Sometimes, I want another baby.
I mean, I really really really want to be pregnant, and feel a baby kicking inside of me. I want to be preparing a nursery, and I want to have another birth story. I want to see a little person that I've grown, and hold the baby & love it, and learn everything there is to know about this brand new little baby.
And then sometimes, I think that I am just missing the baby that I would be having. I was supposed to be pregnant right now, and by now I would feel the baby kicking. I would have a preggo belly & b*tch about maternity clothes. I would be telling Gage all about the baby & how it's growing. I'd be freaking out about a room being ready & all of those things that you feel like you just HAVE TO HAVE before the baby gets here. I'd be freaking out about getting everything done in the next few months, and preparing Gage to be a big brother. I'd know if Masyn was a boy or a girl.
So, I'm having a hard time knowing the difference between wanting a new baby, or just missing Masyn.
And sometimes I think I want to start trying again...
...and then sometimes I think it's not fair to get pregnant again when I would have been pregnant with Masyn. I know that doesn't make sense. In my brain I know that no matter what, I don't get a newborn this Spring, you know? But, in my heart it doesn't seem fair to grow another baby where Masyn should still be.
And my poor husband. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to wait forever. He's always wanted our children to be close in age. I always thought that I wanted to have our kids 5 years apart! But, when I unexpectedly was pregnant, it was new, and unexpected, and I was not necessarily wanting to be pregnant & have another baby in the middle of the school year, when Gage was just 2....but, at the same time...it was exciting, and fresh, and seemed so...just unexpected. And, just when I was getting used to the idea, and getting excited, it was...no longer joyous. It was sad, and taken away. And so now, I have a hard time knowing if I want to get pregnant again, or just miss Masyn.
I would have been around 26 weeks pregnant. Give or take a few weeks. They weren't really sure about how far along I was....but, in July, I was 8-10 weeks...
Gage is down for a nap, and I need to start homework.
But, that was in my brain & on my heart. I damn sure don't need to be watching all of these freaking TLC-having-baby tv shows.