Life Is Just So Daily

Sunday, July 29, 2007's Sunday.

It's....almost 9 in the morning. Gage is driving cars on the window sill in the living room....Arthur is playing on TV (a cartoon that I had no idea that my child had ever seen or liked....) Daddy is sleeping in this morning.

So, back to our date night on Friday. We went to the Cheesecake Factory by Northpark. If you've just had a miscarriage, might I point out that it is 2 store-fronts down from the maternity store. Yes, I noticed as we crossed the parking lot to go into the restaurant. No biggie.... So we sit outside on the patio b/c the weather was nice. Well, not thinking---I am facing the bulk of the parking lot, and more specifically, the direct path one would take to enter the maternity store.
Okay....I did not want to be what I called "that girl"...."that girl" had a miscarriage, and now cannot look at another pregnant woman...gets jealous...can't seem to move on, etc. So, we're there at the table....kind of people watching....looking around....and then it's like my body had a physical response to these pregnant women who seem to be intentionally parading their visibly pregnant bellies in front of me out of spite. Now---I realize that all of that is not true. They are not intentionally trying to make me feel bad--they don't know me--it's not like they can really hide their bellies---they are just going to a specialty shop to buy clothes for their expanding bodies. They are all probably excited about their baby, and they have every right to feel that way. So, my thoughts were completely irrational, but I just kept looking at their round baby-filled bellies thinking, "it's not fair. why are they still pregnant, & I'm not? Statistically speaking, it had to happen somewhere, but why here? why to me? why to my baby? it's just not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!" ...and then I was crying.
And then----I didn't want to be "that girl."
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did toward the other pregnant women, b/c every baby deserves to be excited about, and although I wasn't directly wishing their baby harm---I felt guilty for thinking "why me instead of them."
And I felt weird for crying in public.
And I felt bad for crying on our date-nite.
I just felt bad.
So, it was weird & very very very unexpected, and then it was over.
And it makes me think about my cousin Jason & his wife...they are due in January. Our baby probably would have been due in January or February. So of course, on the day I found out---I called her to tell her that we are pregnant together, and we were both soooooo excited. So now I think---she'll have her baby, and I won't have mine. But, I don't find myself being jealous of her at all. I just find myself feeling weird when I see pregnant strangers.

I don't know....maybe I'm weird.

I just figure that in time, this too will fade. It won't be so new & fresh.

So....we came home from the date. And on the way home---"dammit! We should have gotten Megan a piece of cheesecake." That's strike #1 against us. I'm cashing in on a babysitting promise that Megan (& others!) made back when I was pregnant with Gage & then Gage was first born. So, the least I could have done was bring her cheesecake. We totally suck as "people to babysit for." And, that's not the only reason why. The whole plan for us to go out really came about late afternoon/early evening on Friday, and then she was here by, upon review the next morning, I realized that we didn't have good babysitter snack foods. Megan heated up a mini-quiche for dinner, and I'm sure it was fine---I mean, I purchased it b/c clearly I was interested in eating it at some point, so it's not like she only had crappy food to eat....but, I'm just saying. I think when we have a babysitter come---the pantry & fridge should be stocked with a wide variety of fun snacks....some healthy options, and some totally junk-food options...

We're new at this. The next time....we'll make sure that we either order a pizza, or stock the pantry with a better snack selection. It just seems to be good babysit-situation-etiquette. We fell short. We'll do better next time.

