoop thing, and I was fully prepared to administer the kiddie-heimlich. But, the weanie-bite came up & he was just a terrified mess. We all were. But, all turned out okay. Scary moment...which can happen at any time. Whoooo. In the end, all is well. You know, you think---he has a full mouth of teeth, he can eat this. well, yes, he CAN eat it, but I probably should cut up the bites into smaller pieces even though he's bigger...

Today: dr's appointment to talk about IUI. After Hubby's surgeries, it seems that we'll need to go this route to get pregnant again. I'm not sure when we'll plan on really starting this adventure, but today we've got my annual & time scheduled to cover the basics & answer all of my questions.
....and speaking of questions....I fully intended to go in with a list & ask a million questions....but as the time approaches, it's like my mind has gone blank. What do I need to know? I can't think of any questions! But, maybe the "what do I need to know" could be the question I ask. Dr.B is awesome if you ask me, and I am sure he will tell me everything I need to know. And, if there is anything we don't cover, they have their website set up where I can email his nurse. They are all so nice there & answer all my questions, so I'm not too worried. I suppose the bigger thing about all of this is for us to decide WHEN. Clearly we've got the WHO & the HOW covered. Sometimes I think, NOW-NOW-NOW, but then at other times, I think this is NOT the right time.

Which leads me to some thoughts I've had recently: we'll never again get that "surprise! you're pregnant!" With Gage, we tried & tried & success! With Masyn, well, that was a total surprise. Of course, that didn't end well...so maybe surprise pregnancies aren't really for me. I dunno. I just think, now, to get pregnant it is going to be expensive, and planned, not spontaneous at all, no "pleasant surprise" babies....I don't know. I'm just kind of feeling like I lost something, you know? BUT--no pity parties about that. Why? Because (1) I have Gage, (2) I've gotten pregnant twice, so I have the ability to get pregnant, (3) we HAVE options to get pregnant, so why dwell on something so minute in the grand scheme of things?

Anywho.... let's move on, shall we?
Mother in law is watching Gage this afternoon while I go to the doctor.

I'm going to pick up the carpet & upholstery cleaner from her & clean our couch, chair, & ottomon b/c I SOLD THEM! Yes, on Saturday, this recently-divorced-single-mother-who-is-moving-into-her-apartment-with-a-baby needed some living room furniture. She is a coworker of one of my mommy-friends. She was asking around about getting a couch & living room furniture for cheap, but was also concerned about buying used b/c she wants it to be clean for her baby to be on.... Anyway, it just so happened that Tera (my mommy friend) and I were out looking at furniture b/c I am so sick of my living room I could just puke....and then Tera asked the gal, and the gal said she was interested, but obviously the price would make a difference... Well, when I was at the furniture store earlier in the day, I probably would have bought new stuff on the spot if it hadn't been for the delivery fee. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS. I couldn't bring myself to agree to it. I guess I'm going to have to get used to (1) life without a truck & (2) my husband can't be moving furniture while he's still recovering. This will be our first major purchase since we did away with the truck & I got my new car. Anyway.....back to the point. I told Tera to tell the gal that she can have the sofa, chair, ottomon, & 2 end tables for $120, that way the delivery fee will be covered for me. And, she has to pick them up b/c I don't deliver & don't have a truck or muscles to do it myself! She's so excited, and I'm excited to have them outta here.

And now....I need to work on a way to replace this RUG in our living room. It's so busy & I'm so sick of the pattern. Sure, it's fine if I don't have to look at it every day...but living with it? I'm tired of it.
Obstacle: Gage loves it. He pretends the border is his "road" & cars & trucks travel this carpeted road daily. I doubt he'll be on board with a new rug.

Okay...those are my ramblings for the day.
This weekend (Saturday), my mom & David are coming to my house to help me with yard work. I am so excited.
:)

And the final tidbit for the day...
My new favorite phrase for answering the phone: "What up, Dog?"
I'm sure it's driving others nuts.

Pity Party....and You're All Invited.

The truth is: I'm struggling right now.
I've got this wave that has been coming on for...a little bit now.
I've been missing Masyn just....so much.
God, I'm crying while I type this.

I'll get in my car & just cry by myself while I drive.
I'll rock Gage & just cry about the baby that I never got to rock.

I have these totally raw & unprocessed feelings of guilt. Today it's like I finally had all the little pieces to put together this thought, although it may be completely warped, but still it's like it had been scrambled in my head & heart & finally came together today...
I was too busy to even know Masyn was there. Too busy to notice.
I was too busy to know when Masyn died.
Where was I in that moment?
What was I doing in that moment?
How could I have possibly been so oblivious?

