To Share, or not to share? That is the question....
A new baby.
It's been discussed around here.
It's been argued about around here.
Then the argument got really ugly, we weren't sure what the original point of the disagreement was about, and we abandoned the issue(s)....until we were able to clarify what we were each fighting for, thinking, etc.
That was a few weeks ago...
I've had a few weeks to process everything since then.
And think about things, and think about WHY I want things to be the way that I want them to be.
How do I want them to be? Private. A surprise.
[so, um....why the hell are you bloggin' about it, right?]
I just think this: when we decide to try to get pregnant again...I don't want all of our family & friends to be all informed the way it was when we were trying to conceive Gage. Not that it was a bad thing---because it wasn't. And, I'm a talker. I'm one who shares, sometimes whether you want me to or not.
But, since then, we've lost a baby during pregnancy.
Since then, Hubby's undergone multiple surgeries & ultimately had to have 2/3 of his prostate removed.
Since then, the entire manner that any future children will be conceived will just be DIFFERENT.
So, I look at the WHY I want things to be different...
....somehow, it just feels different.
It feels like something we need to do together, and get through together, and then maybe tell people after the fact.
With my pregnancy with Masyn, it was such a surprise, and then just so....short.
With Gage, it was well-planned, waited for, and then finally it happened. It was no surprise to others when we got pregnant. "Of course you're pregnant. You've been..." [well, you get it....]
The whole "timing" thing is in our hands.
Or is it?
The whole "it was such a surprise", or "it just happened" is totally gone.
I mean, I didn't happen to show up at Dr.B's office after taking fertility drugs & fall on a pipette of my husband's thawed out sperm that just happened to be shipped from the cryo-bank. Ya know? It doesn't "just happen" that way.
So...there's the whole element of timing.
We've got that figured out.
Somehow agreeing upon when we'll start this whole process...well, it's like lighting the pilot light for me. Since we've agreed upon our start point, it's like I just wish I had this giant remote control for life to just get me there.
Still on the subject of timing: there's the whole looking for just the right time... and then the comments of "it'll never be the right time"....well, okay. But, if the actual timing of it all is somehow in my control, will others judge me, thinking, "gosh, in the midst of all this, they choose NOW to have a baby?"
Not that it's anyone's business....
Still on the subject of timing...I am fooling myself if I really think I get to even control this aspect of everything...I mean, I get to designate the "start" point...or rather, "WE" do. I can't do a damn thing by myself. The random news about that: if Hubby dies, his sperm becomes my "property" & I could have more of his kids even after his death. Isn't that weird?????????? I think it's so weird. But, maybe that's just me, and me not being able to fathom that situation of Hubby not being alive.
Anyway...with what we're going to try to get pregnant (when the time comes, which I can assure you is not now, or I wouldn't be talking about it....), IUI, there's only a 20% chance of conceiving. But, that's still going to be our first step. IUI with drugs (to increase our chances). It's the most minimally invasive that may work for us.
What if it doesn't work?
How many times will we try it before moving onto something else?
WILL we move onto something else?
I don't know.
Hubby's point of view: why not tell people who are important to us about what we will be going through? when we lost our pregnancy, the support of family & friends was helpful? why not share this excitement with them, and lean on them at times when we may need them?
*****I have to admit that WEEKS after our initial conversation, his points were well articulated & sincere, and maybe aren't just, you know...horrible ideas.
Anyway....that's been on the front burner around here.
I'm....both excited & extremely nervous about trying to get pregnant again.
The reality is: it won't be super easy for us to get pregnant. It's going to be expensive. And sometimes babies die. I'm just completely terrified of going through that again.
So....I don't know if we'll be sharing, or not sharing.
We're not starting any time soon, I promise.
I still have some school obligations...you know, if I want to graduate any time soon.... and I'd really like to be done with school before a new baby arrives!
And, probably not a good idea for me to be hopped up on the emotional roller coaster of fertility drugs & TTC during my internship....especially if it's with a local adoption agency (which is what I think I want to do for my internship....)
Anyway....this has just been up for discussion & on our minds & hearts lately....