Life Is Just So Daily

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pity Party....and You're All Invited.

The truth is: I'm struggling right now.
I've got this wave that has been coming on for...a little bit now.
I've been missing Masyn much.
God, I'm crying while I type this.

I'll get in my car & just cry by myself while I drive.
I'll rock Gage & just cry about the baby that I never got to rock.

I have these totally raw & unprocessed feelings of guilt. Today it's like I finally had all the little pieces to put together this thought, although it may be completely warped, but still it's like it had been scrambled in my head & heart & finally came together today...
I was too busy to even know Masyn was there. Too busy to notice.
I was too busy to know when Masyn died.
Where was I in that moment?
What was I doing in that moment?
How could I have possibly been so oblivious?

And this guilt about every day getting a little easier.
How can it be easier? Some days are easier. Sometimes I've thought---with everything going on with my husband's health & surgery after surgery...what if I had to go through all that with a 2 year old & a brand new baby? How awful would that be????? And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for thinking life would be harder right now with a brand new baby.

And now...Masyn would not be brand new anymore. Masyn would have been born in January or February. Probably February.

And while I'm visiting this topic, lets talk about regrets. In the grand scheme of things, I have many. I had no idea that I was pregnant with Masyn, so I was drinking & having a good ol' time. In fact, at my birthday party in June...a few people even asked if I was pregnant, but I just truly didn't believe that I was. I just had no idea. No idea. And there I was, partying it up.

Actually, in the above paragraph, I was going to cover 2 different, here goes: I had a d&c the day after I found out Masyn was not alive. I just had to see. I had to see what came out of me. I just needed to see. I saw a plastic container with the "products of conception" & the uterine linings. I saw no baby. The entire container was sent to a lab for pathology. In speaking with...goodness....who did I speak with? Did I speak with Dr.B's nurse? Did I speak with the lab people? I forget now.... but I distinctly remember the word "decomposed". They did pathology on Masyn. Masyn had already started to decompose. What I wish I'd asked for ahead of time: gender testing. Yes, I know, the sex organs may not have formed on my baby, but if the baby just literally came out in pieces with the uterine lining, and they were able to find it---surely.....surely they could have done SOME type of gender testing. I want to know---was Masyn a girl or a boy? I don't know. I just don't know. I feel like Masyn was a girl, but my reasons for thinking that are completely unfounded.

Moving on....another regret: why didn't I have Masyn cremated, or buried? Why didn't I speak up in that moment? I asked some pretty direct questions when I was in there getting ready for the grand evacuation---what will happen to my baby when this is over? I was told that everything would go to pathology & then be disposed of. I knew this. There is no delicate way to say that. There are no words of comfort in that. That was not Dr.B's fault. I asked a direct question, and he was so very honest with me about everything I wanted to know. But in that moment---why didn't I say "after pathology, can we have all of it cremated?"
My baby was discarded with medical waste.
like trash.
I let them incinerate my child with trash.
why didn't I speak up? why wasn't it offered? It probably wasn't offered because the baby's growth was so retarded to begin with. Everything literally crumpled & fell apart as it was being taken from me because my baby had been dead for so long. My baby was decomposing inside of me, and I didn't even know it. They probably didn't offer it because in the state of Texas, I think it's anything 500 grams or larger you have to bury or cremate, and Masyn was not 500 grams. I think it was just assumed that since there was no longer a unified body, it just wasn't something to consider or address.

...speaking of regrets, and speaking of Masyn. I've got something else that still bothersome. October. October is domestic violence awareness month. October is breast cancer awareness month. October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In honor of these things, this past October I made ribbons...tons of ribbons. I work in a hospital,you see, and we sport ribbons for all kinds of things. Pink for breast cancer, purple for domestic violence, and pink & blue for P&IL awareness. Prior to me making the ribbons & explaining their meaning, many didn't know about October 15th, it's significance, or the significance of the ribbon. I didn't mind sharing the meaning. Afterall, it was something important to me, and in society in general, it's not something that is so readily discussed like say....breast cancer awareness. So, I'm talking with one coworker at a table in our office, and she repeatedly told me "But THIS one is the most important." Referring to the pink ribbon. She said this in my face no less than 3 times, b/c each time I said, "I think they're all important." She is a breast cancer survivor. So, yes, I'm sure that to HER, the pink ribbon IS the most important. To me, it was not. And her statements....over & over & over again---insensitive. I don't think it even registered with her that what she was saying to me was hurtful & offensive. What I wanted to say: "Not to me. Your parents got to hold you when you were a baby. You had a childhood. You grew up. You got married. You had children. Compared to Masyn, you've had a pretty full life. My child got NONE of that. So to me, THIS pink & blue ribbon is the most important." But, I didn't say those things. And certainly I think that breast cancer is horrible, and I think we need to fund research...all those things. But, don't negate or belittle my experience and say that yours is worse. They are both horrible. Period. I suppose I could have shut her up quickly by saying, "You're still alive and I've got a dead baby." Or, "You fought the battle for your life, and I have a dead baby. In the end, ribbons are nothing compared to what we've been through." I suppose that would have been the nicer way to give us both credit for our experiences & send her the message to drop it...but no. I let it go. And why?
Why did I let it go if I still think about it being hurtful?
I dunno.