And this guilt about every day getting a little easier.
How can it be easier? Some days are easier. Sometimes I've thought---with everything going on with my husband's health & surgery after surgery...what if I had to go through all that with a 2 year old & a brand new baby? How awful would that be????? And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for thinking life would be harder right now with a brand new baby.

And now...Masyn would not be brand new anymore. Masyn would have been born in January or February. Probably February.

And while I'm visiting this topic, lets talk about regrets. In the grand scheme of things, I have many. I had no idea that I was pregnant with Masyn, so I was drinking & having a good ol' time. In fact, at my birthday party in June...a few people even asked if I was pregnant, but I just truly didn't believe that I was. I just had no idea. No idea. And there I was, partying it up.

Actually, in the above paragraph, I was going to cover 2 different regrets...so, here goes: I had a d&c the day after I found out Masyn was not alive. I just had to see. I had to see what came out of me. I just needed to see. I saw a plastic container with the "products of conception" & the uterine linings. I saw no baby. The entire container was sent to a lab for pathology. In speaking with...goodness....who did I speak with? Did I speak with Dr.B's nurse? Did I speak with the lab people? I forget now.... but I distinctly remember the word "decomposed". They did pathology on Masyn. Masyn had already started to decompose. What I wish I'd asked for ahead of time: gender testing. Yes, I know, the sex organs may not have formed on my baby, but if the baby just literally came out in pieces with the uterine lining, and they were able to find it---surely.....surely they could have done SOME type of gender testing. I want to know---was Masyn a girl or a boy? I don't know. I just don't know. I feel like Masyn was a girl, but my reasons for thinking that are completely unfounded.

Moving on....another regret: why didn't I have Masyn cremated, or buried? Why didn't I speak up in that moment? I asked some pretty direct questions when I was in there getting ready for the grand evacuation---what will happen to my baby when this is over? I was told that everything would go to pathology & then be disposed of. I knew this. There is no delicate way to say that. There are no words of comfort in that. That was not Dr.B's fault. I asked a direct question, and he was so very honest with me about everything I wanted to know. But in that moment---why didn't I say "after pathology, can we have all of it cremated?"
My baby was discarded with medical waste.
waste.
like trash.
I let them incinerate my child with trash.
why didn't I speak up? why wasn't it offered? It probably wasn't offered because the baby's growth was so retarded to begin with. Everything literally crumpled & fell apart as it was being taken from me because my baby had been dead for so long. My baby was decomposing inside of me, and I didn't even know it. They probably didn't offer it because in the state of Texas, I think it's anything 500 grams or larger you have to bury or cremate, and Masyn was not 500 grams. I think it was just assumed that since there was no longer a unified body, it just wasn't something to consider or address.

...speaking of regrets, and speaking of Masyn. I've got something else that still just...is bothersome. October. October is domestic violence awareness month. October is breast cancer awareness month. October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In honor of these things, this past October I made ribbons...tons of ribbons. I work in a hospital,you see, and we sport ribbons for all kinds of things. Pink for breast cancer, purple for domestic violence, and pink & blue for P&IL awareness. Prior to me making the ribbons & explaining their meaning, many didn't know about October 15th, it's significance, or the significance of the ribbon. I didn't mind sharing the meaning. Afterall, it was something important to me, and in society in general, it's not something that is so readily discussed like say....breast cancer awareness. So, I'm talking with one coworker at a table in our office, and she repeatedly told me "But THIS one is the most important." Referring to the pink ribbon. She said this in my face no less than 3 times, b/c each time I said, "I think they're all important." She is a breast cancer survivor. So, yes, I'm sure that to HER, the pink ribbon IS the most important. To me, it was not. And her statements....over & over & over again---insensitive. I don't think it even registered with her that what she was saying to me was hurtful & offensive. What I wanted to say: "Not to me. Your parents got to hold you when you were a baby. You had a childhood. You grew up. You got married. You had children. Compared to Masyn, you've had a pretty full life. My child got NONE of that. So to me, THIS pink & blue ribbon is the most important." But, I didn't say those things. And certainly I think that breast cancer is horrible, and I think we need to fund research...all those things. But, don't negate or belittle my experience and say that yours is worse. They are both horrible. Period. I suppose I could have shut her up quickly by saying, "You're still alive and I've got a dead baby." Or, "You fought the battle for your life, and I have a dead baby. In the end, ribbons are nothing compared to what we've been through." I suppose that would have been the nicer way to give us both credit for our experiences & send her the message to drop it...but no. I let it go. And why?
Why did I let it go if I still think about it being hurtful?
I dunno.

