.............Yes, it's been a while.
But guess what?
We've reached the end.
It's really a mixed blessing.
Well, because Mom didn't get all of her chemos in. They just stopped her treatment. She can't have any more.
See why it's mixed?
On the one hand----WooHoo! We're done. We can move on. She doesn't have to go through this any longer! I'll get my mom back. PawPaw will get his wife back, and hey---she's already getting her hair back!
On the other hand---they stopped her treatment.
They STOPPED her treatment.
Why did they stop her treatment?
Well, remember way back when I mentioned this freaky-deaky-ultra-rare genetic marker that made her hypersensitive to the 5-Fu? Well...that's still there. But that's not the stopper this time. She's now having signs of toxicity to what I call the 'booster' drug that goes with the 5-Fu.
They don't want to keep going with treatment because they don't want the cancer treatment to kill her or leave her disabled.
At this point, she may very well be cancer free. We don't know. We won't know unless it comes back. Did the chemo work? Did going through chemo do its job and decrease mom's chances of having a recurrence? God, we hope so. We don't know, and won't know with any degree of certainty, but we hope so.
Will the signs of toxicity to this booster drug go away? We've asked this question. We asked this at the last oncologist appointment when I was with Mom. "It may get worse before it gets better." Um, yeah, it has. But----maybe this is as bad as its going to get. Or is it? What does "worse" look like? What makes all this go away, other than time? We don't know.
There are so many questions. There are so many unknowns. It's frustrating. It's very easy to take it out on the oncologist & direct your anger and frustration at them, but I just remind myself of a few things: (1) My mom has got some freaky-deaky-ass genes...she's stood on the banks of uncharted territory where few have gone before her w/ regard to all of her "complications" on this journey, and (2)they are just doctors. Doctors. They did not design the human body, nor has any human being totally mastered it. Technology & science can only tell us so much. We are learning more about the human body every day. It was designed by God, not man. We are doing our best to understand it.
So, in the end, I am grateful that this is the end of it. Just grateful. I'm frightened by what it may mean for the future, but any recurrence is not certain. What's that phrase about not worrying about tomorrow? Not borrowing trouble? Clearly those cliches didn't stick with me. I'm somewhat of a worrier.
So, I'm trying to focus on the positive. She's done. She doesn't have to do this any more. She's not going to feel sick all the time. She's going to have more energy. She's fabulous, and she's mine, and I'm getting her back.
Labels: the big C