Life Is Just So Daily

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Just Barely Resurfacing.

Right now, there is so much locked up in my head, that I want to get out.
I feel like the dam could break any minute, and it would come rushing out, and I wouldn't be able to stop it.

...but somehow, this place is an easy place to purge and I find it cathartic.

I am a big mixed up ball of emotions.
I'm angry.
I am so very fucking angry.
I am sad. Like I just have this new undertone of myself: sadness.
I am judgemental and blame-throwing.
I have things that swim in my head that I want to say, but don't because they would hurt other people, and I actually don't know the cost of making such remarks...
I'm just a mess.

I'm an absolute mess.

And then I busy my hands, and I escape into the laundry and housework and mindless tv. And when I snap back to reality, nothing is changed except that the world has moved on when I don't want to.

And today---I dropped my phone. And it's just black/dead/whatever.
What's on that phone?
Some pictures, but most important to me: the picture of his little hand in the ER. By the time I got there, he was already dead, but as hard as those moments with his little broken body were, I wouldn't trade them for anything under the sun. I held his right hand at Easter time when we sat in the woods and talked about stuff. I held that same right hand in the ER the day he died. And, I held that same right hand and kissed it as much as I could before he was buried. Notes from Nana are tucked into that same right hand. {He's called me "Nana" (Nonna) since he was a baby-baby.}

I've clearly got to head to the AT&T store.
I was waiting on my husband to respond to my email about dropping my phone, but since that hasn't yet happened, and in the midst of typing this post, I've realized what was on that phone. I have to go. Now.

Ricardo at the AT&T store saved me!
Phone is back and fine and everything is there.
And, we're getting a home phone.
It will be set up Friday.
Why? Because not having my cell phone made me instantly think that something terrible might happen and nobody could reach me. That's why. I had a moment of panic, and at least when the home phone gets set up, I'll have a back up phone option.



At 9:13 AM , Blogger Beth said...

Anger is normal. So is venting. So is being a mess.
How do we bear the unbearable? Somehow, we just do.

At 10:04 AM , Blogger Pregnantly Plump said...

I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

At 11:27 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

My cousin passed from cancer the day of Hayden's party. The loss of a young life or any life is hard to understand. I don't think it gets any easier but it sounds like you have a lot of terrific memories to help get you through it. If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on come on up the street.

At 1:22 PM , Blogger Stephanie and Jeff Stovall said...

Ugh. Just now catching up on your last few blog posts. I am truly sorry for you and your family's loss. You have endured so much devastation and sadness with your family over the last several years, I cannot imagine how you are able to cope with so many heartaches. You are obviously so strong, I don't know how you do it. I guess that's what makes you such an amazing social worker. You really can relate to anything and almost everything. Stay strong and prayers will definitely be sent your way!

At 6:33 AM , Blogger mpotter said...

all the best in healing from this tragedy.
may you be wrapped in love by your family during this difficult time.

it's okay to feel all the feelings you have. enjoy the warmth of the memories you can keep forever.

that, truly is a blessing that some people lack the capacity for.
you're doing well!
keep it up.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home