Life Is Just So Daily

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

To Share, or not to share? That is the question....


A new baby.

It's been discussed around here.
It's been argued about around here.
Then the argument got really ugly, we weren't sure what the original point of the disagreement was about, and we abandoned the issue(s)....until we were able to clarify what we were each fighting for, thinking, etc.

That was a few weeks ago...

I've had a few weeks to process everything since then.
And think about things, and think about WHY I want things to be the way that I want them to be.

How do I want them to be? Private. A surprise.
[so, um....why the hell are you bloggin' about it, right?]

I just think this: when we decide to try to get pregnant again...I don't want all of our family & friends to be all informed the way it was when we were trying to conceive Gage. Not that it was a bad thing---because it wasn't. And, I'm a talker. I'm one who shares, sometimes whether you want me to or not.

But, since then, we've lost a baby during pregnancy.
Since then, Hubby's undergone multiple surgeries & ultimately had to have 2/3 of his prostate removed.
Since then, the entire manner that any future children will be conceived will just be DIFFERENT.

So, I look at the WHY I want things to be different...
....somehow, it just feels different.
It feels like something we need to do together, and get through together, and then maybe tell people after the fact.

With my pregnancy with Masyn, it was such a surprise, and then just so....short.

With Gage, it was well-planned, waited for, and then finally it happened. It was no surprise to others when we got pregnant. "Of course you're pregnant. You've been..." [well, you get it....]

The whole "timing" thing is in our hands.
Or is it?
The whole "it was such a surprise", or "it just happened" is totally gone.
I mean, I didn't happen to show up at Dr.B's office after taking fertility drugs & fall on a pipette of my husband's thawed out sperm that just happened to be shipped from the cryo-bank. Ya know? It doesn't "just happen" that way.

So...there's the whole element of timing.
We've got that figured out.
Somehow agreeing upon when we'll start this whole process...well, it's like lighting the pilot light for me. Since we've agreed upon our start point, it's like I just wish I had this giant remote control for life to just get me there.

Still on the subject of timing: there's the whole looking for just the right time... and then the comments of "it'll never be the right time"....well, okay. But, if the actual timing of it all is somehow in my control, will others judge me, thinking, "gosh, in the midst of all this, they choose NOW to have a baby?"
Not that it's anyone's business....

Still on the subject of timing...I am fooling myself if I really think I get to even control this aspect of everything...I mean, I get to designate the "start" point...or rather, "WE" do. I can't do a damn thing by myself. The random news about that: if Hubby dies, his sperm becomes my "property" & I could have more of his kids even after his death. Isn't that weird?????????? I think it's so weird. But, maybe that's just me, and me not being able to fathom that situation of Hubby not being alive.
Anyway...with what we're going to try to get pregnant (when the time comes, which I can assure you is not now, or I wouldn't be talking about it....), IUI, there's only a 20% chance of conceiving. But, that's still going to be our first step. IUI with drugs (to increase our chances). It's the most minimally invasive that may work for us.

What if it doesn't work?
How many times will we try it before moving onto something else?
WILL we move onto something else?
I don't know.

Hubby's point of view: why not tell people who are important to us about what we will be going through? when we lost our pregnancy, the support of family & friends was helpful? why not share this excitement with them, and lean on them at times when we may need them?
*****I have to admit that WEEKS after our initial conversation, his points were well articulated & sincere, and maybe aren't just, you know...horrible ideas.

Anyway....that's been on the front burner around here.
I'm....both excited & extremely nervous about trying to get pregnant again.
The reality is: it won't be super easy for us to get pregnant. It's going to be expensive. And sometimes babies die. I'm just completely terrified of going through that again.

So....I don't know if we'll be sharing, or not sharing.
We're not starting any time soon, I promise.
I still have some school know, if I want to graduate any time soon.... and I'd really like to be done with school before a new baby arrives!
And, probably not a good idea for me to be hopped up on the emotional roller coaster of fertility drugs & TTC during my internship....especially if it's with a local adoption agency (which is what I think I want to do for my internship....)

Anyway....this has just been up for discussion & on our minds & hearts lately....



At 4:26 PM , Blogger ~love said...

i understand what you're saying about to share or not to share. it does really take a lot of the eventually excitement out of the announcement, but you do almost need support knowing what you're up against.

i wish you the best. the plan for our families isn't always exactly what we thought....but it is always just as it is supposed to be. blessings to you and your cute little family!!

At 5:51 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

Confusing as hell, isn't it. :)

At 6:39 PM , Blogger Misguided Mommy said...

thank you so much for sharing even this much. I had actually been wondering how it would all work out after all of hubbies issues this year. We did the fertility route for a while...and honestly it was easier not to tell people in hind site becuase then they are constantly asking if it worked yet, do you know, how are you, and trying to share their stories. i think it might be better to keep it intimate and private. although i totally cant wait to know when you are pregnant so I can send baby goodies.

hugs love!