...maybe it's all because I'm having a pity party & in one of those "start crying & end up crying about everything that has ever gone wrong ever" modes.

But...I'll get through this.
And thank you to Jamie, who called me, and gave me a wonderful distraction from my old friend, Sadness. It was time for her to go anyway....

Not AGAIN!

I am so tired of people asking me, "So when are you guys going to try for Number Two?" As in---baby #2.

What do I say to that?

What I want to say, "We had a number two. We lost 'number 2'. but, thanks for asking."

...and then, just the other day, I got that question from someone who KNEW that we were pregnant & lost Masyn. She's a nurse that I work with. I guess she just forgot. Because....before I had barely finished my "blowing off your question" response, she was looking panicked & walking away!

So...the other day, I get the question...
Me: "Oh, I don't know...." (picture me, still walking, not stopping to talk.)
The other person: "Well, we're trying again!"
Me: "Good luck with that" (yelling back, b/c I was about 15 feet down the hall by now!)

I sounded like a total b*tch. I know. But you know what----I don't want to talk about it with this person. Maybe some others around at the time clued him in. As I was walking by the nurse's station, they had that "Oh My God, I can't believe he just asked that" look.
Everyone shouldn't have to live on eggshells around me....and certainly someone who didn't know what we've been through... But, I still don't want to deal with that question.

So...what do I say?
"We lost a baby, so mind your own business. The next time we get pregnant we probably won't even tell anyone until we're like 6 months along...so, even if I'm pregnant RIGHT NOW I'm not going to tell you. Mind your own f*cking business. I wish you rainbows & sunshine---good luck with TTC again, but keep your nose out of our sh*t."

That sounds...um, harsh, and sadly, it's how I feel about it with people that I don't feel particularly close to.
What I want to tell this guy: if I'm not asking about your testicles, then don't ask about my uterus &/o its inhabitants. Thanks.

From The Unborn Lost Child....

There is this who lost her son, Kristopher. Anyway....when I was so confused and sad after our miscarriage with Masyn, she really helped me out by saying, "me too." It helped so much.

Anyway....she just sent me the lyrics to this song that was very touching to me. It's something I'd never heard....

George Canyon's "My Name"

It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barely make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, but paints my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, your mom is gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name


...the little video is about a mom & dad who are expecting their first child....and everything seems so great.They don't know if it's a boy or a girl...and they go to the hospital to have the baby.... But, they find out that their baby is dead....and the baby goes to heaven. And then, at the end of the video....you see the mom as an old lady. She's in a hospital, and dies. Her little angel daughter comes to get her. And it's sweet, and sad, and they meet....and it's just like how I want it all to be someday.

The Difference....

Sometimes, I want another baby.
I mean, I really really really want to be pregnant, and feel a baby kicking inside of me. I want to be preparing a nursery, and I want to have another birth story. I want to see a little person that I've grown, and hold the baby & love it, and learn everything there is to know about this brand new little baby.

And then sometimes, I think that I am just missing the baby that I would be having. I was supposed to be pregnant right now, and by now I would feel the baby kicking. I would have a preggo belly & b*tch about maternity clothes. I would be telling Gage all about the baby & how it's growing. I'd be freaking out about a room being ready & all of those things that you feel like you just HAVE TO HAVE before the baby gets here. I'd be freaking out about getting everything done in the next few months, and preparing Gage to be a big brother. I'd know if Masyn was a boy or a girl.

So, I'm having a hard time knowing the difference between wanting a new baby, or just missing Masyn.

And sometimes I think I want to start trying again...
...and then sometimes I think it's not fair to get pregnant again when I would have been pregnant with Masyn. I know that doesn't make sense. In my brain I know that no matter what, I don't get a newborn this Spring, you know? But, in my heart it doesn't seem fair to grow another baby where Masyn should still be.

And my poor husband. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to wait forever. He's always wanted our children to be close in age. I always thought that I wanted to have our kids 5 years apart! But, when I unexpectedly was pregnant, it was new, and unexpected, and I was not necessarily wanting to be pregnant & have another baby in the middle of the school year, when Gage was just 2....but, at the same time...it was exciting, and fresh, and seemed so...just unexpected. And, just when I was getting used to the idea, and getting excited, it was...no longer joyous. It was sad, and taken away. And so now, I have a hard time knowing if I want to get pregnant again, or just miss Masyn.