Gage totally loves Megan. I need to google "toddler tees"+"I LOVE MEGAN"....just to see if there is one for sale in cyberspace somewhere before I take to making my own.
Gage & Megan danced & played "twucks" for 2 hours while we were gone. He got to stay up late, and I don't think Megan ever ran out of energy for him. Megan learned that Gage does NOT like to wear pants when he's at home. Out in public he tolerates them & doesn't seem to comment on wanting to take them maybe he realizes that it's not socially acceptable to fraternize without pants while in a public place.... But at home...he's just not having it. So, when we left the house, he was wearing a t-shirt, shorts, socks & shoes. When we got home, the outfit was gone, minus the t-shirt. Instead of his pull-up, he had his night-night diaper on b/c Megan said he was starting to slow down & she thought bedtime would be around the corner (she was right....) So....I noticed that the diaper was on backwards! I just laughed & laughed. She has no children. It was soooo funny to me, b/c you just don't realize what type of details you should provide to another when they watch your kiddos.
So, I didn't tell her which part of the diaper is the front, and which is the back.
That made me think: how did she cook her quiche? I didn't tell her how to work the oven. (which to me---it's all digital & you have to tell it to do what you want it to do, and then push start for it to execute the operation...which is really way too much button pushing...) Did she use the microwave...which is very self-explanatory (I think), but goodness....I haven't cleaned out the inside of the microwave in 2 weeks! I hope she figured out the oven. I think it's cleaner.

Anyway....I think Friday night was a success.

So, Susan & David called on Saturday interested in babysitting Saturday night...which was also soooooo sweet. Told her we'd take a rain-check b/c we'd had a pretty good family day involving washing the dog outside & Gage playing in the sprinklers....and Scooby Doo! So, we were just going to hang in last night.
Besides...she's leaving town today for her Board Reviews, and I just don't think she really wants to spend her last night in town for a week babysitting for me. (Although I think David was perhaps secretly looking forward to Chuck E. Cheese if it could be worked out at all... David, I promise: we'll invite you next time.)

Alas, I must get off this laptop of mine.
Gage is begging to play foot-base-ball. (picture this: green plastic baseball bat, but he's lost the baseball, so he wants us to throw the football while he swings at it. It's fun.)

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At 9:25 AM , Blogger Misguided Mommy said...

we play a lot of base foot ball and base bounce ball and base donut ball and so house is always destroyed

At 9:38 AM , Blogger angie said...

it's ok to be thinking those's an emotion that you can't really control at the moment and it's not like you were screaming your thoughts at them. Remember everyone deals with things differently and I think you are dealing with your situation the way that works for you.

At 4:46 PM , Blogger Kate said...

I think that sometimes for those of us without kids, figuring out the oven really is easier than figuring out diapers and such. I've been taught about how the characters are at the top of the front of the diapers and other useful tips. :)

Don't beat yourself up so much about having a hard time seeing pregnant ladies. This just happened.

At 8:21 PM , Blogger Pokey Puppy said...

My sis was prego and due just months before i was. Just remember.. if you are there.. or whenever you go to see her little one.. its okay to go outside and cry your eyes out... i almost hypervenalated because i didnt think it was okay to feel what i felt.

At 7:08 AM , Blogger Anonymouse said...

I know how you feel. It sucks.

That's the most comforting thing anyone has been able to come up with for me. Hang in there.

At 1:54 PM , Anonymous my minivan is faster than yours said...

Sorry about your miscarriage. I, too, have been there :(

I agree with the woman who just said, "It sucks!"

At 6:54 AM , Blogger Patty said...

Your feelings are totally normal. I can say that I felt the same when I broke up with a boyfriend and then saw a couple all lovey-dovey. I would think why them? why not me? It's totally normal and I can tell you eventually it will go away!

Feel your feelings no matter what they are. You owe yourself that much =)

At 7:37 AM , Blogger CBM said...

Pregnant women in general didn't continue to bother me after the initial shock waves dissipated. But I had a very hard time being around pregnant women who were due about the same time I would have been. Even MONTHS later, I still couldn't bring myself to go to a baby shower for a friend whose baby was due the week before mine. And being anywhere near her baby just about undid me, even when she was several months old by that point. Eventually you live beyond those "anniversaries" and it's no longer all-consuming. I don't think I'll always be upset by children who happened to have January 2007 or May 2007 birthdays. It's just really hard at the beginning. But it will get easier as time goes by.

Don't feel bad about your feelings. They are part of your healing process. Allow them when they come. It is healthy.


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