October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Former President Ronald Reagan in 1988. Officially recognized in the United States in 2006, October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss and Remembrance Day, a special day to honor and acknowledge babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, prematurity complications, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome-SIDS, illness, accidents, and other tragic causes. Pink and Light Blue are the awareness colors.
It's not as if I need a day or a reason to miss Masyn.
Some days are... some days are the same. The same as they've been. A mom, a dad, a baby. And then some days...or at different times of any given day, I am very aware of the fact that I was supposed to be pregnant right now. I would be showing. I would be wearing maternity clothes, and tired, and moody...and that's just how it should be. I would know now if I was having a boy or a girl. I would be painting a nursery (okay...maybe not yet....but I would certainly be dreaming up the perfect nursery!) For those that know me---I'd be shopping. That is for sure. I would be trying out the perfect double strollers. There is so much that I would be doing.
There are times that I feel like a family member is missing, and yet, it's a family member that I never saw. I never saw my baby. My baby was so tiny when it died. Masyn never cried, or smiled...
Anyway.... It's October 15th. And, I'm missing my baby. My "what might have been" baby. I know that I'm not alone today...
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.