Life Is Just So Daily

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Last Night...

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul."
~Eileen Mayhew


So, last night, I went to my first "Caring Hearts" meeting, for parents who have experienced loss through misscariage, fetal demise, stillbirth, & lost a child shortly after birth.

How was it?

Different.
Difficult.
Gives you a sense of common ground.
Gives you a different perspective.

So...here's where I am with all of this.
I want to name the baby.
Damon originally told me that he didn't think there was a need. Granted, it was late, late, late at night when he said this. And when we revisited the topic, he had no recollection of the first conversation. And now, he doesn't think it's such a bizarre idea.
I don't really talk about it with people. Why? Because even talking about it---sometimes I just want to cry, or I don't want to cry but I begin crying & it's not something I want to share with someone who is asking, "well, how are you doing?" & they are so not-specific but their tone tells you exactly what they are referencing. They want to hear, "we're okay". They don't really want to hear me say that sometimes I'm perfectly fine & I have faith in God's plan for us, and then sometimes I'm angry & sad & just frustrated by how very unfair it is. But maybe it's just that I don't have that picture of the whole plan...I don't have God's point of view where he can see why this happened to me. Sometimes I think, it is a blessing. Dr.B said that the baby most likely had severe chromosomal abnormalities which would have probably caused physical deformities...who would have even known what the mental capacity of that child would have been?
And then, last night, there was another mom who was there at her first meeting as well. Her baby...well, she described it, and basically---what Dr.B said my baby could have been like if it continued to develop---that's what her baby was like. It never would have survived. It never would have even been able to take one breath...and she had to deliver this little boy who would never be able to survive outside of her body, and in reality may not have been able to develop or maintain a full 40 weeks in her body.
So....I just felt like...that's what it could have been for my child.
Sitting there with all of the stories....are their situations worse than mine? Maybe.
Is mine worse than some of theirs??? Maybe. They're all horrible. We've all lost our babies. The hurt & the pain is the same...but the stories are just different.

It is just amazing that in such a short time you can fall in love with something. You have all of this excitement. You have all of these hopes & dreams for someone that you've never even met, but you love. Your body is making plans for them...your heart has already made room for them...and your mind races 900 miles an hour thinking about all that you need to get done to prepare for their arrival...what season will it be when he/she gets here? will it be a boy or a girl? which room will belong to this new baby? you just start. From the moment you get the positive pregnancy test, you just make room. you make plans. You share your excitement with EVERYONE you know because you're so thrilled about this little bitty life that is starting.

And then it's just....not. From the outside looking in, it becomes "something that happened to them one time".
And to me...I think....it happened to ME. It was MY BABY. My itty-bitty-teeny-weeeeenie-super-tiny baby.

So, another thing I'm struggling with...comments from others. Apparently, when I told some coworkers about the pregnancy, we were in the cafeteria at work, and some other hospital employees overheard. Yesterday, we went up to the hospital (Gage & I) to visit my friend Sarah who just had a baby. So, this one nurse said, "didn't I hear that you were pregnant? You'd hardly know it by looking at you!" So, I had to tell her that I'd lost the baby...she was sorry...etc. Of course, I was thinking---how did she even know that I was pregnant in the first place? I didn't tell her. But, she either heard it from a coworker or overheard my announcement in the cafeteria. She doesn't work in my department on on my unit...so I don't really know... Anyway, another person was making comments about Gage being so big, and said, "It seems like you were pregnant just last month!" What she meant was: gosh, he's so big, it seems like it hasn't been that long since you were pregnant with him. What my heart said in response: I was just pregnant last month. The same lady then said as she walked off, "it's getting to be time for you to have another one!" Clearly...she didn't know about the recent pregnancy & loss...

So...I went to my meeting.
I know that some people must think, "you had a first trimester miscarriage. you're lucky." And in sometimes I agree with that. And then, sometimes I think---I don't have pictures of my baby. I didn't get a specific due date. I have an estimated 2 week window where my due date may have been. I don't know when my baby was conceived, or even when my baby died. I have nothing but a box. I have a box with my pregnancy test, flowers, & cards in it. I don't have tiny footprints to look at.
So, it's no easier, it's no worse...it's just different.
We all just have different stories in there. It's just nice to be able to talk to these other parents who can say, "me too."

