Bike Rodeo

My son is awesome.
AWESOME.

I am so proud of him. Beyond proud.

In memory of his cousin, Allen, he organized a bike rally/rodeo/safety event with the help of his School Resource Officer.

Back story to all of this: he started at a new school last year. It was the school's first year to be open, and he had a new principal. We were at a Meet-the-Teacher type of event, and Gage was with us. The Principal made the comment that he welcomed students to meet with him about ideas that they have and then he kept right on speaking about things. When his speech was over Gage informed me that he believed he'd like to "take a meeting" with Mr.P, and discuss his ideas for a bike rodeo at the school because he has seen so many of his peers riding their bikes to school without helmets.

{Seriously? He was 7 at the time that he first decided that he needed to make a difference with his peers.}

So, I emailed Mr.P and kind of told him where Gage's heart was coming from and requested a meeting. Gage asked that I be there for the meeting because he was a little bit nervous. No problem...

So, that was at the start of the 2nd grade year. Well, that year came and went. It really was a busy year for the school and everyone figuring out the path for this new elementary. The bike rodeo was put off for a year, and that's okay.

2014 was the year for the 1st of many annual (we hope!) Bike Rodeo for Gage's school.
This first one was a learning project for us. Next year will have fewer kinks and hopefully be a bit more fluid, but still, the event was AWESOME.

We had our local DPS officers there with their fire engine and various patrol cars. We had a bike registration where you could register your bike with the DPS so that if it's lost or stolen, it can be returned to you. We had a bike safety station where bolts could be tightened and brakes checked....and all of those things that go along with road-readying a bike! We had a helmet fitting station where helmets were checked to ensure proper fit and if you did not have a helmet, a helmet was provided to you by: OUR SON, GAGE! We had stickers provided to be placed on the bike or inside of the helmet. They are specialty CHAD stickers, which stands for "Children Have An iDentity." They will help law enforcement/EMS quickly contact next of kin/family in the event of an accident. Parents don't always think about such things---but when these types of incidents happen away from parental line of sight, children can end up in the ER as Jane/John Doe. Scary thought, and yes, sadly, in my line of work, I've seen it happen quite a bit, actually.

Anyway----it was off the charts amazing to be THIS kid's mother:

At our station, Gage distributed a paper that he had previously typed (with my help) that told the story of how Gage had a cousin named Allen who was hit by a car while riding his bike to school. He expressed how he hopes his peers will take his experience, and use it as a reminder to wear a helmet EVERY TIME they are out riding.

He tells me that it just made him sad when he started at his new school and saw so many kids riding their bikes and scooters to school without helmets. He would tell me that they didn't have helmets or just didn't know how important it was to wear one. (My very wise little guy!)

At our station we fitted helmets and distributed helmets, along with Gage's printout. We also gave everyone reflective stickers for their bikes and helmets. 

Here are some pics from the set up and event:

(above: riding bikes over various surfaces)

The former educator for whom the school is named even attended the event. Gage was THRILLED. She's like a celebrity to him. He loves seeing her out and about. He loves seeing her at church. He's so cute with her.

During the Bike Rodeo, the SRO (School Resource Officer), who was a driving force in this fun-fest,  gathered the kids and taught them the various hand traffic signals. They went on a safety ride with a DPS escort and learned about the importance of walking your bike in the cross walks. This excursion also gave them an opportunity to put the hand signals into practice. It was pretty special...

...and the return:

After that, it was time for the drawings! Every child who attended the event got a ticket for a drawing. The mega-prizes: one boys bike and one girls bike. Other drawing items included gift cards to restaurants, private parties at an indoor trampoline park, store gift cards, and the like. Several items drawn for right then and there and announced. Bike drawings: announced the following Monday morning on the school news report that's live and plays in all of the classrooms. (I wasn't there for that part, but I knew at the end of the event who won the two bikes and it made me happy! Also, the SRO took pics of the winners with their bikes and that made us happy too.)

It was a well attended event, and I couldn't be more proud of my son  for getting himself out there---getting his message out there, and trying to make a difference in this world.

For anyone who has known my son for any great length of time, you know how painfully shy he used to be. Life has brought him so far. He just amazes me sometimes. May I never forget the moment I stood in my kitchen and just cried because I felt so proud of my son, and so grateful to God for allowing me to mother him. My son is not perfect, but he's mine. I love the person that he is, and I am so hopeful about the little gentleman that his becoming.

2nd Day of School, 2014. BIG Day.

BIG day.
Huge.
Bigger than the first day of school.

Why?
Because Gage got to ride his bike to school.
This is huge to me for so many reasons.

He's waited to ride his bike to school.
He knows the way.
He's worked on bike safety.
Helmet is a must.
He must walk his bike through the cross walk.
Watch for cars.
Look both ways.

