Forgiveness...

Today I am having a hard time with something...
Forgiveness.
Something(s) that happened a while ago, but today it's just fresh, like it just happened.
Something that I've said I was over, that I've pretended to be over, but it randomly just hits you and makes you feel so incredibly inadequate & not "enough".

I know that I'm really skirting the issue. That's deliberate.

Has anyone said something so hurtful to you that it seems to change who you are?
Nobody should have that kind of power over someone else...but when you love someone, and they say or do (or in this case, both) something that just seems to rock your foundation....it's like you cant help but be affected. And even your own reaction to the situation surprises you. Like you examine yourself and ask, "What happened to the person I used to be? Why am I tolerating this? Where is that strength that I thought I had...that I used to have?"

And then, when they apologize, or try to take it back...it's too late.
You can't "UNHEAR" what they said.
You can't "UNSEE" what you've seen.
You can't "UNKNOW" what you know to be the truth.

So today, that's where I am. Trying to forgive because it is the right thing to do. Trying to forgive because the actions/behaviors are no longer there. Trying to forgive, but thinking, "the only reason why the actions are not there is because of fear, not because there is a genuine lack of desire for said actions".
I'm trying to forgive because I am not perfect, and I would want to be forgiven when I've done something wrong.

I just hope that I've never said anything to someone that I love so deeply---that would rock their foundation, or make them question who they are...or who they've become.