F*CK! F*CKITY-F*CK-F*CK!

OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD.

So, I walk through the den after a particularly rough afternoon with Little-Mister-No-Nap....you know, he refused a nap all day, and his behavior got soooooooooo horrible, then I reluctantly put him down for a nap at 4:45 b/c it's a Friday....

I walk into the den to see that Gage, who shall now be known as "Random-Crayon-Boy" has colored all over the F*CKING FURNITURE.





I think I know when this happened.
See, earlier we had cabin fever. While I was blow-drying my hair, things got quiet. Checked in on Gage. He had gotten his crayon box from the kitchen & two coloring books. He was in his room coloring. I expressly told him that we ONLY color on paper. When we returned from the mall, I saw that he colored on the hardwood floors in his room. No biggie, since I was able to get most of it up with a baby wipe, and I know that I can get the rest up with the Magic Eraser. I put the colors up, and was talking to him about not coloring on the floor, and told him that he will not be able to use his colors again for a week. That's the deal. [To note: like he really cares. He colors once in a blue moon...but hey, I was trying to put my foot down!]
Anyway....after the mall, I was stoked about my shower gel deal, and we were tooting around here. I tried to put him down for a nap. didn't work. Finally, things got so bad starting around 4:15....so at 4:45, he went down for a nap.
As I'm walking from his room, into the hallway, and then into the den---I see a random blue crayon on the den room coffee table, and he's colored on the glass. I leave the room to fetch cleaning supplies. When I enter the room again from a different angle---that's when I see it: HE HAS COLORED ON THE DAMN COUCH.

This child may never see another crayon until the first day of Kindergarten.

Hubby JUST steam cleaned the den furniture because: we are giving them to our neice, Jordan, for her apartment. She's going off to College Station in a few months, and this is kind of her "graduation/first apartment" gift. Yes, I know it's hand-me-downs, but it has sentimental value to me (my first "living BY MYSELF" apartment furniture, and I bought it with one of my first paychecks from my first career job), it's in good condition, and it's so cute. ...or at least, I think so. So anyway, it's supposed to be Jordan's any day now, and it was JUST CLEANED.

I'm afraid to steam clean it b/c crayons are made of wax. I'm afraid of smeering the blue pigment everywhere.
UGH.

I need some Calgon.