Oh My Goodness---my baby's riding his bike to school!

So, he rode with two of his buddies. Others have asked me, "Did you follow him to school!?" No, I did not. Why? Because the other mom did so I was off the hook! Yaaaaaay! Not that I didn't want to---it's just that Gage did not want me to, and I was wracking my brain about how I could creep along without being noticed. Wanting to give him that independence, but not really. Well, the other mother rode along and sent me a text that all went well.

I had peace that day knowing that he got to school safely because I got the text. But, I started worrying about the next morning. When Allen was killed, he was riding his bike to school. I cannot forget that. It's a detail that just IS....and it's a part of me now. Although Gage's school is at the end of our street, I still worry. I worried that he would leave my home, not have any photo ID, if something were to happen to him between my house and the school, I wouldn't know until I got the phone call from the school that he'd missed the 2nd attendance check. That give a bad guy like a 2 hour head start! That's not comforting! That's freakin' scary!
....and then I check myself.

I can educate my child about bike safety.
I can require that my child wear a helmet, and explain why it's so important.
I can educate my child about stranger danger.
I can have my child travel in a group. Safety in numbers!

I will not let my worries and fears stop my child from developing a healthy level of independence and responsibility. I will do everything within my power to protect my child, but allow him room to grow and experience some of the freedoms his peers are afforded. While the ripple effect of Allen's death affects us, and is a part of us, I cannot let it prevent my child(ren) from moving forward.

Day 2 of school was a BIG deal at this house.

As school dismissal time approached---Eliette and I waited in the front yard until we saw him. It was the best thing we saw all day!

You know I hugged that child and didn't want to let go. No shame in my game.

17.

"Your absence has gone through me
like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color."
~W.S. Merwin, "Separation"

Allen would be 17 years old today.
17.
 
I was a freshman in college when he was born. I was at Tulane University in New Orleans. Melissa & Jessica(W) may remember such a fun and exciting time in my life. I wanted so badly to make the flight to North Carolina to be there with my mother and sister right when he was born. No such luck. I ended up back at home in Texas, and my luggage was in North Carolina. Nobody was at home with me. My grandparents picked me up at the airport. It was kind of a crazy time.... 

I returned to school after the weekend, and didn't get to meet him for a few more weeks. 

Allen, I first held you at DFW airport. You were so tiny and beautiful and I wanted to cry and just hold you forever. I wanted to study every tiny detail about you, right then and there. I was already in love with the very idea of who you would be. I wanted to soak you all in....to smell you and hear you and kiss you and snuggle you. 

I am so very thankful that I still have such vivid memories of that evening. It was a Friday night when I met you. What can I say? Friday seems to be my day....so many important things have happened in my life on Friday nights.... So many good things. 

I love you, and miss you, and cannot wait to see you again. I don't know what Heaven is really like. I picture everyone as having a job to do...I don't know why I envision it that way....but I just picture peace, and harmony, and unity toward a greater good. And for some reason, I picture you, Allen as some integral part of a 'welcoming committee' of sorts. Isn't that odd that my mind constructs it this way? I picture Riley on a playground. Always on a playground. I picture Masyn there too, in a perfect baby whole-ness, with angels all around. 

Sometimes, I mentally take a break from the missing-you-anger-and-grief, and find myself thinking, 'he's the lucky one.' You are now in a place where I believe there is no pain, no suffering, no burdens of sadness for you, and you're with God. Why would I possibly want anything different for you? My own selfishness. My own guilt. My own wanting of a single second to tell you that I love you, I have loved you since the moment you were born, and to pile on a million 'I'm sorries' for anything and everything I failed to say or do or give in the right moments of your life, or those moments that I took you and your presence for granted....

I just love you, and want you to know that, just one more time... We are spending another one of your birthdays without you. 
I wish it were different.


"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."
~Lamartine

After Camp Drop Off....

Eliette and I actually stayed there at Camp Darnin for the first day of camp. Daddy was out of town, so we didn't have anything to rush home to, and this way we got to visit more and make sure Gage was down with staying there for the whole week of camp....

Pawpaw got E to sleep, just like she likes....the way Daddy does it at home. He's gotten her so spoiled. But truth be told, I know Eliette likes it.... Daddy likes it...and I'm sure Pawpaw liked it!

Come Tuesday morning, Darnin took Gage to camp, and Eliette and I were going to get out and about after we woke up good....
Ummmm.....whoops!

No more cradle....right???

That morning, we were soooooo lazy..... It was WONDERFUL!

Sleeping...and nursing....and sleeping some more....

Even when we got up and dressed, someone was STILL tired!

...but oh-so-cute!

