Easter....

I'll get to the happy parts of this Easter....but I would be remiss if I didn't address the underlying dread and sadness that I had about Easter.

Allen loved Easter.
He loved the family getting together. He loved to hide the eggs for the little ones. And the last time I saw him was Easter Sunday, 2012. That was 8 days before he died. 8 days. I had no idea. We couldn't have known, you know? I still remember the feeling of his hug in my mom's kitchen as I said goodbye.

Last Easter, we had a reeeeeally awesome Easter. Our friends, James & Jess & their boys went down to Darnin's with us. We all went to the zoo in Tyler. We ate a lot. The guys fished. The kids fished. There was a big Easter Egg Hunt at Darnin's church, and then one in her backyard. It was a wonderful, wonderful time. I am so very thankful for that.

And now that day has come & gone, one year later. Technically it was April 8th, 2012, and we still have that date upcoming....but it was the holiday. It was the family gathering. It was the sharing and being together. It was a wonderful time when everything was okay.

Here recently I was looking for some pictures to finish out a hallway photo frame project (which I swear will never be done....), and I came upon so many pictures that I have memories of, but forgot the pictures existed....

Oh my gosh, I just miss this boy....

And on Easter this year, we all kind of dreaded it coming, knowing what kind of point of reference it was for us. I got a wooden bunny and some eggs for Allen's grave. Mom got a cross of lilies. No headstone yet, but I was glad Mom decorated it for Easter. I know he would have liked that....

So, while Easter 2012 was a wonderful weekend, I still can't bring myself to post more details or pictures from that weekend. Everything is different now, and everything is changed. I know that my desires to have him here in this world with us are selfish. I know that. Mom says it's just human nature.

It's also odd to pair this grief and loss with the new life growing inside of me, and that excitement that comes with it. But, such is life. Allen would be excited. I know he would. He adored Baby Chris and was such a great big brother to him, and I just can't help but feel like Allen got to Heaven and pulled some strings for us to make this all work out.... Maybe it's weird for me to think that way, and thank him in that respect....but I do. Right or wrong, I feel this way....

So...first Easter without Allen, done.
....but for him, I can only imagine what Easter in Heaven must be like. How wonderful that must be for him.