...maybe it's all because I'm having a pity party & in one of those "start crying & end up crying about everything that has ever gone wrong ever" modes.

But...I'll get through this.
And thank you to Jamie, who called me, and gave me a wonderful distraction from my old friend, Sadness. It was time for her to go anyway....

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At 7:55 PM , Blogger Laura said...

Sending you lots of hugs...sharing your tears...and wanting you to know my heart is with you and I understand your regrets at a very deep level...and I also encourage you to embrace this sadness, but also embrace the love and joy in your life. With your hubby's health issues and all other stresses, it can seem over whelming, but go look at Gage sleeping, see his chest lift and lower - his heart pumping...his heart full of love for you. Really look at Gage when he laughs - see the sparkle in his eyes - know that you love and protect him and that he adores you and all you do for him. The next time you hug Gage, take in a deep breath, smell him...that is the smell of love, life and promise...and gain your strength from your precious little boy.

Sending you hugs...and support.

At 8:35 PM , Blogger Life is Wonderful said...

That gave me chills. I feel for you....I don't have any good words or advice...but you are a very strong person and a perfect mommy to baby Gage!

At 8:52 PM , Anonymous Sabrina said...

I would love to give you some words of comfort or wisdom, but I don't have any. I'm just so sorry.

At 9:16 PM , Blogger shoeaddict said...

I am so sorry you are feeling sad. I know how hard it is to loose a child in miscarriage. It's terrible and I'm sorry you feel the way you do.

I understand what you are saying about cremation. I just think of it as flesh and souls. The most important thing, to me, is my baby's soul and that cannot be buried, trashed or cremated.

Thanks so much for sharing this.

At 9:38 PM , Blogger Reason to Rejoice! said...

wow....someone that i spent all day with carrying something so heavy and i didn't even stop to notice....i'm so sorry. i wore a pink and blue ribbon on october 15th and i didn't even know is an important day for me too. i think you're pretty special and i am so glad i have gotten to know you. again, i am sorry for your loss that you are feeling...even now.

At 10:16 PM , Blogger angie said...

Sending a hug your way!! I can't imagine the feelings you must have and I think you are entitled to a pity party if you so choose. One of my best friends says that sometimes she just has to make herself cry and while she is sad, it feels good to get it all out! And since it's a pity PARTY...remember that it's your party and you can cry if you want to! But know you have many friends thinking of you :)

At 12:26 AM , Blogger ~love said...

my heart just aches for you. i can understand your regrets about not asking for a cremation...but just want to encourage you to try not to go there. that is not masyn. she is free from that...she's in the wind...the bird's songs...the colorful flowers.... (i've always thought of her as a girl, too.)
i'm so sorry that you have to feel all this. i'm so thankful that you shared it though and can express it.
i'll come to your pity party any day. and wish i could have you over for a drink to cry it out. =)

At 4:22 AM , Blogger kim-d said...

I had tears in my eyes when reading your post. I do not know how you feel and I do not have any words that will make you feel better. What I do have, though, is empathy. My Mother died, my husband died, my Grandmother died. Awful. Worse than I could have ever imagined. And none of it...nothing in this world, in my worse than losing a child. Nothing. So you feel what you feel whenever you need to feel it, and just know that there are people who care. And next October 15 I will wear a pink and blue ribbon. I did not know about October 15 before, and now I do.

Take care...

At 6:55 AM , Blogger Zephra said...

Thank you for sharing what must be very hard for you to share. I hope by getting these thoughts out you can start to let go of the guilt. Better yet, you can realize that it is okay to let it go.

I have been struggling with this comment for several minutes, wanting to say something helpful but the truth is, I have no idea what you are going through. And it seems whenever a I start to type something, it sounds...wrong.

But you have helped me so much (and my Sister too) and if nothing else, I can say I am here for you if you need anything.

At 7:00 AM , Blogger Chas said...

I am so very sorry that you're feeling down. I don't blame you though, and I even understand. I don't know if you ever completely get over something like this. I've been through it myself, and I was never really comforted by anything anyone said. There's simply nothing that can be said, at least not for me. I pray that you are able to come to terms with the things you've mentioned in this post and stop feeling the guilt. God bless!

