Life Is Just So Daily

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Difference....

Sometimes, I want another baby.
I mean, I really really really want to be pregnant, and feel a baby kicking inside of me. I want to be preparing a nursery, and I want to have another birth story. I want to see a little person that I've grown, and hold the baby & love it, and learn everything there is to know about this brand new little baby.

And then sometimes, I think that I am just missing the baby that I would be having. I was supposed to be pregnant right now, and by now I would feel the baby kicking. I would have a preggo belly & b*tch about maternity clothes. I would be telling Gage all about the baby & how it's growing. I'd be freaking out about a room being ready & all of those things that you feel like you just HAVE TO HAVE before the baby gets here. I'd be freaking out about getting everything done in the next few months, and preparing Gage to be a big brother. I'd know if Masyn was a boy or a girl.

So, I'm having a hard time knowing the difference between wanting a new baby, or just missing Masyn.

And sometimes I think I want to start trying again...
...and then sometimes I think it's not fair to get pregnant again when I would have been pregnant with Masyn. I know that doesn't make sense. In my brain I know that no matter what, I don't get a newborn this Spring, you know? But, in my heart it doesn't seem fair to grow another baby where Masyn should still be.

And my poor husband. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to wait forever. He's always wanted our children to be close in age. I always thought that I wanted to have our kids 5 years apart! But, when I unexpectedly was pregnant, it was new, and unexpected, and I was not necessarily wanting to be pregnant & have another baby in the middle of the school year, when Gage was just 2....but, at the same time...it was exciting, and fresh, and seemed so...just unexpected. And, just when I was getting used to the idea, and getting excited, it was...no longer joyous. It was sad, and taken away. And so now, I have a hard time knowing if I want to get pregnant again, or just miss Masyn.

I would have been around 26 weeks pregnant. Give or take a few weeks. They weren't really sure about how far along I was....but, in July, I was 8-10 weeks...

I'm rambling.

Gage is down for a nap, and I need to start homework.
But, that was in my brain & on my heart. I damn sure don't need to be watching all of these freaking TLC-having-baby tv shows.

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19 Comments:

At 12:17 PM , Blogger Jenster said...

You're not rambling. You're processing.

I know everyone is totally different so I don't tell you this as a "this is what you should do".

My mother delivered her first baby 2 months early back in 1954. Sherri lived less than two days. The doctor told my mother she could start trying again after six weeks.

She felt much the same way you do, however, she ended up pregnant soon after with my sister Terri.

At first she felt it was a betrayal to Sherri, but Terri brought she and my dad so much joy.

Fast forward 7 years. My mother was pregnant and miscarried. Within two months of the miscarriage she was pregnant again. With me.

Terri and I didn't lessen the importance of those other babies. But if those other babies had have lived, neither my oldest sister nor I would be here.

For what it's worth...

 
At 1:10 PM , Blogger Catizhere said...

EXACTLY JENSTER!!

The baby we lost? That void was filled with Will. If I had that baby, Will wouldn't be.

I tend to think more along the scientific lines that there was something wrong. It was nothing that I did or that God did. Somewhere along the line, one piece was not complete and therefore, the baby could not be.
I miscarried on July 31, and was pg again in October.

Listen to your heart. When you're ready to try for another baby, you'll know.

 
At 1:38 PM , Blogger Misguided Mommy said...

I THINK YOU PROBABLY WANT ANOTHER ONE! GO FOR IT, BESIDES YOU NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU TRY RIGHT

 
At 2:03 PM , Blogger Misguided Mommy said...

just be lucky that he doesn't talk about that, because i also married a man who calls me while he is on the toilet

 
At 2:28 PM , Blogger Dana said...

I am soo sorry about your loss...I am sure when the time is right you will know when you are ready for another baby. Sad : ( blog entry.

 
At 3:35 PM , Blogger Alissa said...

((hugs))

 
At 4:05 PM , Blogger Beth said...

turn the tv off girlfriend....it is your enemy right now. Those shows kill me...they make ME want to have another baby.

I say this...when your body and more importantly, your heart is ready for another baby...you'll know it. you'll be blessed with another baby.

 
At 5:01 PM , Blogger mpotter said...

i'm sorry for your pain.
i understand how it can be confusing. i'm w/ the others in thinking that you'll know when you're ready (or it, too, will be unexpected like masyn and another joy to behold)

i wish you the best of luck.

 
At 5:17 PM , Blogger Christy said...

That isn't silly at all. You miss your baby, and you're confused about the future. Have you talked to your husband yet?

 
At 5:32 PM , Blogger ~love said...

i love that you do just that...type exactly what's on your brain & your heart. whether it is a hilarious gage story or a post where you are missing masyn...i always appreciate your honesty & a "real" look at your life.

one of my favorite quotes:

"What your heart thinks is great, is great. The soul's emphasis is always right." Ralph Waldo Emerson

you will know...

 
At 6:05 PM , Blogger Pregnantly Plump said...

Those shows are killer. I was secretly glad when Cox moved Discovery Health over to digital and I only had to avoid TLC in the afternoon.
I think your heart will let you know when you're ready.

 
At 7:27 PM , Blogger gmcountrymama said...

I am sorry you are missing Masyn. When you are ready to try again, you will know. I wasn't even close to being ready for another baby until E was 4.

 
At 5:33 AM , Blogger Zephra said...

I think that even though you will hurt for this baby that will not be, you need to keep living. If you really want to try again, then do it. Maybe (and I do believe this) the soul of the little one lost, will come back again in this new baby.

 
At 7:36 AM , Blogger Patty said...

It's perfectly ok to miss Masyn.

It's perfectly ok to want another baby.

There is no betrayal if you are ready to try again now. Another baby celebrates LIFE and by that you can honor Masyn.

Masyn, as your child, would not want you and Damon to put your lives on hold especially if you want to have your kids close in age.

I hope I'm not saying the wrong things. XOXO

 
At 5:04 PM , Blogger Beth said...

I think when the time is right, you'll know. It's all about how you feel.

 
At 6:04 PM , Blogger Kate said...

Thank you for sharing this. I suspect that it's a little of both. You want Masyn and you want the new baby. It's okay. Maybe it's okay to not know for sure. As for timing, go with your heart. Two little ones close in age could end up being the best thing for you or a big gap could also be best. You'll never know, so just go with your gut.

Wishing you all of the best!

 
At 1:31 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

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At 1:33 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10:44 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

Thank you for sharing this. I've been reading your archives and think you're quite brave to share your stories about your surgeries, your pregnancy and your miscarriage.

I lost our first baby in August, just as my sister in law, cousin and another friend announced their pregnancies.

It's a struggle every time I see them, to think that I should have been showing by now and planning our nursery and finding a daycare and picking out names.

I haven't shared my story on my blog yet. I'm almost afraid to talk about it, as if it may jinx us as we start to try again.

Thanks again for sharing your story with such honesty and good luck in the future!

By the way, your son is adorable :)

 

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