At 7:23 PM , Blogger smallmoments said...

I have to say that after we went through fertility issues I will be just as undecided as you are if we decide to have another baby. Part of me needed to blog about it and talk about it and have people know. I needed the support. But...just like misguided mommy said...people are always asking if you are pregnant yet. And even though you need the support it is really hard to keep telling people, "no...not yet...but we are trying." It just brought up all my sad and horrible feelings that my body was broken and we had no idea if the drugs would work. Fortunately they worked for us and we have two wonderful baby boys. But, if it hadn't worked, I don't know if I could have continued having people ask me how it was going.

It seems as though my body has gone right back to my anovulatory state which means that more than likely I will not be ovulating and if we do want to add a 5th person to our family of 4 we will have to go through fertility drugs or more again. I am not sure that I am ready or willing to do that again. And I am pretty sure, like 95% sure, that if we do choose to go that route I won't be announcing it here on the internet until after the fact. In fact the only people that will probably be privy to that information will be our parents (because I tell my mom everything and I couldn't do it without her support).

So...all of this is to say that I can understand how you are feeling. And I would say maybe a compromise is in order. Tell a few select people, like your mom and/or your closest friends. Tell them you don't want it spread around what you are doing but that you need them to know so you have some support. The meds made me crazy and emotional and it is nice to have someone besides your husband to lose it with. two cents there. I wish you the best of luck with it and I will be sending out prayers and good thoughts for you! :)

At 7:23 PM , Blogger smallmoments said...

P.S. That was really long...sorry! I guess I should have just emailed you all of that! :)

At 8:10 PM , Blogger Steph said...

You are so amazing and strong. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to share and to keep things private. I imagine it is tough to go through. I think that people around you would respect that and understand. You need to do what is best for you and your family and that is the bottom line.

I do with you nothing but the best and will send lots of prayers your way for when your time for trying does some. xoxox

At 8:19 PM , Blogger Chris H said...

Hmmmm... I think you should do what feels right for you.... and good luck for when you do start to try!

At 10:03 PM , Blogger shoeaddict said...

I know that it's hard to decide what to do. Hard to figure out what is the very best thing for everyone.

I always think that telling people gives them the chance to give their input which is not always a good thing. It's not always bad either but, well, you see what I mean. Right?

I hope that you can make a decision that you and your husband are happy with.

At 6:48 AM , Blogger Zephra said...

I have been trying to find the right things to say and have typed and erased several times. I can't seem to shape my thoughts into the right words. So I will say that I wish you the best when the time is right. 20% is low but I remember when my Sister was going through all her stuff Her chances were just about as low. I have seen it happen when it should have been near impossible.

Your need for privacy is totally understandable. While your husband will be part of it, everything will pretty much be happening to you and your body. It is a lot to put out there.

At 7:03 AM , Blogger Robin said...

What you choose to share is YOUR business. But know that when and if you share it, I am sure the people you love will be right there to support you!
I will be praying that it will not take as long as you think-and God knows the timing-timing that is right for your family.
I am so thankful that God brought me to your blog-Thank you Lainey for allowing me to be a part of your life.

At 7:53 AM , Blogger Aubs said...

Definatly a tough one to decide on.....and i haven't been in your shoes so i really can't say much to help. What i will promise is that I will be praying for you and your hubby! ::Hugs::

At 4:36 PM , Blogger Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

It is a lot to think about. I understand a bit about the feeling of having people judge you or being up in your business. Family does that.
I am sure that you will make good choices as you go along. And don't forget to reach out for support if you need it.

At 5:38 PM , Blogger Dysd Housewife said...

I think you are right. It is definitely personal, and not everyones business. AND on a totally seperate note, be ready for multiples, I have a friend who did the IUI with drugs, and she has TWO sets of twins.

At 6:32 PM , Blogger Pregnantly Plump said...

I think that's a very understandable decision. We opted not to share the first time until after Little Elvis was a reality. That's how we plan to do the second time as well.
I didn't want to deal with the questions... even if people meant well.

At 8:35 PM , Blogger angie said...

Definitely understandable to not want to share with lots of people. I see hubby's point about having the support around you, but maybe if you just tell them...we would like your support but not the endless questions! We'll let you know when and if it works! I think close family and friends would be very understanding of that!

I will definitely be excited to find out when you are having another little one! I don't know though...I think that first one might have broke the mold :) He's just too stinking cute!

Defintiely thinking of you :)

At 8:29 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"fall on a pipette of my husband's thawed out sperm that just happened to be shipped from the cryo-bank" HaHa!

Whatever you decide, your internet friends are here for ya.

At 10:45 AM , Blogger Christy said...

I waited until I was almost 20 weeks pregnant with both of my kids before I made the announcement. I have no idea why I waited so long.

Well, whenever you get started, I wish nothing the best for you guys.


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