I have plenty of family & friends who would listen to me if I need to talk. Who would validate my feelings about this---that vary. My feelings are all over the board on this. I have plenty of people who just feel bad for us. But with this group, I got, "me too." People who had the same thing or similar thing happen, and we can talk about this without feeling like we are burdening others when we talk about it, or make other people feel uncomfortable when/if we talk about it...and we ourselves don't have to feel uncomfortable if someone else asks about it.

And that's another thing: people don't know what to say to us about this.
I understand. I totally get the fact that people don't know what to say, are afraid of saying the wrong things, are afraid to bring it up b/c they don't know how, are afraid that NOT acknowledging it or bringing it up will be hurtful, they know that they can't undo it or fix it, and just don't know what to do. I know that. I don't really know what to say about that---but I'm aware of it. It's just a weird situation.

So...what now?
I know that my "products of conception" were sent to a lab for pathology. What are those results? What tests were even done? I don't know. In the midst of everything going on---I never asked about the pathology aspect.
Will they be able to tell me the baby's gender? I don't know.

The Name Game.
I have a name in my head. It's gender neutral. We'll see.
We'll work on that.

So today, that's where I am.

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16 Comments:

At 11:28 AM , Blogger Bonnie said...

You're doing great...just keep supporting yourself in whatever way you need to. My miscarriages still hit me sometimes when I remember how betrayed I felt by my body. Sounds silly but that's how I felt.

I remember when I had my first MS, I went to a wedding 2 months later and was sitting at a table full of people and a woman who had not heard that I miscarried said loudly, "You are so tiny- you can't tell you're pregnant at all" I had to tell her, in front of the whole table, that I had miscarried. I was mortified, she was embarrassed... Then when I was pregnant with Alex, since I had had 2 miscarriages, I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I had the ultrasound at 16 weeks. And one of my good friends was SO MAD at me for keeping it a secret. I tried to explain how it had felt to have to tell people I had lost the babies in the two previous miscarriages, but she just didn't get it since she had never gone through it.

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

 
At 11:29 AM , Blogger Catizhere said...

That was a beautiful post.

I too, lost a baby between Maggie & Will. July 31, 2005.
I still want that baby. I still miss that baby.
You can't help but to want your babies, to hold them, to smell their sweet little heads while they sleep in your arms.

I think a name is a good idea.

Hugs to you.

 
At 12:14 PM , Anonymous Tara said...

I understand why you would want to give the baby a name, it makes perfect sense to me. It holds a place in your heart so a name seems fitting.

 
At 1:25 PM , Blogger Patty said...

You are amazing to be able to express yourself this way. You have to do everything necessary for you to deal with this situation. I'm glad you went to the group it's going to be the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. A loss of a loved one is a loss no matter if they a tiny tiny babies, or older adults.

It's human nature to love who you love and if they aren't here it is 100% natural to grieve for them. Bonds between a mother and child are so special. You had a small amount of time with your baby but you were blessed to have that. I once heard God only gives us what we could survive.

I'm sorry if I'm saying the wrong things but all I want to convey is support and comfort from a non-mom yet who think you are amazing.

 
At 1:35 PM , Blogger Terroni said...

I used to take care of women who lost their babies (worked as an aide at a hospital in college). Lots of them named their babies, so...no, it's not a bizarre idea at all.

And, I am so sorry about your loss...hugs from a stranger.

 
At 1:37 PM , Blogger MamaLee said...

Oh hun. I'm here for you. Even if I have too many appointments to make (LOL).

I remember my 2 miscarriages as clear as day. I understand exactly how you feel. I think you need to do what is right for your heart. Everyone deals with this a bit differently, so there isn't a "Wrong" here.

They'll always be awkward moments, sad flashbacks and that little hole in your heart. But in time, it WILL get better.

