LP & The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

So.........yesterday was a really bad mom day.

Seriously----remember way back when Gage was sick with a tummy bug & he puked on me & had diarrhea, and got dehydrated? I would trade yesterday for that day all over again.

Welcome to TWO. Temper Tantrum Two.
TWO= Toddler With Opinions.
Yesterday....it was filled with fit, after fit, after f*cking fit. Everything had to be a fight. His nap was 1/2 as long as he normally takes....and we ran out of milk. Word to the wise---when your child is 2, don't ever run out of milk.
So, that required a trip to the store. My child generally likes going to the store, and he seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemed like he was actually going to be cheerful for a little bit. So, I decided to do the nice Mommy thing, and take him to Marble Slab for an ice cream before groceries.
Two year olds apparently like sprinkles. He requested them with his ice cream. So, he gets a scoop of ice cream with sprinkles on top. He then tells me that he "Ona no like it. Mommy wash da ice cream." Which means, he no longer wants the sprinkles, and I have to pick them out if I want him to eat the $3 scoop of ice cream. Finally, the child takes 3-4 bites, and he calls it "trash", and throws it away.
Good job Mommy: money well spent, and little did you know---you were burning precious daylight good mood time.

So, we go to the store. He picks a buggy that he wants: one w/ those little plastic cars in the front. He hops in, and we start shopping. Things took a small turn for the worse in the produce section when I wouldn't let him eat the bananas before we paid for them. The soup section was a bit challenging, but as a parent, you really pick your battles. As I was searching the shelves for things that we need---Gage got out of the grocery cart, and loaded us up with Campbell's condensed soups. He got a kick of the little rolly dispensers, and just plucked them one at a time, and CHUNKED them into the shopping cart, busting open a container of wet dog food. (but, that last detail I didn't even discover until I got home & had wet dog food gravy coating other groceries. GROSS!) Anyway....like I said, there you pick your battles. I looked at his selections---'eh, we'll use 'em...." So, we moved on---needed yogurts b/c Little Mister Get My Way really does like yogurt. You seriously can't turn your back for a second. He was again, out of the cart, grabbing yogurts, popping 'em open, and suckin' 'em down. This is where our shopping trip took a DRAMATIC NOSEDIVE, and he spun out into a fit that was loud & embarrassing, and it involved him blocking the entire path in front of the yogurt display because he was laying on the floor, and I was in a skirt trying as best I could to pick him up...he would wiggle this way & that, so FINALLY I was able to snatch him up, and give him the stern talking to.... Yeah, that sh*t doesn't really work with my child. So, I took away an option for him. I told him that he could not walk or ride in the car part of the shopping cart---he has to ride up at the front kid seat with me. So, that was a fight just getting him in there because as I am lifting him---he puts his feet on the steering handle part, and like locked his knees or something. I don't know what he did, but clearly it was a battle of wills. He was damn sure that he was going to win that battle. Well....I finally get him in the seat, and then came the
S-C-R-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-M-M-I-N-G.
I was in the store maybe a total of 4 more minutes (not including check out...which is a whole different story) and he SCREAMED the whole time.
******On a side note: To all of you stay at home Moms who were there yesterday w/ your perfect little Stepford Kids, F*ck all of you. You know---a single kind word could have turned my day around. I got disapproving looks & eye rolls from all you. And from this point forward, every toast I drink to will include a secret little wish that all of your future offspring are TWICE as precocious as my child. B*tches.

Where was I? Oh---so we head to the checkout. I wait...and wait....while my checker, being the head-honcho that she is, sorts out the schedules of like 10 other checkers, who goes where, who is going to lunch when, and why Jasmine came in at 5, when on the schedule she was supposed to come in at 6, and what register will she be on? WTH? I want to see you multi-task. Get the hand a goin' & slide my sh*t across the scanner. Let's move it lady!

Gage is screaming & crying, "I want red."
Red what? His response: "Red Ebbberything." Great, he wants red everything. WTF does that mean? I'm looking around for red stuff at the checkout, and he wants NONE of it.

So, after learning that apparently there is a whole lot more to running the cashiers at the grocery store than I thought & racking my brain to buy Gage something red, it's finally my turn to be checked out. I hand the lady a yogurt that Gage opened & told her that he opened it. She looked at me(keep in mind, my kid is still SCREAMING) & said, "you're going to pay for this." It was not a question. She TOLD me that I was. Well, of course I was. That's why I brought it to the checkout to begin with. If I had no intention of paying for it---I'd have left the shit in the yogurt section.
But---whatever. So...she is checking me out---gets to the end, and I hand her my coupons. She rolls her eyes, scans my coupons, & gets to one---if you buy 10 of these things, then you get a free Triaminic cough syrup. I got the ten designated items, but forgot the cough syrup b/c that aisle comes after the yogurt aisle, and by then, my brain was fried. So, I aked her if I could just bring the receipt & the coupon back this week & get the syrup then. She told me to go get one right THEN off the shelf. Gage was screaming & crying & kicking so hard then, that he THREW UP. My hands are covered in vomit & I snapped back at that woman. "No. CLEARLY I'M HAVING A BAD DAY HERE. IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO ME. JUST FORGET IT & GIVE ME MY COUPON BACK." The register lady behind me handed me some sani-wipes to clean up the puke & my hands, and I just knew that any second now Gage would lose his voice from screaming & crying so hard & so long.

I pay for my goods, take them out to my car, and just bawled my eyes out as I loaded my groceries into my car. Gage then hopped up into the backseat, and refused to get into his car seat. So, I stood there. Crying. What was the hurry now? He was finally no longer crying, but suddenly I was. Feeling like a horrible mother who has NO IDEA how to manage her child. Looking at all of these ballerina-dressed-perfectly-behaved-little-good-girls & their moms. Feeling like all eyes were on me & how I was managing, or not-managing the situation. Finally, I told Gage, "I NO LONGER CARE WHAT YOU WANT, NOW YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT, & WHAT I WANT IS FOR YOU TO GET IN YOUR CARSEAT." I hoisted him in there, and strapped his little ass in. Pushed the cart out of my way (at this point, I didn't care about returning my cart to the proper cart return section), and I left. Crying.

From this point forward, if we just need Milk from the store, that's all we're getting.

So, on the drive home, Gage, who has finally stopped crying, says, "Mommy, look ah da trees. Mommy, Look! Look!" I look, and he says, "Da leeeeeeaves is faaaaaaaaaallling."
It was so cute. See, God does that. God makes them sooooo cute sometimes so we don't abandon them or wring their little necks.
At home, he found his foul mood again, but the fits were much shorter, and not nearly as big of a deal. We hid from Daddy before bath time. Daddy found us & Gage took a bath. He ate a banana for dinner (that's aaaaaaaaallllllllllll he would eat), we watched some TV, read about 5 books, and went to bed.

And today....today is going to be a much better day. I can feel it.