Isnt this week over yet?

Okay, so we had our dr's appointment yesterday, followed by a sonogram. Every time I go in there, I secretly hope they are going to say, "Oh, all these problems you've been having, no problem! You're really just pregnant." So far, that hasnt happened.

Cyst gone. That's good right? Well, Dr. is concerned about some "questionable" activity on the past two sonograms & the continued pain. Says he cant make any kind of diagnosis without laprascopic surgery to go in & take a look at what is going on. Says it could be a whole laundry list of various problems...too many to name. The ones he did name were Ovarian Cancer & Endometriosis. He says he can do a blood test called a CA-125, & it is designed to test for ovarian cancer. He says it is not very reliable because there are too many other diagnoses that can render a false positive--one of which is endometriosis. He says that from all the symptoms I've described, his gut feeling is endometriosis, but he cant be sure without the surgery.

So now--some people are saying to get a 2nd opinion before any type of invasive procedure. I dont know if I want to do that. I have a 10 year history with my doctor. If I went in to some other doctor, who did not agree with my doctor--I really dont think I'd trust the new guy. I'd think, "you dont know me. you dont know this body. he's seen me for 10 years!" So, I just think--what's the point of a 2nd opinion if I already know I'm not going to trust that doctor???
And, is it better to be safe than sorry? If the term "ovarian cancer" is tossed out there, and it has VERY few symptoms until it spreads--shouldnt I just go ahead & have this done so he can check them out?
Obviously something is going on because it freaking hurts. And, I pray that they go in there & just find out that something is twisted around backwards or something. I dont want endometriosis. I REALLY dont want cancer, but I think that's just one of those things he's trying to rule out.

Why is it that I f*cking knew this kind of sh*t would happen. I want a baby more than I want air in my lungs. I want to be a mom more than I want an worldly item. I just feel like I was born to be a mom. I have wanted this since I was a little girl. We thought we were pregnant, and we werent. Damon was disappointed along with me (which, kind of surprised me--seeing how he likes everything to be planned just so....). Now this sh*t. Damon doesnt understand when I feel like I'm ready. When I feel like I have a narrow window of opportunity to have children & that every day that we wait the window is slowly closing... I have to wonder....is this that biological clock that OLDER women talk about??? Why on earth do I feel like this now??????

There is a girl that I work with who just found out that she's pregnant. She's not married. Was/is not prepared for motherhood. She was just too lazy to use birth control. Now she's pregnant. Then there's me. I want to be, and I'm not. I thought I was, but I wasnt. Let me rephrase that...I was hoping that I was pregnant & I wasnt.
This girl--oh...she's picked a winner to father her first (& she says only) child. He's quite a bit older than her. Has 8 children. That's right. 8. Can you even imagine how busy you must be to have 8 children? Now, of course they are not all by the same woman. And, of course he doesnt have custody of any of them...so we could safely say that he has assisted in the creation of 8 human beings. I dont know enough to comment on his fathering skills.

I'm jealous of her being pregnant.
I'm having a hard time being patient. (so one could argue that I'm not very virtuous).
I'm going to have the surgery.
I've got to schedule the surgery. Scheduler says she cant find my chart (I'm on the phone with her right now.....your call is important to us...please continue to hold...) Chart is on Dr's desk....he's in the office with a couple....she'll call me back when she can get her hands on my chart.

Okay, so that is the status on that.

...just sitting here...
...she still hasnt called....
...Oh, found out that insurance will pay 80% of the surgery since I already met my deductible. Whoo-hoo. I wonder how much 20% of this is going to be. I wonder if you get to wear your wedding ring into surgery. I know that they say 'no jewelry', but isnt a wedding ring kind of an exception. I dont care--they can scrub it in with iodine, but I kind of want to wear it...

Random thought...yesterday, Damon went in with me for the sonogram. I thought he was going to pass out. He was as pale as a ghost. He hates hospitals. I work in one, so it's no biggie to me. I remember when we were first dating, and he wanted to have dinner with me, but I had to work. I told him that he could pick something up and come to the hospital. He agreed. What a trooper. I had no idea at that point that I was asking him to do the near impossible. So, he went to Boston Market & got me some veggies (yum, yum!) and came to the ER & we ate in my office. Well...it was more like he watched me eat. He was pale, lost his appetite. I knew something was wrong. That's when he apologized, excused himself, and called me from the parking lot to tell me how much he hates hospitals!

Anyway...I need to get a little work done now.