Last Night...

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul."
~Eileen Mayhew

So, last night, I went to my first "Caring Hearts" meeting, for parents who have experienced loss through misscariage, fetal demise, stillbirth, & lost a child shortly after birth.

How was it?

Different.
Difficult.
Gives you a sense of common ground.
Gives you a different perspective.

So...here's where I am with all of this.
I want to name the baby.
Damon originally told me that he didn't think there was a need. Granted, it was late, late, late at night when he said this. And when we revisited the topic, he had no recollection of the first conversation. And now, he doesn't think it's such a bizarre idea.
I don't really talk about it with people. Why? Because even talking about it---sometimes I just want to cry, or I don't want to cry but I begin crying & it's not something I want to share with someone who is asking, "well, how are you doing?" & they are so not-specific but their tone tells you exactly what they are referencing. They want to hear, "we're okay". They don't really want to hear me say that sometimes I'm perfectly fine & I have faith in God's plan for us, and then sometimes I'm angry & sad & just frustrated by how very unfair it is. But maybe it's just that I don't have that picture of the whole plan...I don't have God's point of view where he can see why this happened to me. Sometimes I think, it is a blessing. Dr.B said that the baby most likely had severe chromosomal abnormalities which would have probably caused physical deformities...who would have even known what the mental capacity of that child would have been?
And then, last night, there was another mom who was there at her first meeting as well. Her baby...well, she described it, and basically---what Dr.B said my baby could have been like if it continued to develop---that's what her baby was like. It never would have survived. It never would have even been able to take one breath...and she had to deliver this little boy who would never be able to survive outside of her body, and in reality may not have been able to develop or maintain a full 40 weeks in her body.
So....I just felt like...that's what it could have been for my child.
Sitting there with all of the stories....are their situations worse than mine? Maybe.
Is mine worse than some of theirs??? Maybe. They're all horrible. We've all lost our babies. The hurt & the pain is the same...but the stories are just different.

It is just amazing that in such a short time you can fall in love with something. You have all of this excitement. You have all of these hopes & dreams for someone that you've never even met, but you love. Your body is making plans for them...your heart has already made room for them...and your mind races 900 miles an hour thinking about all that you need to get done to prepare for their arrival...what season will it be when he/she gets here? will it be a boy or a girl? which room will belong to this new baby? you just start. From the moment you get the positive pregnancy test, you just make room. you make plans. You share your excitement with EVERYONE you know because you're so thrilled about this little bitty life that is starting.

And then it's just....not. From the outside looking in, it becomes "something that happened to them one time".
And to me...I think....it happened to ME. It was MY BABY. My itty-bitty-teeny-weeeeenie-super-tiny baby.

So, another thing I'm struggling with...comments from others. Apparently, when I told some coworkers about the pregnancy, we were in the cafeteria at work, and some other hospital employees overheard. Yesterday, we went up to the hospital (Gage & I) to visit my friend Sarah who just had a baby. So, this one nurse said, "didn't I hear that you were pregnant? You'd hardly know it by looking at you!" So, I had to tell her that I'd lost the baby...she was sorry...etc. Of course, I was thinking---how did she even know that I was pregnant in the first place? I didn't tell her. But, she either heard it from a coworker or overheard my announcement in the cafeteria. She doesn't work in my department on on my unit...so I don't really know... Anyway, another person was making comments about Gage being so big, and said, "It seems like you were pregnant just last month!" What she meant was: gosh, he's so big, it seems like it hasn't been that long since you were pregnant with him. What my heart said in response: I was just pregnant last month. The same lady then said as she walked off, "it's getting to be time for you to have another one!" Clearly...she didn't know about the recent pregnancy & loss...

So...I went to my meeting.
I know that some people must think, "you had a first trimester miscarriage. you're lucky." And in sometimes I agree with that. And then, sometimes I think---I don't have pictures of my baby. I didn't get a specific due date. I have an estimated 2 week window where my due date may have been. I don't know when my baby was conceived, or even when my baby died. I have nothing but a box. I have a box with my pregnancy test, flowers, & cards in it. I don't have tiny footprints to look at.
So, it's no easier, it's no worse...it's just different.
We all just have different stories in there. It's just nice to be able to talk to these other parents who can say, "me too."

I have plenty of family & friends who would listen to me if I need to talk. Who would validate my feelings about this---that vary. My feelings are all over the board on this. I have plenty of people who just feel bad for us. But with this group, I got, "me too." People who had the same thing or similar thing happen, and we can talk about this without feeling like we are burdening others when we talk about it, or make other people feel uncomfortable when/if we talk about it...and we ourselves don't have to feel uncomfortable if someone else asks about it.

And that's another thing: people don't know what to say to us about this.
I understand. I totally get the fact that people don't know what to say, are afraid of saying the wrong things, are afraid to bring it up b/c they don't know how, are afraid that NOT acknowledging it or bringing it up will be hurtful, they know that they can't undo it or fix it, and just don't know what to do. I know that. I don't really know what to say about that---but I'm aware of it. It's just a weird situation.

So...what now?
I know that my "products of conception" were sent to a lab for pathology. What are those results? What tests were even done? I don't know. In the midst of everything going on---I never asked about the pathology aspect.
Will they be able to tell me the baby's gender? I don't know.

The Name Game.
I have a name in my head. It's gender neutral. We'll see.
We'll work on that.

So today, that's where I am.