Find out about the baby - knowledge is power. I think I told you, but I found out that I have a genetic disorder. And I did go on to have 3 healthy babies - it was stressful and full of waiting, and full of tests. And full of goodness. If you can find out about the baby, perhaps you can come to some peace with it.

And I can say that going to that mother's group is the BEST thing that you can do. Because those who have not lost a baby will never really know what it is like.

You are not alone. And again, let me know if you want to talk. Sometimes just chatting about silly stuff, surrounded by the emotional stuff, is good for the soul. And the healing.

So come over for some cookies, will ya?

XOXO

 
At 2:00 PM , Blogger Jenster said...

I can't understand your particular heartache because I've never experienced it, but I can imagine. And just the imagining hurts.

I DO understand how we put degrees on which story is worse, which story is better, etc. I think it's the same thing with any personal trauma. But when it comes down to it, whatever it is YOU'VE experienced is the worst. For you. A more tragic story doesn't make your pain any less. It doesn't make your situation seem any less fair.

You're right to feel all over the board. I imagine you will for a while. And I can certainly understand wanting to name the baby. I'm pretty sure I would want to do the same thing.

I'm glad you've found support to help you through this.

You and yours are in my prayers.

 
At 2:01 PM , Anonymous anonymouse said...

Me too.
Good post...lots of the same thoughts I've had lately, but have been hesitant to put them into words.
Thanks for this.

 
At 2:35 PM , Blogger Stepherz said...

Hi, I'm visiting from Gina's blog. I liked your caption for Liam's picture and thought I'd come say hello.

I kind of feel like I'm out of my element here because we don't know one another. But I wanted to just tell you that I know where your heart is right now. I know that loss well. I think you are doing the right things to help you heal. I lost 5 pregnancies before I was blessed with my 2 babies. All five were at various stages of my 1st trimester. It was such a traumatic time. My heart was so heavy, for so long. Time, prayer, and faith all helped me along. And then we were blessed with 2 beauties back to back.

I'm saying a little prayer for you. Keep your chin up!

 
At 3:36 PM , Blogger shoeaddict said...

I called the baby Bug when I found out that s/he was there. I hated the fact that most people "poo-pooed" the whole thing. I miscarried after 9 weeks so to some- Bug wasn't important.

Bug is important to me.

 
At 8:28 PM , Blogger ~love said...

so glad for your comment on my blog. i had you saved in my favorites and lost you when our computer crashed.
so, i've just learned about your loss. my heart aches for you. i'm so glad that you're reaching out and doing what you need to to greive.
i think naming the baby is a beautiful thing.
saving you to my favorites again...

 
At 6:42 AM , Blogger Beth said...

What a beautifully written post.
You are healing in your own way and in your own time.
And I love the quotation you used.

 
At 8:20 AM , Blogger zirelda said...

And I don't know what to say either except (((((((you))))))).

 
At 9:21 AM , Blogger Pregnantly Plump said...

I think naming the baby is a great idea. I am so sorry for your loss.

 
At 4:32 PM , Blogger Kate said...

Losing a child is always painful. I think that your desire to name him or her is a beautiful way of saying how much you already loved him or her. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 
At 8:07 AM , Blogger Da Mommy said...

I think your post is honest and real. And it may help some other poor soul who is experiencing this as well. Maybe they read your post and said "me too".
My son had a twin that was lost early in the pregnancy...still 15 years later I think of that baby when I notice my son seems to "need someone" to communicate with...I think maybe he misses him too.
As for the pathology thing, definitely pursue that...my friend went through similar and turned out that they each have a recessive genetic disorder that leads to babies like the one Dr. B had. They had a perfectly fine 2 year old and then lost one baby girl and now they have an adorable little 2 year old boy. But they know that each one has a 25% chance of having this...BUT they ahve a 75% chance that it WON'T happen!!! I agree with what someone else said...knowledge is power!
Keep on keeping on...are you going to share the name with us or keep as your own special secret???? Hang in there dear one...

 

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