I would have been around 26 weeks pregnant. Give or take a few weeks. They weren't really sure about how far along I was....but, in July, I was 8-10 weeks...

I'm rambling.

Gage is down for a nap, and I need to start homework.
But, that was in my brain & on my heart. I damn sure don't need to be watching all of these freaking TLC-having-baby tv shows.

October 15th...

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day.



October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Former President Ronald Reagan in 1988. Officially recognized in the United States in 2006, October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss and Remembrance Day, a special day to honor and acknowledge babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, prematurity complications, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome-SIDS, illness, accidents, and other tragic causes. Pink and Light Blue are the awareness colors.

It's not as if I need a day or a reason to miss Masyn.
Some days are... some days are the same. The same as they've been. A mom, a dad, a baby. And then some days...or at different times of any given day, I am very aware of the fact that I was supposed to be pregnant right now. I would be showing. I would be wearing maternity clothes, and tired, and moody...and that's just how it should be. I would know now if I was having a boy or a girl. I would be painting a nursery (okay...maybe not yet....but I would certainly be dreaming up the perfect nursery!) For those that know me---I'd be shopping. That is for sure. I would be trying out the perfect double strollers. There is so much that I would be doing.
There are times that I feel like a family member is missing, and yet, it's a family member that I never saw. I never saw my baby. My baby was so tiny when it died. Masyn never cried, or smiled...

Anyway.... It's October 15th. And, I'm missing my baby. My "what might have been" baby. I know that I'm not alone today...

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Today...

Well, it's not chickenpox.
It's not measles.
It was hives. Was/Is hives.

Gave him benadryl yesterday.
Gave him benadryl last night & put calomine lotion on the spots. He had at least 10 spots on his face alone. That does not include his head & behind his ears. My poor buddy.

And then, he slept all night. (thank goodness!)

This morning, they are sooooooooooooooooo much smaller, barely raised at all.

I swear, they look like mosquito bites. He looks like a swarm of mosquitos attacked him, and now they are healing....but he hasn't been outside very much, and my MIL watched them come up while they were at WalMart to buy pull-ups, so I'm 99% sure that a pissed off mosquito did not just go to town on him....

Anyway....thank goodness it's not contagious & we don't have to cancel his party.

**********************************************

New subject: do you ever just think about signs, or the irony of things some things?
My moment: I have something that is so very precious to me. It's our "penny timeline" for our family. I started this when Damon & I were engaged & it was his wedding gift. It has a penny from the year he was born, I was born, the year we met, the year we got engaged, the year we got married, the year we got our first house, and then 2005. That year, Damon got his 1st hole in one, we found out we were pregnant, and Gage was born. So, they go in a line...and then in 2005, there is another penny branching off & starting a new line for Gage's life. I had a 2007 penny for Baby Masyn, and today was the day that I would work on updating the penny timeline. So, as I'm doing it, I flip on the radio...and kind of get lost in what I'm doing...and then, I can somehow hear the words on the radio just as clear as day. It's some song, and the chorus says, "I'm miiiiissin' you..."...and the next thing I know, it's off the radio. I was just thinking about all that should have been or could have been, and how I just wanted that sweet baby to smell & hold, and......and now I'm crying again. Anyway....the next thing I know, another song is on, and it's the middle....and it's "She talks to angels" by the Black Crowes. And, so then, I just thought....is this a sign?
and maybe my mom & I are dorky---but to us, things happen for a reason, and most things mean something......so to me, I thought, "my baby is up there in heaven, knowing how I feel right now, and knowing what I feel what I've lost."
So...the song was over, and I switched stations. And here is the song that was on:
"Held" by Natalie Grant. The song was just what I needed when I needed it.

"Held" Lyrics:

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Miss You, Masyn...Glory Baby

Glory Baby by Watermark... I came across this and love it. It's got a good message that I needed to hear. Here are the lyrics...



Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Medical Update...

Got a call from Dr.B's office this afternoon. My beta is down to a 2. So, if I am remembering correctly, it's considered negative if it is less than 5. No 2nd d&c is necessary; seems I do not have retained products of conception (thank goodness), and I just might continue to bleed lightly for a while longer while my body just heals & adjusts.

So....that's good news.
I'm ready for all of this to be over & move on, so hopefully we're getting closer to that day.

Thanks for all of the well wishes.
:)