Out with 2012, in with 2013.
I'll blog about how I spent the day...how I spent the evening....how I spent the night, and woke up in a new year.
What you won't read about here: resolutions.
I'm over them.
In 2011, I was so eager for 2012...to put Mom's cancer behind us, and we were really starting down the path of procedures to get pregnant. I remember on 12/31/2011, I got my first official-this-is-it-smiley on my ovulation predictor kit. It was go-time. One call to Dr.B, and a time was set. We were off for our first IUI! (Intra-uterine-insemination) I was so excited and hopeful for 2012, and I just couldn't wait for 2011 to end.
I had no idea what 2012 would bring. The good.... The bad.... The ugly.... The unknown. I just knew that it would be different, and in my mind, it had to be better.
Yes....2012 brought us some wonderfully good: this new pregnancy and hope for a life with our daughter. A feeling that our family will soon be complete.
...but there is this part of me that just didn't want to let go of 2012. As if 2013 has something horrible to offer....It's like my outlook on the "different" and "unknown" that this year has to offer...well, I just feel unprepared to face. I know it all has to do with letting go of the numeric link of "2012" with the year that Allen's life ended. In my mind, I can logically comprehend how every day ticks by, and it's been one day longer that we've lived without him. But, for the year to change---for that number to be different----it just doesn't feel right. Maybe that's because at times I still feel like it just happened. I can still remember his voice. I can picture the way he would shrug something off and intentionally give the impression that something was no big deal. I can feel his hugs. I can literally close my eyes and feel his arms around my waist just like they were at Easter.
...and now I'm crying.
It's always just below the surface. I just stuff it down so often, and then when I open the door to let a little out, it's like a flood busts the door open....
Anyway....I used to have these dreams that were very unsettling to me. I haven't had any in a while....not to say that it means or doesn't mean anything.....but I used to have these dreams that he would come to me and he was constantly telling me that things were "unfinished." I could read the word in my dreams: unfinished. I don't know what it means....unless it's that there is this legal stuff hanging in the air, unfinished. Or is it my internal acknowledgement that his little 15 year old life was unfinished? His education: unfinished. His baseball season: unfinished. His transition during puberty: unfinished. His whole little life was unfinished, and that just makes me so sad and angry....
...then I try to comfort myself with thoughts of Heaven and how whole and complete he must be now. How his level of understanding of larger things beyond my current comprehension must just be so fulfilling to him. ...and though I want those things for him, I want so badly to just have him back here to continue high school where he loved going... to learn to drive.... to get Dad's blue truck that he was planning to give him.... to see him continue to travel internationally and appreciate different cultures and different values, and just find his place in the world.... to find a girl who would love him for who he was and would love him the way that he would surely love her.... I just selfishly want all of those things....
...and so....as I was trying to stifle all of these thoughts and feelings as the new year approached, I read in my Jesus Calling book for 12/31: "My abundance and your emptiness are a perfect match." It is not to say that my life is empty, because it certainly is not. But to deny that the void exists is denying reality.
I am so very grateful for the life I have. I am so very grateful for my family, and the unborn child I am so fortunate to carry and feel every day.... I am so very grateful. But, I'm not going to promise to eat less fattening foods or do more yoga, or any of those valiant-effort type things.... I'm just going to face 2013, and whatever it brings: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
....and to end this vent/outpouring/tirade/soul-spilling on a positive/funny note: May the baby I birth in 2013 not be the "ugly" I just previously mentioned!
So, now....how DID we spend 12/31/12:
* wrapping up a sleepover that Gage had the night before (just one guest).
* heading to Eatzi's in Dallas (OMG, I miss Eatzi's now that we don't live around the corner!)
* napping on the couch
* playing Monopoly with my guys.
* In bed....by or before 9pm. Put on a movie for Gage in our room. I was awakened by Hubby and Gage at the time of the ball dropping for a NY kiss.
Fun story about the ball dropping ceremony and my first experience with this. When I was little, I remember my mother describing the event to me for the first time. It was on the TV. "This crystal ball is going to drop at midnight." Something was said about buying a piece/owning a piece of this ball after the ball drops at midnight.... each piece was "expensive." Yada yada yada.
What a disappointment to watch that thing slllllooooooooowwwwwwwllllyyyy be lowered to the ground. As a child, when I dropped something made of glass or crystal, the shit hit the ground and exploded. I could not WAIT to see this huuuuuge crystal ball hit the street and shatter. What a joke....
I've never really felt that the whole ball dropping thing was all that spectacular after my first completely disappointing experience with it. I have no idea about the history there or if it would change my opinion of the tradition. I also, as a child, didn't really think about how dangerous/deadly that situation would be if someone were to just drop and shatter a large crystal ball like that in a crowd of people. I wasn't really going there mentally...I think I just wanted to see it shatter and see nobody get in trouble for it!
So, anyway....here are our pictures from NY's Eve.
....and I feel better after having a good cry tonight.
2013 is here whether I'm ready or not.