5w3d: Your Baby Today {and my crazy thoughts.}

A front view of the embryo: the head region is bent downward so that the central nervous system can be seen. The tube-like structure in the head region is the developing spinal cord.
(From: http://pregnancy.familyeducation.com/first-trimester/5-weeks-3-days.html)

From what I've read online, the baby's heart starts beating this week.... How wonderful.

So, we have our first ultrasound next week.
I'm kind of nervous.
I'm excited, but I'm still kind of nervous.
I've been that girl who goes in expecting wonderful news, only to hear that there is no heartbeat. You can't erase that moment, and as much as you try to stuff that into the back of your mind, it creeps back in. So, I'm a little bit afraid of that. Not to mention that the nausea has kind of dissipated since the Chinese food incident. So, it makes you question---why is that going away? Then I reassure myself that it's not just going away. I'm eating more frequently, and I'm kind of grazing all day.
I just also kind of fear that all of these symptoms are being caused by all the extra hormones they have me on....

But, I'm still tired all the time. I can sleep 8+ hours in a night and still need a 2 or 3 hour nap during the day. That's good right???

I dunno.... I need to stop over-thinking it.

Damon and I will go for our sono next week, and we will find out how many babies are in there. We will hopefully see the heartbeat.
....and another fear: what if we don't because it's too soon?
...what if we see two and then have a vanishing twin, because that's more common than people realize, and the feelings about that can be so complicated and I don't want to go there....
I am a bundle of nerves.
I have been so excited and just DYING to get this ultrasound, but I find myself growing fearful as we get closer to the date.

...then I think: it's better to know something than just wonder and have your mind race through a million different scenarios.

...and then I think: we put two in. What if there was one that split and we get triplets? What if they both split and my husband loses his damn mind---because he will. He will flip the f*ck out right there in the room if they see four heartbeats.... But, my friend, Rose, reassures me that she has absorbed the triplet statistic for me. What are the chances that it would happen to her, we would become friends, and then it would happen to me? Well, I don't know what the chances are but I'm guessing they are pretty slim.
Rose, if you get a text from me reading, "I'll see your triplets and raise you a baby," just know that I may be freaking out in Texas, okay!? Then, I feel guilty for thinking that I wouldn't want triplets or quads if that what was in the plan for me. I worked so hard for this, so why not appreciate each blessing?

...then, there's the thought of it being one baby. One single baby. A dear friend and my husband both asked me over the course of this week if I will be okay if there is just one baby. I initially thought, "Of course. I'm so grateful to be pregnant, that whatever happens is perfectly fine with me!" But then---what if I'm not? What if I'm not delighted? What if that's how I feel now, but in the moment, I feel disappointed because of the novelty of twins, and knowing that we put TWO embryos in, and that will mean that one didn't make it?

See how conflicted and neurotic I am?

Hubby, if you've read this: here's why I don't talk to you about this stuff---I don't want you to think I'm crazy. I know I'm a little bit crazy. Hell, you know it too. But, I don't want to make your head spin in a situation where there is no solution. Time will continue to pass and my mind will continue to race until we have the ultrasound. Then we will have the ultrasound, and we will have some information; good, bad, or ugly---at least we will have some information. From there, we can formulate a plan. From there, we can deal with it. From there, I will likely fill my head with different stuff to worry about, and the neurotic cycle will continue.

This may be the longest pregnancy ever.
{which is a hell of lot better than the alternative.}