At 7:15 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

It's hard to keep this all in some days, isn't it? The guilt, the sadness, that empty space all seem impossible to deal with. You have expressed what I can't seem to find the nerve to say.

You have done an incredible job handling everything that has been thrown at your family.... a good cry is definitely a necessity at times.

Thanks for sharing and I'm thinking of you.

At 8:28 AM , Blogger kim-d said...

Thanks, Lainey...your prayers are much appreciated. I am so worried, and just hope they can find the source of the infection and get it taken care of.

You're in my prayers, too, girl. Take good care of you, and hug your Sweet Baby Gage a few extra times (if that's even possible!); that's the best medicine ;)...

At 8:48 AM , Blogger Misguided Mommy said...

i'm thinking about you. and sending you a hug. and i think, mothers intuition knows best. i bet masyn was a girl. i think she is there with you now. I also think you did go through everything recently with a 2 year old and a new baby. She was right there with you the whole time. helping you and giving you comfort and strength to handle these last few weeks. in fact, i bet it was even her who provided you the much needed comic relief with the whole hubs placed in the camera hospital room.

At 8:51 AM , Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Sweetie, I'm so very sorry. I understand these feelings so well, and I'm so sorry that it has to hurt so very much.

Let me know if you need anything, okay?

At 10:11 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Lainey, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You have so much on your plate as it is. I know your pain and feelings of regret.

Sending you love and peaceful wishes.

At 12:26 PM , Blogger Beth said...

Sometimes you just have to give in to all those unhappy feelings, those regrets - and have a good cry. Keeping it all inside is so hard to do.
But there's nothing wrong with each day getting a little easier. It's how we survive.
Be kind to yourself and take care, you sweet "girly-girl."

At 12:31 PM , Blogger ~melinda~ said...

hey there, i'm guessing that writing down all of that bottled up stuff made a bit of a difference, even if not immediately. writing about it has to give you sense of peace-- knowing you can express outwardly what has seemed internally chaotic for quite a while. (rambling??...perhaps. i'm good at that).

i'm so sorry you're sad but this will get better.

At 2:55 PM , Blogger Stacie said...

really, what do I say?


Pain runs deep when you lose someone you love.

At 6:08 PM , Blogger Christy said...

I am so sorry Lainey. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, but I am so sorry for your loss.

At 7:09 PM , Blogger Papa Bradstein said...

That one coworker...did you pin a ribbon to her lip?

You can do that this October.

At 8:48 PM , Blogger Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry that you are suffering so. I am thinking of you, I will think of Masyn tomorrow as we have a birthday/deathday celebration for Kalila. She would be six if she had lived.
I have an idea of the pain you are going through and I pray you will have relief from your regrets. There is just nothing you could have done.
You are in my heart today,

At 4:22 AM , Blogger Chris H said...

We all live with regrets, big and small, it's just a sad part of life. I have no words to really help you with this one mate... time heals is really all I can say. {{{BIG HUG}}}

At 9:32 AM , Blogger Not So Perfect said...

Sharing in your tears and your loss. October 15th will be a date I will remember in honor of Masyn. Thank you for sharing your story you have touched many lifes with your words. Thinking of you and your family.

At 10:09 PM , Blogger Kate said...

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. I send lots of good thoughts, prayers, and hugs. And any time you feel rotten and want to share, go for it. I hope the catharsis helped at least a little.

At 8:28 AM , Blogger Pregnantly Plump said...

I am so sorry. It is definitely not your fault that what happened, happened. I know that me saying that won't change the guilt. I also hate that you didn't get the closure you needed. Maybe you could have a burial ceremony anyway? I don't know. I want to offer help, but maybe instead you just need people to listen. I know I get frustrated when people try to solve my problems, when I only want them to listen.
You and Masyn are in my prayers.

At 7:02 PM , Blogger Ann(ie) said...

OH sweetie. I know how this feels first hand. And there are days it's so first and foremost on your mind it's hard to shake the sadness. Just matter what...we're hear to listen and support when you need to talk. xoxoxo.

At 11:05 AM , Blogger Alice said...

Hey, thanks so much for visiting my blog and leaving such a nice comment! I've been looking through yours a bit, and this post really touched me. I'm so sorry for your loss. There is a wonderful blog out there written by a mom who recently lost her baby in the seventh month. I think it might be really comforting to you. Here's the address:

Again, thanks for stopping by my blog! Take care!

At 3:23 PM , Blogger Barrie said...

Feeling sad and down is fine and, I think, a good idea. I can tell you, though, having been where you are, you will be okay. In time. xo.


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