Homecoming....

Well, this year we attended the Tyler Lee vs. Rockwall football game in Tyler. It was Tyler Lee's Homecoming, and Mario's Senior year. I asked Gage if he wanted to go to the game. "Who are they versing?" was his question. Who are they 'versing'? How funny is that? So, I told him that it was against Rockwall. I don't really think that he cares who the 'versing' team is, he just wanted to know.

Clearly, we would be cheering for Mario.
Sadly, they got their a$$es handed to them.... but that wasn't the point.

We went to the game. PawPaw was a "Blow Pop," and we filled up on concession stand food. Could it have been any better? {Well, yeah, if they had won....} Gage was exposed to the Texas tradition of Homecoming Mums and Garters. We were both exposed to how far the whole Homecoming procession has gone.... these guys/gals arrived on cars, rolled around the track, and finally had a crowning. We didn't have all that when I was in high school.

Anyway....here are some pictures from the game...
PawPaw took Gage down to help with the inflatable helmet, and Mario was right up front leading the football players, so as they kind of rallied there about to come out, he talked to Gage and gave him five...that kind of thing. It makes Gage feel so cool and so special. He just adores Mario and thinks he is the coolest thing of all time.

It was fun, but it was kind of sad and weird at the same time. We didn't really talk about it, but I know we were all thinking about it. Allen should be here. Where would he be sitting? Probably not with us, but with his friends. Where are his friends? I would look at the student section and wonder where he would fit in the crowd. Would he have a date to the dance this year? Would he go with his friends instead? It was just...weird. The wondering. The sadness of knowing that with dances in the past he would ask girl after girl and be told no for whatever the various reasons. How sad is that? That's not really something I've talked about here. Obviously, I adored the child, but he was small for his age, and often he was socially awkward with girls his age. He wasn't the most popular kid but he was smart, and he was loving.

...anyway....

Not long after the accident, the biking community erected a "ghost bike" near or at the scene of the accident. I haven't seen it in person. I haven't been to the scene at all. At times, I think about it, and think I'd like to just---see it. But, then, I don't want to at all. I will wonder exactly WHERE it happened. WHERE did his little head hit? WHERE did he start dying? And there will be cars driving over every bit of road as if it never happened. The cars will swoosh by, and the lives of strangers will go on, and the world will keep spinning, and I just don't want to see that..... I don't want to feel that. Which, kind of brings me to another topic, and I'll get there in a minute....
Mom had a garter made for Allen's ghost bike. Allen took particular pride in his garter from the previous year....his Freshman year in high school. So, this would be his Sophomore year....

So, the "other" topic I was getting to. Recently at lunch, a friend of mine and I were talking about Allen and the accident, and how I'm coping. She said that I seem to be doing well with it....and at times, I think I am. And then, there are times when I'm all alone, and I just lose it. And I finally said aloud to another person that I think I'm just kind of stuffing it away, and maybe not dealing with it.

We were gearing up for IVF and the ball was rolling in that direction when Allen died. All of that got put on hold because I wanted to be in a better place emotionally for pregnancy, or disappointment....just whatever was to happen for us. So I feel like I kind of stuffed some of my feelings and thoughts away. I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I've done my share of crying and still do....but there are times when I somehow will myself not to think about it, not to revisit it in my mind, and maybe that's what I need to be doing now. Maybe it's not. I dunno....

I think about how much has changed since the accident. Everything has changed. My little family is changed and growing and has exciting things happening. My relationships with my parents are different. They are different. We are all just different.

So...yeah, this post has really taken a turn from where it started....but the truth is: this is our life. Even the good things don't necessarily feel so good when your mind goes to missing him.

I just miss him....