We packed up, and I took her to Allen's grave before we left town. We spread out a blanket, and just....lounged.....and nursed....and talked to Allen.
:)

Someone put this neatly tied rosary on his temporary marker.... I found it quite interesting to just think about the work that went into making that.....





Then we hit the road headed for home. We left Gage there in Tyler for Camp Pine Cove and Camp Darnin. Fingers crossed, and we hoped for the best!

Our Alleniversary....

That's our word around here for the date that Allen went to Heaven. {Well, it's the word Gage and I use for today....}

I told my mom that I'm just boycotting today. My mind can't help but go there, but I'm just not wanting to dwell on it and live out my day in a state of sadness. I don't want to wallow there, if that makes any sense. I just feel like I want to wrap myself in a heavy blanket and not let all of that in....but it comes from inside, and I can't help but look at the clock and turn back the clock one year....
...he'd just be waking up....
...he'd decided to ride his bike...
...he had no idea what was coming....
....the accident had happened now...
etc. etc.

So, this is not going to be some long, drawn out post about his death, or that day, or what I was thinking then..... I just miss him, and all of the details are in my head and I want this reality not to be true....

Sweet boy.....
....we just miss you.
Love,
Nana

Easter....

I'll get to the happy parts of this Easter....but I would be remiss if I didn't address the underlying dread and sadness that I had about Easter.

Allen loved Easter.
He loved the family getting together. He loved to hide the eggs for the little ones. And the last time I saw him was Easter Sunday, 2012. That was 8 days before he died. 8 days. I had no idea. We couldn't have known, you know? I still remember the feeling of his hug in my mom's kitchen as I said goodbye.

Last Easter, we had a reeeeeally awesome Easter. Our friends, James & Jess & their boys went down to Darnin's with us. We all went to the zoo in Tyler. We ate a lot. The guys fished. The kids fished. There was a big Easter Egg Hunt at Darnin's church, and then one in her backyard. It was a wonderful, wonderful time. I am so very thankful for that.

And now that day has come & gone, one year later. Technically it was April 8th, 2012, and we still have that date upcoming....but it was the holiday. It was the family gathering. It was the sharing and being together. It was a wonderful time when everything was okay.

Here recently I was looking for some pictures to finish out a hallway photo frame project (which I swear will never be done....), and I came upon so many pictures that I have memories of, but forgot the pictures existed....

Oh my gosh, I just miss this boy....

And on Easter this year, we all kind of dreaded it coming, knowing what kind of point of reference it was for us. I got a wooden bunny and some eggs for Allen's grave. Mom got a cross of lilies. No headstone yet, but I was glad Mom decorated it for Easter. I know he would have liked that....

So, while Easter 2012 was a wonderful weekend, I still can't bring myself to post more details or pictures from that weekend. Everything is different now, and everything is changed. I know that my desires to have him here in this world with us are selfish. I know that. Mom says it's just human nature.

It's also odd to pair this grief and loss with the new life growing inside of me, and that excitement that comes with it. But, such is life. Allen would be excited. I know he would. He adored Baby Chris and was such a great big brother to him, and I just can't help but feel like Allen got to Heaven and pulled some strings for us to make this all work out.... Maybe it's weird for me to think that way, and thank him in that respect....but I do. Right or wrong, I feel this way....

So...first Easter without Allen, done.
....but for him, I can only imagine what Easter in Heaven must be like. How wonderful that must be for him.

This Day....

This day is fragile,
soon it will end.
And once it has vanished, 
it will not come again. 
So let us love,
with a love pure and strong,
 Before this day is gone...
 
(Lyrics from 'This Day' by Point of Grace)


On this day, this boy would have turned 16....

He would have gotten a blue truck from Dad. He would have gotten it either this past weekend, or maybe even today if Dad was off work. He would be driving now. He would have finished driver's ed classes, and he was so excited about learning to drive, and having that level of independence. Though the thought of him being old enough to drive....Oh my.... The reality of him never reaching that milestone hurts even more.

Allen, I love you and miss you.
I hope you heard us singing to you this morning.
That was Gage....you know that.
We talked about what your birthday must be like in Heaven.
We decided that your "Allen-iversary", or "Homecoming", or whatever you call the date of your death....well, we decided that in Heaven that must be a bigger party.
...and then we decided that means that there is a party EVERY DAY in Heaven.
Sweet boy, I hope there is...
...and I hope that today is a happy day up there.
No pain. No hurt. No sadness. No fear. Just happiness, and love, and a party....

Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy.
Love,
Nana

New Year....

...
Out with 2012, in with 2013.
I'll blog about how I spent the day...how I spent the evening....how I spent the night, and woke up in a new year.

What you won't read about here: resolutions.
I'm over them.
In 2011, I was so eager for 2012...to put Mom's cancer behind us, and we were really starting down the path of procedures to get pregnant. I remember on 12/31/2011, I got my first official-this-is-it-smiley on my ovulation predictor kit. It was go-time. One call to Dr.B, and a time was set. We were off for our first IUI! (Intra-uterine-insemination) I was so excited and hopeful for 2012, and I just couldn't wait for 2011 to end.

I had no idea what 2012 would bring. The good.... The bad.... The ugly.... The unknown. I just knew that it would be different, and in my mind, it had to be better.

Yes....2012 brought us some wonderfully good: this new pregnancy and hope for a life with our daughter. A feeling that our family will soon be complete.

...but there is this part of me that just didn't want to let go of 2012. As if 2013 has something horrible to offer....It's like my outlook on the "different" and "unknown" that this year has to offer...well, I just feel unprepared to face. I know it all has to do with letting go of the numeric link of "2012" with the year that Allen's life ended. In my mind, I can logically comprehend how every day ticks by, and it's been one day longer that we've lived without him. But, for the year to change---for that number to be different----it just doesn't feel right. Maybe that's because at times I still feel like it just happened. I can still remember his voice. I can picture the way he would shrug something off and intentionally give the impression that something was no big deal. I can feel his hugs. I can literally close my eyes and feel his arms around my waist just like they were at Easter.

...and now I'm crying.
It's always just below the surface. I just stuff it down so often, and then when I open the door to let a little out, it's like a flood busts the door open....

Anyway....I used to have these dreams that were very unsettling to me. I haven't had any in a while....not to say that it means or doesn't mean anything.....but I used to have these dreams that he would come to me and he was constantly telling me that things were "unfinished." I could read the word in my dreams: unfinished. I don't know what it means....unless it's that there is this legal stuff hanging in the air, unfinished. Or is it my internal acknowledgement that his little 15 year old life was unfinished? His education: unfinished. His baseball season: unfinished. His transition during puberty: unfinished. His whole little life was unfinished, and that just makes me so sad and angry....

...then I try to comfort myself with thoughts of Heaven and how whole and complete he must be now. How his level of understanding of larger things beyond my current comprehension must just be so fulfilling to him. ...and though I want those things for him, I want so badly to just have him back here to continue high school where he loved going... to learn to drive.... to get Dad's blue truck that he was planning to give him.... to see him continue to travel internationally and appreciate different cultures and different values, and just find his place in the world.... to find a girl who would love him for who he was and would love him the way that he would surely love her.... I just selfishly want all of those things....

...and so....as I was trying to stifle all of these thoughts and feelings as the new year approached, I read in my Jesus Calling book for 12/31: "My abundance and your emptiness are a perfect match." It is not to say that my life is empty, because it certainly is not. But to deny that the void exists is denying reality.

I am so very grateful for the life I have. I am so very grateful for my family, and the unborn child I am so fortunate to carry and feel every day.... I am so very grateful. But, I'm not going to promise to eat less fattening foods or do more yoga, or any of those valiant-effort type things.... I'm just going to face 2013, and whatever it brings: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

....and to end this vent/outpouring/tirade/soul-spilling on a positive/funny note: May the baby I birth in 2013 not be the "ugly" I just previously mentioned!

---------------------------------------

So, now....how DID we spend 12/31/12:
* wrapping up a sleepover that Gage had the night before (just one guest).
* heading to Eatzi's in Dallas (OMG, I miss Eatzi's now that we don't live around the corner!)
* napping on the couch
* playing Monopoly with my guys.
* In bed....by or before 9pm. Put on a movie for Gage in our room. I was awakened by Hubby and Gage at the time of the ball dropping for a NY kiss.

Fun story about the ball dropping ceremony and my first experience with this. When I was little, I remember my mother describing the event to me for the first time. It was on the TV. "This crystal ball is going to drop at midnight." Something was said about buying a piece/owning a piece of this ball after the ball drops at midnight.... each piece was "expensive." Yada yada yada.

What a disappointment to watch that thing slllllooooooooowwwwwwwllllyyyy be lowered to the ground. As a child, when I dropped something made of glass or crystal, the shit hit the ground and exploded. I could not WAIT to see this huuuuuge crystal ball hit the street and shatter. What a joke....
I've never really felt that the whole ball dropping thing was all that spectacular after my first completely disappointing experience with it. I have no idea about the history there or if it would change my opinion of the tradition. I also, as a child, didn't really think about how dangerous/deadly that situation would be if someone were to just drop and shatter a large crystal ball like that in a crowd of people. I wasn't really going there mentally...I think I just wanted to see it shatter and see nobody get in trouble for it!

So, anyway....here are our pictures from NY's Eve.
....and I feel better after having a good cry tonight.

 Goodbye 2012.
2013 is here whether I'm ready or not.